The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.



“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner, and don’t move.”


She then quickly rubbed baby oil all over his body and dusted him with some talcum powder.


“Don’t move a muscle until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”


“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.


“Oh… it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom, and I liked it so much I got one for us too.”


No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.


“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!”

rolliepoley

There’s a drunk at one end of a bar, and a woman in a tight low-cut dress at the other end of the bar. The woman is waving feverishly for the bartender, and she has an incredibly hairy armpit.



The drunk yells out, “Give me a drink, and give a drink to the ballerina at the other end.”


The bartender says, “How do you know she’s a ballerina?”


The drunk says, “Who else could get her leg up that high?”

Hitchens

Two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the street licking his balls!


Drunk 1 - "Wish I could do that!"


Drunk 2 - "Better ask the dog first!!"

bnt

A mohel is the guy who circumcises the the baby boys of of Jewish parents ... I heard about this one mohel who didn't charge anything, he was happy to work for tips only. However, after many years of slicing & dicing, he started to lose his eyesight, and one day he slipped and got the sack. Poor old guy, just couldn't cut it any more ... :eek:

rolliepoley

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!



“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”


With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.


“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.


“Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”

zVk

Where did the chicken cross the road ?

It gets to the other side !

Hitchens

Q: what animal has a cúnt halfway up it's back?

A:

a police horse!

Lelantos

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.


He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'


London Lawyer says, 'What for?'


Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'


London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'


Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.


License And registration, please.'


London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'


Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'


London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'


Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'


The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

rolliepoley

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of tryingthey decided to go to the hospital.



As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”


The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

MaroonAndGreen

Did you hear about the carrot that died? There was a big turnip at his funeral!

What did the priest say? Lettuce pray!

:P

Curly Judge

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Mr Tibbs

A bloke goes into a casino and in the course the night loses a thousand euro.
He leaves dejected and when he goes outside its pouring rain and there is only one Taxi in the rank so he goes over and asks the driver would he bring him home and when he has money he will pay him. The driver laughs and tells him to go and f*ck himself.
A month later the bloke is back in the casino with another thousand euro and has a great night winning ten thousand euro. At the end of the night he goes outside and the Taxi rank is full of cars so he goes to the first car and asks the driver would he bring him home for three hundred euro and the driver said of course but yer man said there is a catch you will have to suck me off when you take me home. The driver told him to get lost so down he goes along the Taxi rank and gets the same answer from every driver until he sees the driver who left him stranded the last night.
He approaches the Taxi and asks the driver will he bring him home for three hundred euro and the driver says of course jump in. So in he gets and asks the driver for one favour would he drive really slow past the Taxi rank.

aw

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

A bloke goes into a casino and in the course the night loses a thousand euro.
He leaves dejected and when he goes outside its pouring rain and there is only one Taxi in the rank so he goes over and asks the driver would he bring him home and when he has money he will pay him. The driver laughs and tells him to go and f*ck himself.
A month later the bloke is back in the casino with another thousand euro and has a great night winning ten thousand euro. At the end of the night he goes outside and the Taxi rank is full of cars so he goes to the first car and asks the driver would he bring him home for three hundred euro and the driver said of course but yer man said there is a catch you will have to suck me off when you take me home. The driver told him to get lost so down he goes along the Taxi rank and gets the same answer from every driver until he sees the driver who left him stranded the last night.
He approaches the Taxi and asks the driver will he bring him home for three hundred euro and the driver says of course jump in. So in he gets and asks the driver for one favour would he drive really slow past the Taxi rank.

...and he gave a big smile and thumbs up to the other cabbies on the way past!!

Nodster

Wuhoo - I'm appearing on Embarressing Bodies next week...one of my balls is bigger than the other two

Clandestine

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.

Capt'n Midnight

Nodster wrote: »

Wuhoo - I'm appearing on Embarressing Bodies next week...one of my balls is bigger than the other two

OMG Nodster is really ET !




The Extra Testical

Mr Tibbs

Two ducks flying over Belfast one duck looks at the other and says quack and the other duck says I'm going as quack as I can.

wobzilla1

rolliepoley wrote: »

What does an elephant use for a tampon?



A sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings

Aglomerado

rolliepoley wrote: »

What does an elephant use for a tampon?


A sheep.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic Sheep!

Did you hear about the elephant that died with a sheep inside it?
It was a case of Toxic Flock Syndrome.

Allyall

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: “Watson, you dík, it means somebody took our tent.”


Enjoying the sun rise, an old man sat on his front porch down in Louisiana. As he glanced up the road, the neighbor's kid walked by carrying something big under his arm.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy returns and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy returns and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy carrying a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "Pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

rolliepoley

Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital.



“Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”


When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and, amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts.


A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accidentprone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.


The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Markwent to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ballabout.


A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”


“I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.” The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated in that plastic bag.”

Mr Tibbs

rolliepoley wrote: »

Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital.



“Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”


When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and, amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts.


A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accidentprone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.


The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Markwent to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ballabout.


A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”


“I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.” The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated in that plastic bag.”

Very very funny Rollie keep em comin.

rolliepoley

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awakened around eight that evening. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.


“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.


“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary, and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep, and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”


The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf again!”

Hitchens

a stunning blonde goes for a medical check up for a new job and the doctor (male) says "take of all your clothes"

she goes behind the screen and strips naked, then she says "doctor, where will I put my clothes?"

he replies "oh just throw them there on top of mine"

branie

This joke might be posted already, but here it goes

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please.
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

Mr Tibbs

A Dublin bloke was down the country visiting his cousins who were farmers. Well his cousin was showing him around the farm and unbeknown to him his cousin from Dublin was a ventriloquist. The Dub taught he would have a bit of fun with his country cousin when he was being shown around the cow shed he went over to a cow and asked him how he was being treated and the cow said not bad but he has very rough hands.
The farmer nearly had a stroke saying he never knew cows could talk. Sure said his cousin all animals can talk you just have to approach them properly. So passing the pig sty he asks a pig how he was being treated and the pig said not bad but the food is always cold. Jasus said the farmer this is unreal. They headed out of the farmyard and walking up a field he saw a flock of sheep. The farmer said to his cousin, now before we go any further I just want to say don't believe a word that comes out of those sheep's mouth's

Hitchens

Q. what's the difference between a plaque and a plique?

A. a plaque hangs on a wall and a plique

hangs on a Chinaman

homemadecider

Hitchens wrote: »

Q. what's the difference between a plaque and a plique?

A. a plaque hangs on a wall and a plique

hangs on a Chinaman

Allyall

homemadecider wrote: »

Took me a second... 'Coz a Chinaman can't pronounce his R's

rolliepoley

Why did God create Adam first?



Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.