The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

sebastianlieken

sebastianlieken wrote: »

I was always uncomfortable saying "Ich liebe Dich" in Germany. To an english speaker you're basically saying "I love Dick" ..... that's one way of spoiling a romantic atmosphere.

What if you're female and your boyfriend's called Richard! :pac:

coffee_cake

sebastianlieken wrote: »

I was always uncomfortable saying "Ich liebe Dich" in Germany. To an english speaker you're basically saying "I love Dick" ..... that's one way of spoiling a romantic atmosphere.

Only if you mispronounce the ch

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

sebastianlieken wrote: »

I was always uncomfortable saying "Ich liebe Dich" in Germany. To an english speaker you're basically saying "I love Dick" ..... that's one way of spoiling a romantic atmosphere.

I have a classic photo somewhere, taken in Munich a coupe of years ago of a banner at a Christian rally telling anyone in attendence that Jesus Loves Dich.

rolliepoley

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her"
So we walked past it again....

Mr Tibbs

A bloke goes into a restaurant sits down at an available table and starts to read the menu when the waitress comes over to him to take his order. He looks up and sees this stunner with big tits and says to her I'd like a quickie.
Insulted she walks away and after a few minutes she goes back over to take his order and again he says I'd like a quickie so she gives him a slap on the face and storms away. A fellow at the next table sees the poor fellow is in shock and says hey mate that's quiche on the menu.

Clever Flight Attendant

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,' If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, .... please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand
always pulls out on time. ...... And ask her to explain that to you." !!

rolliepoley

Mother superior called all the nuns together & said to them I must tell you something
"we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent"
Thank god said a elderly nun at the back,
I'm so tired of Chardonay

Mr Tibbs

Brilliant lads thanks for the laughs this morning here's another one.

An old boy of 98 goes to the doctor for his checkup and the doctor is amazed at his physique saying to him he's the fittest man he has ever examined for his age. You have the body of a sixty year old you must surely work out. Yes says the old timer twice a day as a mater of fact I cycled here today. That's amazing I'm delighted for you. Well says the old boy I do have a serious problem doc my sex drive is very high I wonder could you give me something for it. In shock the Doctor says where's the problem with that I mean your 98. Well these days doc I find its all in my head I'd love if you could give me something to lower it down to my prick.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Deleted User wrote: »

The one above

Is EVERY joke you hear the best joke you eve hrard? In ascending order?!

haveabanana

A few years ago I landed myself in jail and was repeatedly gang raped. It was then I realized that my family take monopoly way too seriously.

Mr Tibbs

During the Vietnam war the protesters outside the Whitehouse had a brilliant chant they used on the President.
Pull out Nixon like your father should have.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Is EVERY joke you hear the best joke you eve hrard? In ascending order?!

This thread would have died years ago if we'd stuck to only the "Best joke ever heard!"

rolliepoley

The foreman asked the Irish navvy "What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

Simple says the navvy

Joyce wrote Ulysses, Goethe wrote Faust

Capt'n Midnight

Photographer at the wedding:
- And where is our happy couple?
One of the guests:
- Yes, here they are: the bride and her mother ...

cruiser178

Sitting on the end of the bed pulling off my boxers.

I thought to myself, I ****ing spoil these dogs.





My wife said she was leaving me because I always over-exaggerate.

well, i was so shocked I nearly tripped over my cock.

Anyone

I took a bird back to my house the other night. "Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked, confused.

"They're pictures of my wife," I replied. "They're just too painful to look at."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she stammered, "I didn't know. How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Both of her parents were ugly," I replied.

blue note

An original of mine - myself and my sister were giving each other clues and you had to guess what country the other person was talking about. e.g. Q. What country is always in a hurry? A. Russia

So the one that I'm proud of

Q. What country keeps losing it's shoe?

A. Taiwan.

chughes

As a result of his latest indiscretion, Liverpool footballer is to be sold for 10 million pounds to Borussia Monchen Centreback.

cruiser178

blue note wrote: »

An original of mine - myself and my sister were giving each other clues and you had to guess what country the other person was talking about. e.g. Q. What country is always in a hurry? A. Russia

So the one that I'm proud of

Q. What country keeps losing it's shoe?

A. Taiwan.

An intriguing little game you got going there note. Do you play any other games with your sister? do tell

Mr Tibbs

I went to a seminar for premature ejeculation, I came away early.

major bill

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. ", explains the duck.

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

rolliepoley

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole,just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Allyall

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

A bloke agrees to go on a blind date to suit his friend who's girlfriend asked him to find someone for her friend.
Well he was pleasantly surprised when he met his date as she was a fine thing.
So he brings her to the pictures and she mauls him. When the film was over he asks her what would she like to do now and she said to him I'd like to get weighed, so he finds a weighing scales outside a chemist shop she gets up and he inserts the money. 12 stone nice weight he says to her and then suggests a McDonalds to her so off they go and have a meal.
When they come out he is feeling frisky thinking about what she was doing to him at the pictures so being ever so polite he asks her what would she like to do now and she says I'd like to get weighted. F*ck this he thinks she's a weirdo so its back to the chemist shop she gets up on the scales and he inserts the money turns on his heels and leaves her there. The next day the girls friend asks her how was her blind date and she says He was weally wude.

.

rolliepoley

Teacher : Peter how do you define a kilometre ?
Peter: It's easy sir even an infant could tell it.
Teacher : Then tell me.
Peter : Sir a kilometre is the distance in meters you can travel by carrying a load of a kilogram.

Frito

What did the salmon say when it swam into a wall?







Dam.

Capt'n Midnight

Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

rolliepoley

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.
"How about Iraq?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first:"Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "Sir, I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know s**t?"

wexie

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: “So, where y’all from?”

The girl from New York said: “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: “So, where y’all from, BITCH?”

dupeters

two cows in a field grazing.
one cow says to the other "what do you make of this mad cow disease then?"
"i don't know says the other cow i'm a chicken"

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
















"No," I replied, "I'm just a shíte golfer."