The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

wexie wrote: »

Did he quack any bones?

He did, every bone in his little body.
























He live to tell the tail.

:P

Capt'n Midnight

I was involved in an one-night stand that went horribly wrong.
We've been married for 3 years now.

Kettleson

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I was involved in an one-night stand that went horribly wrong.
We've been married for 3 years now.

Is this a joke or an admission?

wexie

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I was involved in an one-night stand that went horribly wrong.
We've been married for 3 years now.

I was actually supposed to be a one nightstand for my wife of nearly 8 years.

true story that. You're not getting the details though

forumlover

not sure if this has been posted before...................

I was in Tesco the other day when I noticed a woman at the tills.
In her basket she had an apple, a banana, a ready meal, a tin of soup & a toothbrush.
I tapped her on the shoulder & she looked at me, so I said 'you're single, aren't you?'
She looked at her basket, then looked at me & asked 'how can you tell?'
So I said...................

Cause you're ugly as fcuk !!!

Hagar the Nice.

Apologies but whenever I click on the spoiler it won't show the answer.
Why not just tell the joke in its entirety?

Mr Tibbs

This bloke decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard after a night in the pub. Suddenly a ghost appeared frightening the sh*t out of him. The poor fellow couldn't run away as he had a terrible hump on his back so he just froze in terror when the ghost said to him. Whats that on your back. A hump he says. Give it to me says the ghost and with that he dissapears.
Well your man straightened up delighted for the first time in his life he felt brilliant and skipped home. When he got home the wife was in shock when he came in and asked what had happened to him. He told her the full story saying it must have been a ghost from heaven. So she said to him bring me to this graveyard he might cure my limp. So the two of them set of to the graveyard and he leave's her to go alone into the cemetery. She is walking through when suddenly the ghost appears frightening the living daylights out of her and he says to her. Whats that on your back. Nottin she says and the ghost says. Here's a hump.

rolliepoley

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Apologies but whenever I click on the spoiler it won't show the answer.
Why not just tell the joke in its entirety?

You have to click on the spoiler and drag to highlight it.

artanevilla

rolliepoley wrote: »

He did, every bone in his little body.




He live to tell the tail.

:P

You should have seen his face when they sent him the bill....

Hitchens

artanevilla wrote: »

You should have seen his face when they sent him the bill....

ah I dunno if he was down..........hardly took a feather out of him! :pac:

forumlover

whats the difference between an egg and a w@nk?

you can beat an egg

Hagar the Nice.

rolliepoley wrote: »

You have to click on the spoiler and drag to highlight it.

Done that Rollie,still didn't work either on tablet or iPod.

Hagar the Nice.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Done that Rollie,still didn't work either on tablet or iPod.

Try Ctrt-A (select all) or the tablet /Ipod equivalent.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.


After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.



When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone!

the purple tin

John lost his favourite hat and rather than buy a new one he goes to mass so he can steal one from the vestibule, before he can grab one an usher sees him and guides him to a pew.
He has to sit through the whole mass which is about the ten commandmants, afterwards he goes to the priest shakes his hand and says 'I'd like to thank you Father, I came here to steal a hat but after hearing your sermon about the ten commandmants I've changed my mind'.
'Oh' says the priest 'so the thou shalt not steal commandmant got through to you then?'
'No, Father, it was the one about adultery...It made me remember where I left my hat'

Hitchens

Biddy was a 90 year-old woman who was very despondent over the recent death of her husband Pakey.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

She took down Pakey's old pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Biddy was admitted to A & E with a gunshot wound to her knee.

the purple tin

A cockney gets back from his holidays in China and heads to his local for a pint on the way home. 'so what's China like then?' the barman asks him.
'yeah it's alright' he says' but it's full of bleedin Irish farmers'
'Really?' says the barman. 'Yeah' he replies 'every fackin field belongs to a Paddy'.

Capt'n Midnight

The new Doctor Who is Glaswegian.

The first episode will see him in his hometown, fighting hordes of Cidermen.








Everybody in the world is talking about Peter Capaldi this evening.

Manchester City are reported to have made an opening bid of around 75 Million pounds

Mr Tibbs

This bloke is cycling down a road when he nearly falls off his bike as he sees a beautiful girl completely naked thumbing a lift. So he stops to offer her a lift saying hop up on the bar of my bike.
After a few minutes she says to him have you noticed anything and he says whats that love. Well for one I'm completley naked. Oh I have alright haven't you noticed this is a ladies bike.

Some12

A guy walks into a bar in Texas and sees a horse in the corner with a bucket full of money in front of it. He walks up to the bar, orders a beer, and asks about the horse.

The barman gives him a beer and tells him: “It’s a competition. You put 5 dollars in the bucket and have 30 seconds to make the horse laugh. The first to do it wins the bucket of cash”.

The guy downs his beer, walks up to the horse and whispers something into its ear. The horse bursts out laughing so he picks up the bucket of cash and walks out leaving a shocked crowd behind.

A few weeks later, he’s in Texas again and goes back to the same bar where he sees the same horse in the corner with another bucket full of cash in front of it.

The guy orders a beer and tells the barman he’ll have the horse laughing again. The barman tells him: “Son, we don’t know what you did to make that horse laugh last time so we made it harder. Now you have to make the horse cry”.

The guy downs his beer, says no problem, and walks up to the horse. Within seconds, the horse is crying like a baby. He picks up the bucket of money and heads to the door.

The barman stops him and says “Hold on now – You made the horse both laugh and cry. How the hell did you do that?”

The guy says “Well, the first time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him.”

Some12

A guy walks into a bar in Texas and sees a horse in the corner with a bucket full of money in front of it. He walks up to the bar, orders a beer, and asks about the horse.

The barman gives him a beer and tells him: “It’s a competition. You put 5 dollars in the bucket and have 30 seconds to make the horse laugh. The first to do it wins the bucket of cash”.

The guy downs his beer, walks up to the horse and whispers something into its ear. The horse bursts out laughing so he picks up the bucket of cash and walks out leaving a shocked crowd behind.

A few weeks later, he’s in Texas again and goes back to the same bar where he sees the same horse in the corner with another bucket full of cash in front of it.

The guy orders a beer and tells the barman he’ll have the horse laughing again. The barman tells him: “Son, we don’t know what you did to make that horse laugh last time so we made it harder. Now you have to make the horse cry”.

The guy downs his beer, says no problem, and walks up to the horse. Within seconds, the horse is crying like a baby. He picks up the bucket of money and heads to the door.

The barman stops him and says “Hold on now – You made the horse both laugh and cry. How the hell did you do that?”

The guy says “Well, the first time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him.”

donegal_man

Twice as long as anyone expected apparently

Hagar the Nice.

A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?"

The cat replies, "we dont want humans to steal our style like they did yours?

Hagar the Nice.

I took two stuffed dogs I had to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?"

"Sticks ya daft clown." I replied.

mbur

Deleted User wrote: »

Try Ctrt-A (select all) or the tablet /Ipod equivalent.

I knew there had to be an easier way. I've been hitting the 'quote' button, reading the spoiler and then hitting 'Back'.:pac:

Hagar the Nice.

My wife left a note on the telly for me. ' It's not working , I'm leaving.....'
I plugged it in, turned it on effs sake nothing wrong with it. !!!!!!

Hagar the Nice.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll drive his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".

Hagar the Nice.

This joke is so awful I had to post it,has anyone seen anything as bad as this?


A woman had ten sons......five firemen and five ambulance men.

At breakfast she asked them, "Who wants cornflakes?"

And they answered...

"Me Ma, Me Ma, Me Ma..."

Hagar the Nice.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he
said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke..'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little *hit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
****, We're screwed!'

Little Hodaiki said quietly, ‘Ally McCoist, August 2013.'

the purple tin

It's a bit dirty

Larry Gogan is walking down the street one morning when this stunningly attractive young lady runs over to him and starts telling him what a huge fan she is.
Larry thanks her and starts to flirt with her, really turning on the old Gogan charm.
'You know' she says 'I'd do anything to get a request on your show'
'Anything?' says Larry, gently guiding her into a nearby alley.
'Absolutely anything' she replies.
Larry drops his trousers to reveal that he has really risen to the occasion and says 'Ok, Love, away you go'.
She gets down on her knees in front of Larry, reaches forward and takes a hold of his manhood then starts slowly moving her mouth closer and closer -by now Old Larry is fit to burst with the excitement- finally she opens her mouth, clears her throat and says loudly...I'd like to say hello to my Ma-Joanne, to my sisters Lisa and Amy...