The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

sparkthatbled

Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?


He got the sack!

gammygils

85 year old woman goes into a doctor looking for Viagra for her husband who's 86

Doctor says ''Well it's available in 3 strengths

25mg for semi-solid
50mg for hard and
75mg for rock hard"

"Ah! The 25mg will do" she says

"It's only to stop him pissin on his slippers!" :pac:

J Cheever Loophole

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!', people just cheered!!

EoghanIRL

The woman who invented the phrase "all men are same"
was a chinese women who lost her husband in a crowd in china.

cruais

Kettleson wrote: »

A social worker stopped a man in the street and says

"Excuse me do you have the time?"

The man replies "No I haven't got a watch".

The social worker replies..."Ah not to worry, but it was good to talk about it".

FAIL

cruais

Johnny's Camp Trip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

DaithiMa

Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?

It burst, and now she's living in a flat.

duiggers

How do you piss off a midget?


Give em a yoyo

rolliepoley

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

bonzodog2

cruais wrote: »

Johnny's Camp Trip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

Reminds me, verbatim, of a soundclip from an old PC game called Big Red Racing (a car racing game from the early/mid 90's we got on a magazine cover CD IIRC)

castletownman

Tom Cruise's Irish ancestors were roadbuilders who pioneered the cult of Signtology

Latchy

A Scotsman, an Englisman ,an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a pub. The barman looks at them and says "is this a joke?"

Anyone

I have made a terrible mistake....I had been seeing this girl for a while, but I broke up with her when she admitted to me she had experimented with girls.

I just found out it means she's bisexual....not an evil scientist

mccarthy37

This bloke goes to the doctor and give's him a note that reads.
Please doctor can you help me as I can't talk.
So the doctor writes him a note in reply. Of course I can please remove your pants and place your penis on my desk.
Your man thinks this is odd but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor takes a wooden mallet out of his desk and gives your mans prick an unmerciful slap.
The bloke screams AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
The doctor hands him a note that says 50 euro please come back tomorrow and I will teach you to say B.

Duiske

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

Daveysil15

What do men and cars have in common? They always pull out before checking to see if anyone else is cumming.

Comer1

Daveysil15 wrote: »

What do men and cars have in common? They always pull out before checking to see if anyone else is cumming.

Cars don't always do that

rolliepoley

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Daveysil15

Comer1 wrote: »

Cars don't always do that

Men don't always do it either.

rolliepoley

rolliepoley wrote: »

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Or in Ireland; snow!, snow!, snow!, snow!

Mr Tibbs

A Priest was relaxing on a park bench admiring the beautiful flowers all around him thinking isn't God wonderful.
His peace and quiet was disturbed by this filthy tramp who sat down next to him on a park bench and to add insult to injury pulled out the Sun newspaper to have a leer at page three as he taught.
The hobo turned to him and asked, hey father what causes arthritis.
Disgusted he turned to the tramp and said it comes from lack of hygiene constant impure thoughts and sleeping rough.
After a few seconds he really felt guilty turned to the tramp apoligized and asked him why he wanted to know.
Ah said the tramp I was reading here in the paper the Pope has it.

rolliepoley

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Manc-Red

Silly one but here goes....

What ya call a fly without wings.....

A walk.

becost

What do you call a donkey with only three legs?

A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with three legs and only one eye?

A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye that listens to country and western music?

A honky tonky winky wonky donkey.

Good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want
to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had
the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not
disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left
the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor
in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I
thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my
name I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.



Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

rolliepoley

Deleted User wrote: »

Good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want
to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had
the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not
disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left
the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor
in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I
thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my
name I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.



Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Very good.

:pac:

Bluestrike

A guy walks up to a girl in a club and asks her
"Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

Mr Tibbs

A couple were in bed one Sunday morning when the wife said to hubby would you like me to make you a big fry up and a mug of coffee. No he said these Viagra would put you right off your food. Right so she said would you like some scrambled eggs on toast and a cup of coffee. No thanks love he said. Right so she said would you ever get the f'*ck off me because I'm starving.

rolliepoley

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Allyall

rolliepoley wrote: »

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans...

Reminds me of this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMOH5kpOmu0