The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight

We call our four children Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha and Kawasaki.

They're quads.

Hagar the Nice.

Deleted User wrote: »

Life

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."

And where exactly are these women.;)

stefan idiot jones

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

And where exactly are these women.;)

The Galway Races.

Hagar the Nice.

So we've reached page 300 and still no sign of that ferocious warrior Gerard Butler,I always knew he was a big Jessie.


Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.!!!!!

Hagar the Nice.

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

The Galway Races.

Are they as lovely as Galway itself?

jarvis

What do you call a monkey terrorist?



A BABOOM!!!!!!!!

Hagar the Nice.

My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog licking marmite out of my arsehole Don'tlet him do that! she screamed, Its disgusting. Thats your opinion' i said. This is his second jar , he absolutely loves the stuff.

Hagar the Nice.

David Cameron the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital in Scotland. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
David, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

David turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks “is this a mental ward?”







"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

Hagar the Nice.

Dear all, I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Hagar the Nice.

Chap goes into the doctors and tells him "every time i sneeze Doc , i have an orgasm. Spunk my pants every time"
The doctor says "have you been taking anything for it ?"
He says "aye, pepper !"

Peregrine

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

Dartz

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

I got banned for moving the Bibles to 'Fiction'

Bannerman7

A Kerryman told his friend that he codded CIE ?

How says the friend.


I bought a return ticket &...................... I'm not going back:D

CobraClan

Did you hear their knocking the Rotunda Hospital down?
Cause its full of cracks!

Hagar the Nice.

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

I got banned from my local book store today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the 50 Shades of Grey shelf.

You barsteward,my coffee is all over my morning paper.:(

Peregrine

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to fuck us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

You barsteward,my coffee is all over my morning paper.:(

Glad to be of service :cool:

WilyCoyote

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

David Cameron the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital in Scotland. ............................
.........................................................................................
........................................................................................
......................................"

Hagar the Nice - great joke. Here is the full unabridged version. Not trying to take the wind out of your sail but a bit of padding improves the ambience IMO.

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.
One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!


Aboon them a' ye tak your place,


Painch, tripe, or thairm:


Weel are ye wordy of a grace


As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.

Some cannae eat that want it:


But we hae meat and we can eat,


Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!


Thou need na start awa sae hasty,


Wi bickering brattle!


I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,


Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit"

jimgoose

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Hagar the Nice - great joke. Here is the full unabridged version. Not trying to take the wind out of your sail but a bit of padding improves the ambience IMO.

A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.
One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!


Aboon them a' ye tak your place,


Painch, tripe, or thairm:


Weel are ye wordy of a grace


As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.

Some cannae eat that want it:


But we hae meat and we can eat,


Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!


Thou need na start awa sae hasty,


Wi bickering brattle!


I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,


Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit"

Oh Cheeses... :pac::pac::pac:

Hitchens

Murphy emigrated to Canada and he went for an interview for a job as a lumberjack:

Interviewer - "you say you have a lot of experience, where did you serve your time?"

Murphy - "in the Sahara Forest"

Interviewer - "you mean the Sahara Desert?"

Murphy - "well that's what they call it now!" :pac:

CobraClan

A Kerry man catches his son sniffing cocaine and says to him, if I catch you doing that again, I'll rub your f...ing nose in it!

rolliepoley

The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!"

rolliepoley

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a $20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

FanadMan

rolliepoley wrote: »

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a $20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

It's amazing how all these bad things happen to Irish people in America

Hagar the Nice.

rolliepoley wrote: »

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a $20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Oi tink taht poor bloke comes from Cork.

Kettleson

2 for the musos.

Q) Whats the definition of a gentleman?

A) Someone who can play the piano accordion but doesn't.

Q) What is the definition of good luck?

A) When you throw a piano accordion on a skip and it lands on a banjo.

Menas

Two ducks flying over Belfast.
One says "Quack".
The other says "I am going as quack as I can."

wexandproud

six weeks after her son, neil , had gone to london mrs dunne had not heard a single word from him and was concerned. while out walking one day she met her friend mary and expressed her concern, dont worry says mary sure im going to londot next week i will keep an eye open ,great says mrs dunne you will find him in wc1
walking down waterloo underground platform mary spots a door with wc1 on it, delighted after finding neils house she runs over ,bangs loudly on door and shouts "are you neily done",i am says a voice but theres no paper,well says mary .. thats no excuse for not writing home to your mother

Peregrine

Trigger Happy wrote: »

Two ducks flying over Belfast.
One says "Quack".
The other says "I am going as quack as I can."

While we're on the topic of ducks..


Why did the duck go to prison?

..for selling quack










I'll get me coat..

rolliepoley

Nimrod 7 wrote: »

While we're on the topic of ducks..


Why did the duck go to prison?

..for selling quack












I'll get me coat..

Then escaped, and as he was crossing the street
he got a quack of a lorry.















I'll get me coat also..

wexie

rolliepoley wrote: »

Then escaped, and as he was crossing the street
he got a quack of a lorry.

I'll get me coat also..

Did he quack any bones?