The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!"

rolliepoley

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a $20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

FanadMan

rolliepoley wrote: »

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a $20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

It's amazing how all these bad things happen to Irish people in America

Hagar the Nice.

rolliepoley wrote: »

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a $20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Oi tink taht poor bloke comes from Cork.

Kettleson

2 for the musos.

Q) Whats the definition of a gentleman?

A) Someone who can play the piano accordion but doesn't.

Q) What is the definition of good luck?

A) When you throw a piano accordion on a skip and it lands on a banjo.

Menas

Two ducks flying over Belfast.
One says "Quack".
The other says "I am going as quack as I can."

wexandproud

six weeks after her son, neil , had gone to london mrs dunne had not heard a single word from him and was concerned. while out walking one day she met her friend mary and expressed her concern, dont worry says mary sure im going to londot next week i will keep an eye open ,great says mrs dunne you will find him in wc1
walking down waterloo underground platform mary spots a door with wc1 on it, delighted after finding neils house she runs over ,bangs loudly on door and shouts "are you neily done",i am says a voice but theres no paper,well says mary .. thats no excuse for not writing home to your mother

Peregrine

Trigger Happy wrote: »

Two ducks flying over Belfast.
One says "Quack".
The other says "I am going as quack as I can."

While we're on the topic of ducks..


Why did the duck go to prison?

..for selling quack










I'll get me coat..

rolliepoley

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

While we're on the topic of ducks..


Why did the duck go to prison?

..for selling quack












I'll get me coat..

Then escaped, and as he was crossing the street
he got a quack of a lorry.















I'll get me coat also..

wexie

rolliepoley wrote: »

Then escaped, and as he was crossing the street
he got a quack of a lorry.

I'll get me coat also..

Did he quack any bones?

rolliepoley

wexie wrote: »

Did he quack any bones?

He did, every bone in his little body.
























He live to tell the tail.

:P

Capt'n Midnight

I was involved in an one-night stand that went horribly wrong.
We've been married for 3 years now.

Kettleson

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I was involved in an one-night stand that went horribly wrong.
We've been married for 3 years now.

Is this a joke or an admission?

wexie

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I was involved in an one-night stand that went horribly wrong.
We've been married for 3 years now.

I was actually supposed to be a one nightstand for my wife of nearly 8 years.

true story that. You're not getting the details though

forumlover

not sure if this has been posted before...................

I was in Tesco the other day when I noticed a woman at the tills.
In her basket she had an apple, a banana, a ready meal, a tin of soup & a toothbrush.
I tapped her on the shoulder & she looked at me, so I said 'you're single, aren't you?'
She looked at her basket, then looked at me & asked 'how can you tell?'
So I said...................

Cause you're ugly as fcuk !!!

Hagar the Nice.

Apologies but whenever I click on the spoiler it won't show the answer.
Why not just tell the joke in its entirety?

Mr Tibbs

This bloke decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard after a night in the pub. Suddenly a ghost appeared frightening the sh*t out of him. The poor fellow couldn't run away as he had a terrible hump on his back so he just froze in terror when the ghost said to him. Whats that on your back. A hump he says. Give it to me says the ghost and with that he dissapears.
Well your man straightened up delighted for the first time in his life he felt brilliant and skipped home. When he got home the wife was in shock when he came in and asked what had happened to him. He told her the full story saying it must have been a ghost from heaven. So she said to him bring me to this graveyard he might cure my limp. So the two of them set of to the graveyard and he leave's her to go alone into the cemetery. She is walking through when suddenly the ghost appears frightening the living daylights out of her and he says to her. Whats that on your back. Nottin she says and the ghost says. Here's a hump.

rolliepoley

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Apologies but whenever I click on the spoiler it won't show the answer.
Why not just tell the joke in its entirety?

You have to click on the spoiler and drag to highlight it.

artanevilla

rolliepoley wrote: »

He did, every bone in his little body.




He live to tell the tail.

:P

You should have seen his face when they sent him the bill....

Hitchens

artanevilla wrote: »

You should have seen his face when they sent him the bill....

ah I dunno if he was down..........hardly took a feather out of him! :pac:

forumlover

whats the difference between an egg and a w@nk?

you can beat an egg

Hagar the Nice.

rolliepoley wrote: »

You have to click on the spoiler and drag to highlight it.

Done that Rollie,still didn't work either on tablet or iPod.

Hagar the Nice.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Done that Rollie,still didn't work either on tablet or iPod.

Try Ctrt-A (select all) or the tablet /Ipod equivalent.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.


After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.



When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone!

the purple tin

John lost his favourite hat and rather than buy a new one he goes to mass so he can steal one from the vestibule, before he can grab one an usher sees him and guides him to a pew.
He has to sit through the whole mass which is about the ten commandmants, afterwards he goes to the priest shakes his hand and says 'I'd like to thank you Father, I came here to steal a hat but after hearing your sermon about the ten commandmants I've changed my mind'.
'Oh' says the priest 'so the thou shalt not steal commandmant got through to you then?'
'No, Father, it was the one about adultery...It made me remember where I left my hat'

Hitchens

Biddy was a 90 year-old woman who was very despondent over the recent death of her husband Pakey.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

She took down Pakey's old pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Biddy was admitted to A & E with a gunshot wound to her knee.

the purple tin

A cockney gets back from his holidays in China and heads to his local for a pint on the way home. 'so what's China like then?' the barman asks him.
'yeah it's alright' he says' but it's full of bleedin Irish farmers'
'Really?' says the barman. 'Yeah' he replies 'every fackin field belongs to a Paddy'.

Capt'n Midnight

The new Doctor Who is Glaswegian.

The first episode will see him in his hometown, fighting hordes of Cidermen.








Everybody in the world is talking about Peter Capaldi this evening.

Manchester City are reported to have made an opening bid of around 75 Million pounds

Mr Tibbs

This bloke is cycling down a road when he nearly falls off his bike as he sees a beautiful girl completely naked thumbing a lift. So he stops to offer her a lift saying hop up on the bar of my bike.
After a few minutes she says to him have you noticed anything and he says whats that love. Well for one I'm completley naked. Oh I have alright haven't you noticed this is a ladies bike.

Some12

A guy walks into a bar in Texas and sees a horse in the corner with a bucket full of money in front of it. He walks up to the bar, orders a beer, and asks about the horse.

The barman gives him a beer and tells him: “It’s a competition. You put 5 dollars in the bucket and have 30 seconds to make the horse laugh. The first to do it wins the bucket of cash”.

The guy downs his beer, walks up to the horse and whispers something into its ear. The horse bursts out laughing so he picks up the bucket of cash and walks out leaving a shocked crowd behind.

A few weeks later, he’s in Texas again and goes back to the same bar where he sees the same horse in the corner with another bucket full of cash in front of it.

The guy orders a beer and tells the barman he’ll have the horse laughing again. The barman tells him: “Son, we don’t know what you did to make that horse laugh last time so we made it harder. Now you have to make the horse cry”.

The guy downs his beer, says no problem, and walks up to the horse. Within seconds, the horse is crying like a baby. He picks up the bucket of money and heads to the door.

The barman stops him and says “Hold on now – You made the horse both laugh and cry. How the hell did you do that?”

The guy says “Well, the first time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him.”