The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

One student ,Michael, said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

`What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

rolliepoley

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

M5

This enormous lassie came up to me at the bar last night, she said:

"You might not remember me stud, I've put on a bit of weight recently, but we used to go out years ago."

"Wow... seeing you reminds me of The Matrix" I said.

"Because I'm the one?" she cooed.

"Nah" I replied, "I dodged a ****ing bullet."

TheChevron

ESPN Classic is shutting down today.

My thoughts are with all Liverpool fans at this difficult time.

--Kaiser--

TheChevron wrote: »

ESPN Classic is shutting down today.

My thoughts are with all Liverpool fans at this difficult time.

Another variation:

What do Man United fans watch? MUTV
What do Chelsea fans watch? Chelsea TV
What do Liverpool fans watch? The History Channel

Hitchens

Woman visits her doctor:

Woman - "doctor, this is a bit embarrassing for me, but my husband and I have started having anal sex and we're wondering can it do any harm?"

Doctor - "no, as long as you both enjoy it you'll be fine, just be careful not to get pregnant"!

Woman - "but doctor, a woman can't get pregnant from anal sex, can she?"

Doctor - "of course she can.............where do you think Man Utd supporters come from?"

:P

rolliepoley

It's so difficult to win at Anfield, even Liverpool can't win there.

:P

barone

there are footie threads

Life

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."

D_murph

A bloke went in to a sex shop and bought a blow up doll. He returned to the shop wanting a refund.
He told the shop manager, "It keeps going down on me".
The manager replied, "If I'd known that I would have charged you double price".

Capt'n Midnight

We call our four children Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha and Kawasaki.

They're quads.

Hagar the Nice.

Deleted User wrote: »

Life

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."

And where exactly are these women.;)

stefan idiot jones

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

And where exactly are these women.;)

The Galway Races.

Hagar the Nice.

So we've reached page 300 and still no sign of that ferocious warrior Gerard Butler,I always knew he was a big Jessie.


Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.!!!!!

Hagar the Nice.

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

The Galway Races.

Are they as lovely as Galway itself?

jarvis

What do you call a monkey terrorist?



A BABOOM!!!!!!!!

Hagar the Nice.

My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog licking marmite out of my arsehole Don'tlet him do that! she screamed, Its disgusting. Thats your opinion' i said. This is his second jar , he absolutely loves the stuff.

Hagar the Nice.

David Cameron the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital in Scotland. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
David, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

David turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks “is this a mental ward?”







"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

Hagar the Nice.

Dear all, I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Hagar the Nice.

Chap goes into the doctors and tells him "every time i sneeze Doc , i have an orgasm. Spunk my pants every time"
The doctor says "have you been taking anything for it ?"
He says "aye, pepper !"

Peregrine

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

Dartz

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

I got banned for moving the Bibles to 'Fiction'

Bannerman7

A Kerryman told his friend that he codded CIE ?

How says the friend.


I bought a return ticket &...................... I'm not going back:D

CobraClan

Did you hear their knocking the Rotunda Hospital down?
Cause its full of cracks!

Hagar the Nice.

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

You barsteward,my coffee is all over my morning paper.:(

Peregrine

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to fuck us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

You barsteward,my coffee is all over my morning paper.:(

Glad to be of service :cool:

WilyCoyote

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

David Cameron the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital in Scotland. ............................
.........................................................................................
........................................................................................
......................................"

Hagar the Nice - great joke. Here is the full unabridged version. Not trying to take the wind out of your sail but a bit of padding improves the ambience IMO.

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.
One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!


Aboon them a' ye tak your place,


Painch, tripe, or thairm:


Weel are ye wordy of a grace


As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.

Some cannae eat that want it:


But we hae meat and we can eat,


Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!


Thou need na start awa sae hasty,


Wi bickering brattle!


I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,


Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit"

jimgoose

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Hagar the Nice - great joke. Here is the full unabridged version. Not trying to take the wind out of your sail but a bit of padding improves the ambience IMO.

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.
One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!


Aboon them a' ye tak your place,


Painch, tripe, or thairm:


Weel are ye wordy of a grace


As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.

Some cannae eat that want it:


But we hae meat and we can eat,


Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!


Thou need na start awa sae hasty,


Wi bickering brattle!


I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,


Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit"

Oh Cheeses... :pac::pac::pac:

Hitchens

Murphy emigrated to Canada and he went for an interview for a job as a lumberjack:

Interviewer - "you say you have a lot of experience, where did you serve your time?"

Murphy - "in the Sahara Forest"

Interviewer - "you mean the Sahara Desert?"

Murphy - "well that's what they call it now!" :pac:

CobraClan

A Kerry man catches his son sniffing cocaine and says to him, if I catch you doing that again, I'll rub your f...ing nose in it!