One-Liner Jokes

Tauriel

Government cuts have hit the Nativity concert....

.... This year, Mary's going to be riding on a Lidl donkey.

hiscan

“Well, Mick,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.”
“Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Mick. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

exador

"My wife is an angel" "you're lucky, mine is still alive"

My wife says "Did you ever have sex behind my back?" ..I said " well who did you think it was ?"

"Got the wife one of those fish pedicurs and have to say I was delighted with the result. Those Pirahna don't **** around"

boomkatalog

Fund-raiser tonight in aid of people who find it difficult to orgasm during sex.



Don't worry if you can't cum.

Trampas

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

MonkieSocks

Looks like this Christmas is gonna be the same as last year.







Sitting opposite a Fat Bird who doesn’t Gobble anymore :pac:

patmac

boomkatalog wrote: »

Fund-raiser tonight in aid of people who find it difficult to orgasm during sex.



Don't worry if you can't cum.

I went to a premature ejaculation class the other day, was sitting on my own for ages must have come too soon.

hiscan

Slept like a log last night..........woke up in the fireplace.

JustPaddy1

patmac wrote: »

boomkatalog wrote: »

Fund-raiser tonight in aid of people who find it difficult to orgasm during sex.



Don't worry if you can't cum.

I went to a premature ejaculation class the other day, was sitting on my own for ages must have come too soon.

These premature ejaculation jokes just keep coming.

BioHazRd

Some friendly advice people.
Please read the charter before posting here
From the charter:

The following are considered "no go" areas for your postings here to the Humour Board...
Pornography
Dead Baby Jokes
Racist Jokes
Links to Mature Content or Rotten websites
Jokes making fun of issues regarding Paedophiles, Child abuse (suspected or proven)
Jokes about other users of this site (I don't care if they posted something so stupid it's funny...there are other forums for that type of thing)
etc....

I have had to tidy up a couple of posts already so take this post as notification that anyone who posts anything here that breaches the charter will get anything from a warning to a ban depending on the severity of the breach.

This is not a restricted forum and is accessible to children, please bear this in mind.

D_murph

Enda Kenny on Sunday night wrote:

You are not responsible for this

:rolleyes:

EdgarAllenPoo

Every time I hear that someone was attacked by a shark I think "why didn't they hear the music?"

chucknorris

(Q) Why does Santa have such a big sack?

(A) Because he only cums once a year.










Note to people with no humour. This is the humour thread, please vacate this thread immedaitly. It is not for you.

EdgarAllenPoo

My doctor has told me not to do any heavy lifting..... so now I sit down to piss.

Bearhunter

I split up with my cross-eyed girlfriend yesterday. She was seeing someone else anyway....

EdgarAllenPoo

He's making a list and checking it twice.....because he has ocd.

Capt'n Midnight

EdgarAllenPoo wrote: »

He's making a list and checking it twice.....because he has ocd.

http://xkcd.com/838/

EdgarAllenPoo

I spent an hour at the zoo yesterday watching a monkey masturbating furiously. Silly bastards wil copy anything.

EdgarAllenPoo

I've nicknamed my penis "elbow", it's flexible, it's hard and my wife doesn't like when I put it on the kitchen table.

marcsignal

Did you hear about the Dublin bodyguard ?

"Liam Malone"

:pac:

EdgarAllenPoo

What have Brussel sprouts and pubic hair got in common? You just push them to the side and keep on eating.

MonkieSocks

My wife gave me £50 and told me to go out and get something that would make her look nice.






Imagine the look on her face when I Came back pissed

BaZmO*

Chris Rea just drove past me... wonder where he's going?

Capt'n Midnight

BaZmO* wrote: »

Chris Rea just drove past me... wonder where he's going?

He's on the road to hell.

1chippy

What did the horse say to the one legged jockey?
How are you gettin on

EdgarAllenPoo

If a group of necrophiliacs met a group of zombies who would do the chasing?

Trampas

just out of hospital and the surgeons gave me a pacemaker

now everywhere i go ive got this fooking kenyan 2 yards in front of me

marcsignal

I heard Kim Jong Ils funeral buffet was the Dogs Bollocks

:pac:

EdgarAllenPoo

Idea for a jingle for a laxative ad at Christmas time: "Here comes Senokot, here comes Senokot, right down Senokot Lane..."

MonkieSocks

I was telling my mate how i got involved in a knife fight with a gay dude and won.

He said, " why?"

I said, " because he was a sh1t stabber."