The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary skill. "This is a very smart dog" the man commented". Not so smart" said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail".

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying "God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa".

The father asked "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do". The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this "God bless mummy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma". The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father "this kid is in contact with the other side".

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mummy and good-bye daddy".

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it. I've just had the worst day of my life". She said "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Took the wife dogging last night.....NEVER EVER AGAIN....by the time she finished parking the car everyone else had effed off!!!!

A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"
So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.

"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy."

shawn says to paddy and mick, my wife is sleeping with another man, paddy says "has he got ginger pubes?"........."mick says i most certainly do not"

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Contrary to romour there is no truth that the Catolic churches new anthem is "Concerto in Organ in A Minor".

Was that originally a Klingon joke translated to English by Google Translate?!

Sorry folks but I had a phone call early this morning that my best mate Gav died during the night so I'll be away from here for a few days,I can't believe big Gav is gone.
R.I.P. BIG GAV.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. T hey will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Bipolar Joe wrote: »

Don't get it.

Gaviscon.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Sorry folks but I had a phone call early this morning that my best mate Gav died during the night so I'll be away from here for a few days,I can't believe big Gav is gone.
R.I.P. BIG GAV.

Sorry Hagar but i actually thought you were being genuine here :pac:

I thanked the bloody thing to show support!!!:eek::pac: