The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

A man and a boy have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice
fishing. The man has been having no luck at all while the boy has been
pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man finally
leans over and asks the kid what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the kid repeats.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The boy spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "You've
got to keep your worms warm!"

More Fishing:

3 Children come across an old man fishing.

One of the children asks. "Old man, have you caught any fish today?"

The old man replies:

"Childer, I have been fishing at this exact spot for over 60 years now, and it matters not whether I catch a fish. My dear children, many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. One day you will understand".

The children fell silent, then one brave child stood forward and spoke.

"Old man, for over 60 years you have been fishing in a puddle, the river is over there".

We were having the craic in the job today about who is the boss at home,so when i got in from work i was feeling a bit brave and said to the wife where is my dinner bitch,she said here it is dear and gave me a lovely knuckle sandwich.
I was sh##ing teeth for days.

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.



“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner, and don’t move.”


She then quickly rubbed baby oil all over his body and dusted him with some talcum powder.


“Don’t move a muscle until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”


“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.


“Oh… it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom, and I liked it so much I got one for us too.”


No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.


“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!”

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!



“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”


With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.


“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.


“Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of tryingthey decided to go to the hospital.



As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”


The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”