One-Liner Jokes

shawnee

Seosaimh77 wrote: »

Good jokes requires good timing*. New timing belt has improved car's ability to tell jokes, but not the engine.



*It also helps if they are funny too

Ah Ta for that one :D

MonkieSocks

I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day and I was very pleased with the result.



Those Piranhas dont fook about!.

rusty_racer94

I'm glad to hear that Michael Jackson died happy.
The last person to see him alive said that he was blowing Bubbles.

rusty_racer94

How many Tribesmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six: one to screw it in and five to dance for no f*cking reason.

Capt'n Midnight

shawnee wrote: »

Am I missing something here ?

What's the secret of a good Timing !

daaave

a fight broke out in my utility room today-
it all started when the washing machine took the piss out of the knickers.

daaave

what do you call a recently waxed police-women?

c#nt-stubble

chucknorris

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries

patmac

Speaking of the cost of living I hear Paul McCartney is pisssed of because is new missus is buying twice as many shoes as his last one.

daaave

patmac wrote: »

Speaking of the cost of living I hear Paul McCartney is pisssed of because is new missus is buying twice as many shoes as his last one.

at least this one seems to have a bit of a personality- the last wife was a bit wooden

Cork boy 55

The Estonian football team

MonkieSocks

I just made a new website for women drivers...





But it keeps crashing.

MonkieSocks

mushroom_mario wrote: »

My mate married a chinese millionare today...... Cha Ching

My Japaneese girlfriend just dumped me


Ah well..........there's plenty more in the sea

bacon?

Why did Dracula go to the chemist?














Coffin.

rusty_racer94

There is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

scotty_irish

from girlfriend's welsh dad in my email today:

an englishman, an irishman, a scotsman and a welshman are in pub.

sorry. an englishman, an irishman, a scotsman are in a pub, the welshman is still in new zealand.

bastard.

TT09

What happened the one legged jockey?





He fell off the other side

ifitburwilll

how do you get 4 elephants in a mini minor
2 in front and 2 in the back


how do you know if there is 4 elephants in a house
youd see the mini parked outside

BaZmO*

Possessio - nine..tenths of the word


Just blocked the toilet. In fact, I think I might report it for spam as well.


I've just started my new job at a tyre factory where I hope to have many good years ahead of me.


The trouble with fat people is they want everything given to them on a plate.


I've a friend who always introduces himself as 'Stephen with a ph', as he's slightly acidic.


Just had a giant cockroach knock the door asking for donations, it must be that bug that's going round.


Why are all keyboard players called Roland?

MonkieSocks

Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm, were required to open fire three times.










They won a goldfish, a teddy bear and an inflatable hammer!!

Richard Cranium

A photon walks into an airport. The clerk asks him if he has any bags, so he says "No, I'm travelling light"

EdgarAllenPoo

I don't see what the big fuss is over Movember, maybe I'm just bitter that my idea of Rapril never caught on.

rusty_racer94

So gentlemen. We'll celebrate Movember with our moustaches, Manuary by doing manly things 24/7. And soon it will be time for Rapril.

ifitburwilll

It could be dodgy voting for mikey D The country cannot afford a state funeral

Guinness has had more hits than Dana

Mitchell approached a voter and said " Hi I'm gay " .To which the voter replied "Well you've got my number Mr Norris.

line6

the barman said 'we don't serve neutrinos' - a neutrino walked into a bar

jackiebaron

A friend of mine in the army ate all the pudding rations.



He was shot for DESSERTING!!!!

D_murph

David Norris has said that if he gets voted in as president, he will not take his lover up the Aras .

MonkieSocks

Scared the fook outta the postman today by going to the door completely naked.







I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Trampas

Walked past the farm today and the farmer said, 'I've got 68 sheep, can you help me round them up?' I said, 'Aye, you've got 70.'

shawnee

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Scared the fook outta the postman today by going to the door completely naked.







I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Brill !