The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

readytosnap

did you hear about the babby that was born with 5 mickeys?


doctors said his nappy fits him like a glove :P

smash

readytosnap wrote: »

did you hear about the babby that was born with 5 mickeys?


doctors said his nappy fits him like a glove :P

Did the nappy have 5 cock holes

AngryHippie

Do any Nappies have Cock Holes?

Bit pointless if they do :rolleyes:

smash

AngryHippie wrote: »

Do any Nappies have Cock Holes?

Bit pointless if they do :rolleyes:

Well it's a pointless glove if you've nowhere to put your fingers too.

Allyall

smash wrote: »

Well it's a pointless glove if you've nowhere to put your fingers too.

Also, it would just sound plain weird if it said that "a Glove fit him like a Nappy"

Wossack

AngryHippie wrote: »

Do any Nappies have Cock Holes?

Bit pointless if they do :rolleyes:

thats the part of the joke you find least believable?

flutterflye

How about we just say it fit him like a mitten? Sound like a plan? Yes? Good. Sorted.

Mr Tibbs

A bloke comes home from work as an undertaker late one night and his wife gets an awful shock. His black suit is all torn he has two black eyes and his mouth is bleeding.
She ask's him what happened and he tells her he got a call from a hotel that one of their guest's died having sex, so over we went and asked at reception where the body was.
Well up we go to the room and here was this fellow lying on the bed bollock naked with the biggest erection I have ever seen. So I done what I always do on this situation I went to brake his horn to get him in the coffin.
Well said the wife who gave you the hiding. I was in the wrong f*cking room.

Bluestrike

I dont know if dirty jokes are allowed (assume so as after hours but still) so i will spoiler it

A carrot, a potato and a penis are talking
The carrot goes "my life is so bad, when i get big and ripe and juicy, i get chopped up and eaten alive"
The potato replies "you think thats bad, when i get big and ripe and juicy, my skin is peeled off and i am boiled alive"
The penis then says "I have it worst of all, when i get big and ripe and juicy, a bag is put over my head and im repeatedly smashed agaisnt a wall of a cave until i puke"

:P

Derpington95

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a fish.

david75

And 150 million obese Americans just went 'ha! ****in warned yis!!'

david75

david75 wrote: »

And 150 million obese Americans just went 'ha! ****in warned yis!!'

Too early!

efb

Are these a favourite 12 year old's jokes now???

True Reports from British life ..........!!!


BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during
the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her
underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her
Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they
cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want
the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued
by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This
sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked
him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a
gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover
off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her
reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)





HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE




A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go
in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E
& B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable
future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All
together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the
pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Funk It

Ah good stuff, we are allowed dirty jokes now, I'll start with a short one:

A white horse...

...fell in a muddy field

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES...


English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai ****e Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Australia, Northern Territory Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

ruthloss

A friend of mine was bitten by a Rattlesnake., and if I had known the difference between an Antidote and an Anecdote, he'd still be alive today.

sebastianlieken

Deleted User wrote: »

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES...


English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai ****e Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Australia, Northern Territory Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

I was always uncomfortable saying "Ich liebe Dich" in Germany. To an english speaker you're basically saying "I love Dick" ..... that's one way of spoiling a romantic atmosphere.

ruthloss

The Miss Universe Pageant is a fix., all the contestants are from Earth.

Kerry Gooner

The Dying Irish Nun

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, "Don't sell that cow."

sebastianlieken

sebastianlieken wrote: »

I was always uncomfortable saying "Ich liebe Dich" in Germany. To an english speaker you're basically saying "I love Dick" ..... that's one way of spoiling a romantic atmosphere.

What if you're female and your boyfriend's called Richard! :pac:

sebastianlieken

sebastianlieken wrote: »

I was always uncomfortable saying "Ich liebe Dich" in Germany. To an english speaker you're basically saying "I love Dick" ..... that's one way of spoiling a romantic atmosphere.

Only if you mispronounce the ch

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

sebastianlieken wrote: »

I was always uncomfortable saying "Ich liebe Dich" in Germany. To an english speaker you're basically saying "I love Dick" ..... that's one way of spoiling a romantic atmosphere.

I have a classic photo somewhere, taken in Munich a coupe of years ago of a banner at a Christian rally telling anyone in attendence that Jesus Loves Dich.

rolliepoley

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her"
So we walked past it again....

Mr Tibbs

A bloke goes into a restaurant sits down at an available table and starts to read the menu when the waitress comes over to him to take his order. He looks up and sees this stunner with big tits and says to her I'd like a quickie.
Insulted she walks away and after a few minutes she goes back over to take his order and again he says I'd like a quickie so she gives him a slap on the face and storms away. A fellow at the next table sees the poor fellow is in shock and says hey mate that's quiche on the menu.

Clever Flight Attendant

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,' If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, .... please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand
always pulls out on time. ...... And ask her to explain that to you." !!

rolliepoley

Mother superior called all the nuns together & said to them I must tell you something
"we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent"
Thank god said a elderly nun at the back,
I'm so tired of Chardonay

Mr Tibbs

Brilliant lads thanks for the laughs this morning here's another one.

An old boy of 98 goes to the doctor for his checkup and the doctor is amazed at his physique saying to him he's the fittest man he has ever examined for his age. You have the body of a sixty year old you must surely work out. Yes says the old timer twice a day as a mater of fact I cycled here today. That's amazing I'm delighted for you. Well says the old boy I do have a serious problem doc my sex drive is very high I wonder could you give me something for it. In shock the Doctor says where's the problem with that I mean your 98. Well these days doc I find its all in my head I'd love if you could give me something to lower it down to my prick.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Deleted User wrote: »

The one above

Is EVERY joke you hear the best joke you eve hrard? In ascending order?!

haveabanana

A few years ago I landed myself in jail and was repeatedly gang raped. It was then I realized that my family take monopoly way too seriously.