The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

bmwguy

2 London prostitutes were chatting about the problems they faced in their business. "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" one asked the other. "No" she replied "but I was swung around by the tits once"

rolliepoley

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before.

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.

Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

Mr Benevolent

And these are the best jokes people have heard? Good god.

bmwguy

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

And these are the best jokes people have heard? Good god.

Good contribution. Tell us a joke

Hitchens

two women discussing their medical well being

1st woman - "I've developed the most peculiar condition in the last while, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm"

2nd woman - "are you taking anything for it?"

1st woman -

"yes, ...................................SNUFF"

rolliepoley

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

And these are the best jokes people have heard? Good god.

A man is sitting down to read the paper when he hears a knock on his door. Upon opening the door the man is confronted by a snail on his doorstep. "Good evening," says the snail, "I'm collecting for the snail benevolent fund. Would you care to make a donation?". The snail gets his reply as the man kicks him into the bushes. Ten years later there's another knock at the door. Again, the man finds a snail on his doorstep. "That wasn't very nice!" exclaims the snail.

Mr Tibbs

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

And these are the best jokes people have heard? Good god.

Well go on so share one of your amazing jokes with us we are only here for the laugh afterall.

rolliepoley

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the aroused bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

loremolis

"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of their authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

Capt'n Midnight

#951798 +(388)- [X]
<LocalDescriptorTable> Hey Russia I just met you and this is crazy but our space agency is broke launch our shít maybe?




#950944 +(513)- [X]
<Toba> i like my coffee like i like my women: earthy, french, and on my desk at work
<nightshroud> But be careful or you may end up with burning pain on your lap area.





#949959 +(2719)- [X]
<DevXen> Today I was at the store and saw a Darth Vader action figure that said "Choking Hazard." It was great.






#949797 +(872)- [X]
<@cougem&gt; at 4am this morning i got a call from another hospital saying they were sending in a patient with a hole in their aorta
<@cougem&gt; which as emergencies go is about 1 level below 'his head has fallen off'






#949560 +(1942)- [X]
<lrvick> whoa
<lrvick> i just found a usb magstrip reader
<lrvick> i never knew i had
<lrvick> i wonder if it works like a keyboard...
<lrvick> %B4744740232448132^VICK/LANCE R^1506101000000000087800878000000?;4744740232258132=15061010000000000878?
<lrvick> well
<lrvick> damn
<lrvick> apparently it does
<Science> What did we just read?
<lrvick> no comment
<Science> CC info, gotcha
<ThantiK> lrvick...
<ThantiK> you swiped a VISA...
<ThantiK> 4744 is VISA start code for credit cards.
<ThantiK> A bank of america one, specifically.
<ThantiK> Might wanna change that now, lol - all of us probably have IRC logging turned on. You just threw your debit card info into all of our machines.
<Science> WELL NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IF YOU HADN'T SAID IT MAN




#543730 +(839)- [X]
<JDProject> can someone explain the difference between a hub and a router ?
<ffejtable> one works at layer 2, the other at layer 3+
<LeddyWK> if he's asking the difference, chances are he doesn't know the osi model




#21948 +(157)- [X]
<Frankie> hmm, ive got a sky channel in my room and im watching my dad trying to get porn on it downstairs




#33957 +(311)- [X]
<scout> woohoo! the FORTRAN code works!
* gus blinks
<gus> dude, is it 1977 again and nobody told me ?
<heliOx> lol



#182036 +(830)- [X]
<TeamGato-Mumbo> oh god, my cat is being eaten by racoons
<TeamGato-Mumbo> brb




#73028 +(353)- [X]
<Verchiani> whats a good word to get shaved into the back of your head??
<DeathJester> idiot



#99829 +(376)- [X]
<Sinclair-> i liked the new travel slogan for Gaza
<Sinclair-> "Now only a stone's throw from jerusalem"
<@Death-Blade&gt; lol




#625865 +(1118)- [X]
Jeffrey: Heh, what an ass. My friend Vann just beat me at Chess, and he checkmated me by putting my king in check with a pawn...Then saying PAWNED!!1!

Liamalone

A wee sad one:


-Did Ye hear about the parent's day at the local orphanage?




- no-one turned up

neil_hosey

I like my women how i like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer

--Kaiser--

Liamalone wrote: »

A wee sad one:


-Did Ye hear about the parent's day at the local orphanage?




- no-one turned up

Honestly the worst attempt at a joke I have ever encountered. Go sit in the corner

Drakares

neil_hosey wrote: »

I like my women how i like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer

^ How could anyone find this even remotely funny?

--Kaiser--

Drakares wrote: »

^ How could anyone find this even remotely funny?

I know, who keeps coffee grounds in the freezer?

Liamalone

Liamalone wrote: »

A wee sad one:


-Did Ye hear about the parent's day at the local orphanage?




- no-one turned up

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Honestly the worst attempt at a joke I have ever encountered. Go sit in the corner

lol Tis the only one I ever remember, and I agree, it is truly awful

gramar

On a scorching hot day a husband and wife are selling melons out of the back of a van. The wife gets up after a while and goes into the back of the van and when she doesn't come out the husband goes to she where she's gone.
He opens up the door and he see's his missus with her knickers down around her ankles and eating a slice of melon.
'jaysus woman' he says...'what are ye doing with yer knickers down around your ankles'
'trying to keep the flies away from me melon' she says.

Thatnastyboy

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Honestly the worst attempt at a joke I have ever encountered. Go sit in the corner

AH LIAMALONE WILL YA

Liamalone wrote: »

.

Capt'n Midnight

In Honour of Sir Alex Ferguson's retirement all Premiership matches will play an extra 2 minutes injury time this weekend.

Dr.Winston O'Boogie

Thinking of moving to Switzerland.

The flag is a massive plus.

--Kaiser--

Paddy Irishman leaves his home and goes to Australia. After a few weeks of looking around he gets a job looking after a sheep farm. He works away for a month or so and lives on his own in a simple shack and is happy enough.

One day a big Ford jeep arrives and a big Aussie steps out. "G'day fella" says the man shooting out his hand "Name's Bill, I own this farm". The two chat for a while about work and then as he's about to leave Bill says

"Say, I'm having a party at the weekends, whdaya reckon, you interested?"

"Sure" says Paddy "I haven't seen a soul save a sheep in the last month! What kind of party is it?"

"Well, a traditional Aussie knees up begins with a Barbie and a few beers"

"Excellent!" says Paddy

"Now, I must warn you, there'll be a lot of drinking"

"Hey, I'm Irish" replies Paddy "I can handle a bit of boozing"

"Glad to hear" says Bill "But, as you know, with a lot of drinking, there be a lot of fighting!"

"inevitable" Paddy says "I think I can handle myself"

"Good stuff. And after all the eating and drinking and fighting, I expect there'll be a lot of vigorous sex going on"

"Can't wait!" says Paddy, rubbing his hands together "But...only thing is...I've been working outside this whole time... I don't really have any clothes to wear"

"Don't worry about that!" Bills starts laughing and claps Paddy on the back "It'll just be the two of us!"

Mr Tibbs

niallo24 wrote: »

Thinking of moving to Switzerland.

The flag is a massive plus.

Dont know I always thought it was a bit cross

BOHtox

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and shtinking o' whiskey!

BOHtox

Liamalone wrote: »

A wee sad one:


-Did Ye hear about the parent's day at the local orphanage?




- no-one turned up

http://i.qkme.me/3ojb61.jpg

Mr Tibbs

This bloke goes up to the American immigration desk at Shannon and the offical asks him his occupation. He says Pilot and the offical says great we never have enough of you guys. Second bloke also says Pilot, brilliant says the official come on board. The third bloke says turf cutter and the official says sorry buddy but we have no use for turf cutters in the States and the bloke says sure if I dont cut it how will them other fellows pile it.

Clandestine

BOHtox wrote: »

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and shtinking o' whiskey!

I like my women how I like my shoelaces.

Easy to tie up.

reap-a-rat

Clandestine wrote: »

I like my women how I like my shoelaces.

Easy to tie up.

In light of recent events, I can't help but think that joke will go down like the Syrian internet...

Mr Tibbs

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Dont know I always thought it was a bit cross

That often happens when the ambulances turn up at the Swiss embassy instead of going to the local hospital.

rolliepoley

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."