One-Liner Jokes

Xenophile

EdgarAllenPoo wrote: »

I am thinking of opening a new religious gym in town called.....Jehovahs fitness.

Jehovahs fitness to practice .............it really doesn't matter the end is near.

Dannyboi3k

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg?...............................................



Dr. Dre

MassDeb8r

Whats red and screams ? Stevie Wonder answering the iron

Attie

What do ye call an Irish bomb disposal expert.
















Stan Wellback.

EdgarAllenPoo

My wife asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.

green day rule

They Say There's Safety In Numbers
Tell That To 6 Million Jews

MonkieSocks

Costa Cruise's have assured the Maritime Authorities that their next Captain is guaranteed not to hit anything.




Captain Fernando Torres Starts work next Monday.

EdgarAllenPoo

My Gay Dyslexic friend can't wait for the 14th of February,He think's it's Vaseline day.

Plazaman

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

Laneyh

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!

Run_to_da_hills

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!", I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

hiscan

MEN. Make it a Valentine's Day she'll always remember by simply forgetting it.

Bootup

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?



Q: At what time of day was Adam created?

A: A little before Eve



Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike for many men?

A. They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.



Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A. No one to talk to during orgasm.



Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church?

She caught him by the organ!



I always avoid the cemetery because I never want to be caught dead there



A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate



The mime wanted to expand his business and was looking for a silent partner



The swollen blood vessels in her legs were very quarrelsome - she had bellicose veins

Attie

Whar did Eve say to Adam the first time
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
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?
?
Now thats a hard one.

Bootup

Secretary - A stenographer who watches her periods.



Cunnilingus is called eating while fellatio is a blow job because the terms were invented by a woman to make the one sound enjoyable and the other like work.



The best thing to do when your girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills is to give her a good tongue-lashing.



Confucius says man with diarrhea in Las Vegas likes craps.


Mine Shaft: What a German calls his dick.

Run_to_da_hills

I don't like lollipop ladies because they make me cross

pavb2

Went to the barbers today, he said my God you need your hair cutting badly.

I said no I don't, I want it cut properly



They found our local ice cream man stone dead in his van, body covered in hundreds and thousands.

Police reckon he topped himself.

(Tommy Cooper)

Bootup

My God!" complained the wife to her husband, "I come home with a little cum in my hair and right away you jump to conclusions!








Did you see the movie about a woman who uses a wooden vibrator? It is called, "Love Is A Many Splintered Thing."








If you change your mind after a sex-change, are you dismissed?



How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb? No idea, but it takes a hell of a lot to notice a gas leak.



I went to the doctor today complaining that one of my testicles was noticeably lower than the other.I have cerebal ballsy.




The interview was going well till she asked me to show her my Testimonials. I misunderstood

Bootup

Q: How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A: Stick two fingers in his honey.


Q: Why wasn't Christ born in France?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.


Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars



Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat, and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.



Q. What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
A. Gladiator.



Q. What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A. Pump kin.



Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A. A scrotum pole!



Q. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A. It's called "Abzorba the Leak."

byrner88

Doing some DIY yesterday and handed my mate some sandpaper , he taught it was a map of the Desert!

Bootup

My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.


Pick up Lines: Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?


The difference between a man and a condom is condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.


Women don't like basketball players as lovers because they always dribble before they shoot.



Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed," many men still sleep with their wives!

MonkieSocks

My girlfriend calls me and says, "Three of the girls in the office have received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then!!!

Bootup

Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll?
A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin.


Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.


Q. Did you hear about the lesbian who took viagra?
A. She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a week.


Q. How are men and a light bulb alike?
A. You have to screw both of them to get a response


I'm planning on serving the left-over corned beef for supper, tonight. My wife would rather have potatoes and onions. I guess we'll just have to hash things out.



A lot of farmers have been starting online blogs and writing about their wheat. They’re cropping up everywhere.

Bootup

Q. Have you heard about the new ‘super sensitive’ condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.



Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.




Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.



What's more profitable, a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse? A one-story whorehouse, because there's no f**kin' overhead.




When I got home late for supper last night, I told my wife that I had a pretty nasty fall and twisted my ankle. She thought that was a lame excuse.



Big concerns during the GPS navigator company's annual stockholders' meeting, this weekend. Many are just not sure the company is heading in the right direction




I attended the wedding of two friends of mine who are nuclear technicians. After the ceremony, she looked absolutely radiant, and he was positively glowing!

Sunnyisland

2 auld ones in Moore street , dublin.
Mary picks up a carrot. "Ah Janey Mags this reminds me of my poor Jonny "
Mags says "wha da size of it?"
Mary says "No da durt of it"
:-)

Bootup

What do blowjobs and flowers have in common? After the first year they are only given on special occasions.


Q: Where do they post pictures of missing partial transsexuals?
A: On cartons of half-and-half.


Q: What is a birth control pill?
A: The OTHER thing a coed can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant.



Cunnilingus is called eating while fellatio is a blow job because the terms were invented by a woman to make the one sound enjoyable and the other like work.



The best thing to do when your girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills is to give her a good tongue-lashing.




Confucius says man with diarrhea in Las Vegas likes craps.

marcsignal

Got the wife a new belt and a new bag for Valentines Day.
The Hoover is working much better now !!!

Bootup

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."




A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"



A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?"
The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."


A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."


An amnesiac walks intoa bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often"?



A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

AnamGlas

What's brown and rhymes with "Snoop"?

Dr. Dre

Bootup

The world’s smallest funeral home is a woman’s pussy; you can only get one stiff in at a time.


Life is like a dick - simple, straight, relaxed and hanging free.....It's the women who make it hard!


Q: At what time of day was Adam created?
A: A little before Eve


Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.




Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike for many men?
A. They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.




Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.




Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.



Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church? She caught him by the organ!


I always avoid the cemetery because I never want to be caught dead there