The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mr Tibbs

A Priest was relaxing on a park bench admiring the beautiful flowers all around him thinking isn't God wonderful.
His peace and quiet was disturbed by this filthy tramp who sat down next to him on a park bench and to add insult to injury pulled out the Sun newspaper to have a leer at page three as he taught.
The hobo turned to him and asked, hey father what causes arthritis.
Disgusted he turned to the tramp and said it comes from lack of hygiene constant impure thoughts and sleeping rough.
After a few seconds he really felt guilty turned to the tramp apoligized and asked him why he wanted to know.
Ah said the tramp I was reading here in the paper the Pope has it.

rolliepoley

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Manc-Red

Silly one but here goes....

What ya call a fly without wings.....

A walk.

becost

What do you call a donkey with only three legs?

A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with three legs and only one eye?

A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye that listens to country and western music?

A honky tonky winky wonky donkey.

Good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want
to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had
the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not
disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left
the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor
in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I
thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my
name I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.



Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

rolliepoley

Deleted User wrote: »

Good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want
to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had
the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not
disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left
the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor
in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I
thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my
name I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.



Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Very good.

:pac:

Bluestrike

A guy walks up to a girl in a club and asks her
"Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

Mr Tibbs

A couple were in bed one Sunday morning when the wife said to hubby would you like me to make you a big fry up and a mug of coffee. No he said these Viagra would put you right off your food. Right so she said would you like some scrambled eggs on toast and a cup of coffee. No thanks love he said. Right so she said would you ever get the f'*ck off me because I'm starving.

rolliepoley

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Allyall

rolliepoley wrote: »

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans...

Reminds me of this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMOH5kpOmu0

readytosnap

did you hear about the babby that was born with 5 mickeys?


doctors said his nappy fits him like a glove :P

smash

readytosnap wrote: »

did you hear about the babby that was born with 5 mickeys?


doctors said his nappy fits him like a glove :P

Did the nappy have 5 cock holes

AngryHippie

Do any Nappies have Cock Holes?

Bit pointless if they do :rolleyes:

smash

AngryHippie wrote: »

Do any Nappies have Cock Holes?

Bit pointless if they do :rolleyes:

Well it's a pointless glove if you've nowhere to put your fingers too.

Allyall

smash wrote: »

Well it's a pointless glove if you've nowhere to put your fingers too.

Also, it would just sound plain weird if it said that "a Glove fit him like a Nappy"

Wossack

AngryHippie wrote: »

Do any Nappies have Cock Holes?

Bit pointless if they do :rolleyes:

thats the part of the joke you find least believable?

flutterflye

How about we just say it fit him like a mitten? Sound like a plan? Yes? Good. Sorted.

Mr Tibbs

A bloke comes home from work as an undertaker late one night and his wife gets an awful shock. His black suit is all torn he has two black eyes and his mouth is bleeding.
She ask's him what happened and he tells her he got a call from a hotel that one of their guest's died having sex, so over we went and asked at reception where the body was.
Well up we go to the room and here was this fellow lying on the bed bollock naked with the biggest erection I have ever seen. So I done what I always do on this situation I went to brake his horn to get him in the coffin.
Well said the wife who gave you the hiding. I was in the wrong f*cking room.

Bluestrike

I dont know if dirty jokes are allowed (assume so as after hours but still) so i will spoiler it

A carrot, a potato and a penis are talking
The carrot goes "my life is so bad, when i get big and ripe and juicy, i get chopped up and eaten alive"
The potato replies "you think thats bad, when i get big and ripe and juicy, my skin is peeled off and i am boiled alive"
The penis then says "I have it worst of all, when i get big and ripe and juicy, a bag is put over my head and im repeatedly smashed agaisnt a wall of a cave until i puke"

:P

Derpington95

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a fish.

david75

And 150 million obese Americans just went 'ha! ****in warned yis!!'

david75

david75 wrote: »

And 150 million obese Americans just went 'ha! ****in warned yis!!'

Too early!

efb

Are these a favourite 12 year old's jokes now???

True Reports from British life ..........!!!


BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during
the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her
underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her
Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they
cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want
the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued
by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This
sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked
him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a
gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover
off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her
reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)





HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE




A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go
in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E
& B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable
future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All
together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the
pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Funk It

Ah good stuff, we are allowed dirty jokes now, I'll start with a short one:

A white horse...

...fell in a muddy field

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES...


English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai ****e Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Australia, Northern Territory Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

ruthloss

A friend of mine was bitten by a Rattlesnake., and if I had known the difference between an Antidote and an Anecdote, he'd still be alive today.

sebastianlieken

Deleted User wrote: »

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES...


English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai ****e Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Australia, Northern Territory Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

I was always uncomfortable saying "Ich liebe Dich" in Germany. To an english speaker you're basically saying "I love Dick" ..... that's one way of spoiling a romantic atmosphere.

ruthloss

The Miss Universe Pageant is a fix., all the contestants are from Earth.

Kerry Gooner

The Dying Irish Nun

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, "Don't sell that cow."