The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Someone once asked me, what is your job?"

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple.. my wife has told me that when she wants my fúcking advice, she'll ask me for it. !!

What Religion is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

But they forgot the German bra.
The Holtzemfromfloppen

rolliepoley

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £50 an hour.'

'..ist gut, but I must vorn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vish zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the whole experience fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

….Four-sprung duck technique’

Aphex

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

It's impossible to gargle sand.

Aphex

Double post

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

rolliepoley

A woman walks into the rooftop bar of an hotel.

She takes a stool next to the only other occupant, a man sipping a beer.

"What are you drinking?" she asks him.

"Magic beer." he says.

"Magic beer? Why is it magic?" she asks.

"I'll show you." says the man, getting up and walking to the edge of the roof. He leaps off and flies around the building before alighting on his seat.

"Wow! Let me have a pint of what he's drinking!" says the woman to the barkeep.

She downs the pint, walks to the edge of the roof, leaps off and plunges 25 floors to a messy death on the pavement below.

"Superman, you're such a bastard when you're drunk!" says the barkeep...

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,


"Okay, Okay!!!





I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

New Treatment For Sunburn



A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.


He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.


With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,

the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.


The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?


The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

rolliepoley

I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes: The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is… and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”…. I saw another waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat, what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing… why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

sparkthatbled

Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?


He got the sack!

gammygils

85 year old woman goes into a doctor looking for Viagra for her husband who's 86

Doctor says ''Well it's available in 3 strengths

25mg for semi-solid
50mg for hard and
75mg for rock hard"

"Ah! The 25mg will do" she says

"It's only to stop him pissin on his slippers!" :pac:

J Cheever Loophole

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!', people just cheered!!

EoghanIRL

The woman who invented the phrase "all men are same"
was a chinese women who lost her husband in a crowd in china.

cruais

Kettleson wrote: »

A social worker stopped a man in the street and says

"Excuse me do you have the time?"

The man replies "No I haven't got a watch".

The social worker replies..."Ah not to worry, but it was good to talk about it".

FAIL

cruais

Johnny's Camp Trip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

DaithiMa

Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?

It burst, and now she's living in a flat.

duiggers

How do you piss off a midget?


Give em a yoyo

rolliepoley

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

bonzodog2

cruais wrote: »

Johnny's Camp Trip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

Reminds me, verbatim, of a soundclip from an old PC game called Big Red Racing (a car racing game from the early/mid 90's we got on a magazine cover CD IIRC)

castletownman

Tom Cruise's Irish ancestors were roadbuilders who pioneered the cult of Signtology

Latchy

A Scotsman, an Englisman ,an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a pub. The barman looks at them and says "is this a joke?"

Anyone

I have made a terrible mistake....I had been seeing this girl for a while, but I broke up with her when she admitted to me she had experimented with girls.

I just found out it means she's bisexual....not an evil scientist

mccarthy37

This bloke goes to the doctor and give's him a note that reads.
Please doctor can you help me as I can't talk.
So the doctor writes him a note in reply. Of course I can please remove your pants and place your penis on my desk.
Your man thinks this is odd but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor takes a wooden mallet out of his desk and gives your mans prick an unmerciful slap.
The bloke screams AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
The doctor hands him a note that says 50 euro please come back tomorrow and I will teach you to say B.

Duiske

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

Daveysil15

What do men and cars have in common? They always pull out before checking to see if anyone else is cumming.

Comer1

Daveysil15 wrote: »

What do men and cars have in common? They always pull out before checking to see if anyone else is cumming.

Cars don't always do that

rolliepoley

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Daveysil15

Comer1 wrote: »

Cars don't always do that

Men don't always do it either.

rolliepoley

rolliepoley wrote: »

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Or in Ireland; snow!, snow!, snow!, snow!