The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

jimgoose · 17-07-2013 11:57AM

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

Hagar the Nice. · 17-07-2013 12:16PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Zsa Zsa Gabor is a great housekeeper. Been divorced seven times and she's always kept the house.

9 husbands and 1 child,that poor kid must have some amount of cleaning with so many houses available.

rolliepoley · 18-07-2013 09:12PM

Bad, bad Leroy

Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She
said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to
just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?" After Leroy threw a temper
tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to
write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new
bicycle.
Your friend,
Leroy.

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he
was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it
another try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore
it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy
this year, and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy

Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what
his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was
deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in
the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about
the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents.
For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt
down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy
finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all
the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out
the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me
a bike.
From,
You know who.

Dave H · 18-07-2013 09:30PM

A supervisor at the docks went up to one of his staff and said "John, I'm in a bit of a bind. There's four chimpanzees just in off the boat. I need someone to bring them to Dublin zoo. I'll give you €100 if you'll do it."
"No bother" said John and off he went. Delighted with this, the supervisor went on about his day. After work, he was driving down O'Connell Street only to see John with the four chimpanzees standing outside the Savoy.
He screeched to a halt, got out of the car and roared over, "John, what the hell are you at?!!! I gave you €100 to bring those chimps to the zoo."
"I did," says John, "and I'd money left over so I'm bringing them to the pictures."

CastingCouch · 18-07-2013 09:40PM

I see there are 3 people with over 100 posts in this thread and more posters with lots of multiple posts too.

I thought this was the best joke ye ever heard thread? :pac:

rolliepoley · 18-07-2013 10:05PM

Dad: Son, if you don't stop masturbating you will go blind.

Son: Dad, I'm over here.

roosterman71 · 18-07-2013 10:20PM

Guy rings his boss in work
"Hey, I won't be in today, I'm sick"
Boss: "Ah now, how sick are ya?"
Guy: "I'm in bed with my sister"

rolliepoley · 18-07-2013 10:22PM

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

Vito Corleone · 19-07-2013 06:17AM

CastingCouch wrote: »

I see there are 3 people with over 100 posts in this thread and more posters with lots of multiple posts too.

I thought this was the best joke ye ever heard thread? :pac:

I don't get it.

CarrickMcJoe · 19-07-2013 08:54AM

<snip>

Mod: Poster banned for this post

Lelantos · 19-07-2013 09:11AM

^^^

rolliepoley · 19-07-2013 06:33PM

CastingCouch wrote: »

I see there are 3 people with over 100 posts in this thread and more posters with lots of multiple posts too.

I thought this was the best joke ye ever heard thread? :pac:

Ya thought right, where is yours.

:pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac:

Micky Dolenz · 19-07-2013 07:00PM

Police are called to a ice cream parlour. On arrival they find a dead man covered in hundreds and thousands. They suspect he topped himself.

HalloweenJack · 19-07-2013 08:43PM

Why were blowjobs invented?

As a headache cure.

becost · 19-07-2013 08:56PM

Where did the Chinese man go after his wife divorced him?

Back to Wangking

Mr Tibbs · 19-07-2013 09:31PM

Our local Super-Value had a break in last night. Every box of Cornflakes and Rice Crispies were ripped to shreads with a very sharp knife the Gardai said they are looking for a serial killer.

rolliepoley · 19-07-2013 10:23PM

Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
It's because their balls fall over their butt-hole, which causes a vapor lock.

EoghanIRL · 20-07-2013 01:12AM

Marriage is like a deck of cards . At fist you need two hearts and a diamond.
But at the end all you need is a club and a spade.

EoghanIRL · 20-07-2013 01:18AM

Tornado warning in Texas .
Everyone should go to the cowboys stadium .
There is no chance of touchdown there.

20-07-2013 01:22AM

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks
"I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of no where!"

WilyCoyote · 20-07-2013 03:02AM

CastingCouch wrote: »

I see there are 3 people with over 100 posts in this thread and more posters with lots of multiple posts too.

I thought this was the best joke ye ever heard thread? :pac:

Vito Corleone wrote: »

I don't get it.

Well for argument sake lets say that the three posted over 33 jokes each. Now, only one of those 33 jokes can be THE best for each of the three.
Geddit? Good! Good grief.

Comer1 · 20-07-2013 09:53AM

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Well for argument sake lets say that the three posted over 33 jokes each. Now, only one of those 33 jokes can be THE best for each of the three.
Geddit? Good! Good grief.

He's right! How embarrassing. We must be the laughing stock of the forum.

We seriously need a mod to change the thread title to "Best joke ye ever heard SO FAR." That should cover us.

iMac_Hunt · 20-07-2013 11:01AM

Paddy goes for a handyman job on a building site in London.
Foreman" Can you lay bricks Paddy?"
"No" Says Paddy.
"Can you plaster?"
"No"
"Can you do electrical work or plumbing Paddy?"
"No"
"For **** sake Paddy, What's handy about you?"
"I live around the corner"

Gokei · 20-07-2013 01:04PM

WilyCoyote wrote: »

Well for argument sake lets say that the three posted over 33 jokes each. Now, only one of those 33 jokes can be THE best for each of the three.
Geddit? Good! Good grief.

So I hear a joke which i decide is the best joke i'd ever heard, and decide to share with my chums on here.

two months roll by and it happens again!!!

Each joke was the best I'd ever heard (at the time)

What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?!

rolliepoley · 20-07-2013 01:15PM

Gokei wrote: »

So I hear a joke which i decide is the best joke i'd ever heard, and decide to share with my chums on here.

two months roll by and it happens again!!!

Each joke was the best I'd ever heard (at the time)

What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?!

You go tell another one, just like the title says.

Its the best joke (you) ever heard

rolliepoley · 20-07-2013 01:27PM

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Micky Dolenz · 20-07-2013 02:33PM

Tom and Lisa are making dinner. Tom suggests that Lisa pop out to the local off license on the corner to get a nice bottle of vino. Tom has finished dinner and there is no sign of Lisa so he goes out to find her.

Tom walks to the off license and noticed it is closed, he gets a bit concerned and peers in through the window of the shop. To his shock, he sees Lisa naked with the shop keepers head between her legs. He is outraged.

As luck would have it a police man is passing by. Tom screams for him to help him.

The policeman says " Sorry Sir, there is nothing I can do. he has a lick her license"

EoghanIRL · 20-07-2013 10:07PM

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Tom and Lisa are making dinner. Tom suggests that Lisa pop out to the local off license on the corner to get a nice bottle of vino. Tom has finished dinner and there is no sign of Lisa so he goes out to find her.

Tom walks to the off license and noticed it is closed, he gets a bit concerned and peers in through the window of the shop. To his shock, he sees Lisa naked with the shop keepers head between her legs. He is outraged.

As luck would have it a police man is passing by. Tom screams for him to help him.

The policeman says " Sorry Sir, there is nothing I can do. he has a lick her license"

That joke made me cringe

Busted Flat. · 20-07-2013 10:10PM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

That joke made me cringe

The shop owner seemed to have a taste for it.

Mariasofia · 20-07-2013 10:15PM

A farmer in Ireland has just grown the first ever crop of vibrators.
He has a fierce problem with women claiming squatters rights though.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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