The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

keano_afc

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old
lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've
always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he
thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the
road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse
named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the
nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts
up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to
the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters,
when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of
champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and
says,
"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our
lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the
pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so
he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous
sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is
strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being
well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I
am.
But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't
like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please
you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone,
then please scratch off my caste mark."
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans
back and starts laughing his ass off.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've
just won a car!

Frito

A psychic dwarf escaped from Mountjoy in the early hours of the morning.
Gardai are warning people to be wary of a small medium at large.

TheUsual

Slept like a damn baby last night.











Pooped myself 3 times.

ericl

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm , sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV..

The 10pm news came on covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a €20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but handed her €20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news so I knew he'd jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

--Kaiser--

One of my Dad's stalwarts:

A man was going to a formal function and so decides to get himself attired in a fancy new suit so heads over to one of the finest Savile Row tailors. He gets intricately measured for his suit and the tailor tells him to come back in a week to collect.

The man comes back and the tailor proudly presents his new suit. The man tries it on and walks up and down the shop but sometimes not quite right and this is evident to the tailor. The tailor enquires
"Sir, is something the matter with your suit?"
The man replies "Hmmmm, how do I put this....have you ever been to the ballroom in Kensington?"
The tailor, perplexed, replies "But..there's no ballroom in Kensington."
Sayeth the man "And that's what's wrong with this suit!"

Mr Tibbs

Mick from Connemara a joint of a man standing in his bare feat at six foot seven decided to go to London as there was no work anywhere in this country. So he lands in London gets himself fixed up in digs and got a job on a building site mixing cement.
First day on the job he goes into the tool shed and grabs the biggest shovel in there when one of the men warned him to put back Big Huey's shovel or he would really be mad. F*ck Big Huey I fear no man says Mick and out he goes and does the work of two men. That will show these cockney's he thinks.
Tea break comes so Mick heads for the canteen with his new workmates when one of them says to him your some man to work Mick your nearly as good as Big Huey. I couldn't give a f*ck about Big Huey who ever he is says Mick as he goes over and grabs the biggest mug on the table when again one of the men says put back Big Huey's mug or he will kill you when he comes in. That was it Mick lost the head and roared who the f*ck is Big Huey and where does he live I'm going to sort this b*llox out. So the lads told him the address and off Mick goes in a roaring temper. He gets to the house and bangs the door with his fist ready for a fight. This big hairy beast of a man answers the door and with out a word Mick got stuck in to him catching him in a head lock and thumping the face off of him when this little old women runs out of the kitchen and shouting "Get of the baby before Big Huey gets home".

Hitchens

short bunkhouse conversation between two cowboy lovers:

"yup?"


"yep!"

:pac:

admiralofthefleet

Being Irish, I love the summer

its my favourite day of the year

ohmslaw

Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan

Moofster

What do you say to a guy that dips his d*ck in peanut butter?





Are you ****ing nuts!?

rolliepoley

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT sh*t again..."

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT sh*t again..."

Jaysus Liveline.

Mr Tibbs

rolliepoley wrote: »

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT sh*t again..."

Dont worry Rollie we are only here to tell a joke to put a smile on some ones face. Good on ye keep it up I laughted anyway.

corktina

a man goes to a brothel, he knocks on the door and a hatch opens

"what do you want?" asks a suitably sleezy voice

"I want to get screwed" answers our hero

"€100" came the witty reply

So yer man pushes two fifties through the hatch, which slams shut and nothing happens for several minutes...so he knocks again

"What do you want?" asks the ss voice

"I want to get screwed" he responds

"What? AGAIN?"

rolliepoley

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Jaysus Liveline.

Thats a very tall box your standing on..

Micky Dolenz

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Welsh man goes up and asks, have you ever been hugged. Again the mermaid says no so he hugs her.

Irish man rocks up and asks, Ever been fcuked? The mermaid goes a bit red in the face and says no.To which Irish man replies, you are now, the tides gone out.

corktina

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Welsh man goes up and asks, have you ever been hugged. Again the mermaid says no so he hugs her.

Irish man rocks up and asks, Ever been fcuked? The mermaid goes a bit red in the face and says no.To which Irish man replies, you are now, the tides gone out.

what with the Paddy Englishman etc bit? It would be Nigel Englishman, Voitek Irishman, Dai Bach Welshman surely

Micky Dolenz

corktina wrote: »

what with the Paddy Englishman etc bit? It would be Nigel Englishman, Voitek Irishman, Dai Bach Welshman surely

Nope, they are all called Paddy. They met at a Paddy conference for Patricks and have been mates since. They have gotten themselves in to some extraordinary situations.

corktina

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Nope, they are all called Paddy. They met at a Paddy conference for Patricks and have been mates since. They have gotten themselves in to some extraordinary situations.

ah my mistake....:D

Capt'n Midnight

corktina wrote: »

what with the Paddy Englishman etc bit? It would be Nigel Englishman, Voitek Irishman, Dai Bach Welshman surely

St Patrick was an English man kidnapped from Wales ....

corktina

ah yes, that reminds me of my Son's favourite prank on the ferry to Fishguard...just as the ferry nears port he yells" look! Dolphin's" when the fuss dies down and the ferry is listing to starboard with everyone glued to the window he shout " sorry my mistake, not Dolphins...it's Wales!"

rolliepoley

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price. 'On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Mr Tibbs

So any way Mick from Connemara working away contently in London sending money home to mammy and having his few pints every night, what more could a man want. His only problem was the few sandwiches the landlady used to give him for lunch so he moved lodgings to see could he get more to eat. He made it clear to the new landlady that he had a big appetite and to give him plenty of sandwiches for lunch.
When he opens his lunch he's disgusted to see only two cuts of bread and when he gets home he complains to the landlady that he would eat a lot more
The next day there are only six cuts of bread so when he gets back to the digs he rares up on the landlady. She is really pissed off at this stage so when she is making his lunch for the next day she cuts the pan in half and puts a whole side of bacon in it.
When Mick gets home she ask's well how was the lunch big man and Mick says "I see you've gone back to the two slices."

rolliepoley

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Mr Tibbs

Not a joke but a true story related to me by a very witty ex army man. In his own words he was only a dumb lad of nineten when he done his first tour of duty with the UN in the Congo in 1963. When he opened his first pay packet it was fat with notes he taught he was rich. Little did he know the notes were Belgian Franc's which were eight to the pound at the time. So himself and his mates decided to go out on the lash and get a good whore to finish off the night. Well he said when he flashed his cash in front of a whore he said she insulted and complimented him all in the one sentence. " No Paddies big mickie no money."

cruiser178

Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his penis?

He's down to about three butts a day!

Red Kev

^^^

oranbhoy67

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?



A clit round the ear and a flap across the face .

rolliepoley

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"