The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Moofster

What do you say to a guy that dips his d*ck in peanut butter?





Are you ****ing nuts!?

rolliepoley

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT sh*t again..."

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT sh*t again..."

Jaysus Liveline.

Mr Tibbs

rolliepoley wrote: »

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT sh*t again..."

Dont worry Rollie we are only here to tell a joke to put a smile on some ones face. Good on ye keep it up I laughted anyway.

corktina

a man goes to a brothel, he knocks on the door and a hatch opens

"what do you want?" asks a suitably sleezy voice

"I want to get screwed" answers our hero

"€100" came the witty reply

So yer man pushes two fifties through the hatch, which slams shut and nothing happens for several minutes...so he knocks again

"What do you want?" asks the ss voice

"I want to get screwed" he responds

"What? AGAIN?"

rolliepoley

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Jaysus Liveline.

Thats a very tall box your standing on..

Micky Dolenz

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Welsh man goes up and asks, have you ever been hugged. Again the mermaid says no so he hugs her.

Irish man rocks up and asks, Ever been fcuked? The mermaid goes a bit red in the face and says no.To which Irish man replies, you are now, the tides gone out.

corktina

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Welsh man goes up and asks, have you ever been hugged. Again the mermaid says no so he hugs her.

Irish man rocks up and asks, Ever been fcuked? The mermaid goes a bit red in the face and says no.To which Irish man replies, you are now, the tides gone out.

what with the Paddy Englishman etc bit? It would be Nigel Englishman, Voitek Irishman, Dai Bach Welshman surely

Micky Dolenz

corktina wrote: »

what with the Paddy Englishman etc bit? It would be Nigel Englishman, Voitek Irishman, Dai Bach Welshman surely

Nope, they are all called Paddy. They met at a Paddy conference for Patricks and have been mates since. They have gotten themselves in to some extraordinary situations.

corktina

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Nope, they are all called Paddy. They met at a Paddy conference for Patricks and have been mates since. They have gotten themselves in to some extraordinary situations.

ah my mistake....:D

Capt'n Midnight

corktina wrote: »

what with the Paddy Englishman etc bit? It would be Nigel Englishman, Voitek Irishman, Dai Bach Welshman surely

St Patrick was an English man kidnapped from Wales ....

corktina

ah yes, that reminds me of my Son's favourite prank on the ferry to Fishguard...just as the ferry nears port he yells" look! Dolphin's" when the fuss dies down and the ferry is listing to starboard with everyone glued to the window he shout " sorry my mistake, not Dolphins...it's Wales!"

rolliepoley

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price. 'On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Mr Tibbs

So any way Mick from Connemara working away contently in London sending money home to mammy and having his few pints every night, what more could a man want. His only problem was the few sandwiches the landlady used to give him for lunch so he moved lodgings to see could he get more to eat. He made it clear to the new landlady that he had a big appetite and to give him plenty of sandwiches for lunch.
When he opens his lunch he's disgusted to see only two cuts of bread and when he gets home he complains to the landlady that he would eat a lot more
The next day there are only six cuts of bread so when he gets back to the digs he rares up on the landlady. She is really pissed off at this stage so when she is making his lunch for the next day she cuts the pan in half and puts a whole side of bacon in it.
When Mick gets home she ask's well how was the lunch big man and Mick says "I see you've gone back to the two slices."

rolliepoley

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Mr Tibbs

Not a joke but a true story related to me by a very witty ex army man. In his own words he was only a dumb lad of nineten when he done his first tour of duty with the UN in the Congo in 1963. When he opened his first pay packet it was fat with notes he taught he was rich. Little did he know the notes were Belgian Franc's which were eight to the pound at the time. So himself and his mates decided to go out on the lash and get a good whore to finish off the night. Well he said when he flashed his cash in front of a whore he said she insulted and complimented him all in the one sentence. " No Paddies big mickie no money."

cruiser178

Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his penis?

He's down to about three butts a day!

Red Kev

^^^

oranbhoy67

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?



A clit round the ear and a flap across the face .

rolliepoley

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

bmwguy

2 London prostitutes were chatting about the problems they faced in their business. "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" one asked the other. "No" she replied "but I was swung around by the tits once"

rolliepoley

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before.

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.

Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

Mr Benevolent

And these are the best jokes people have heard? Good god.

bmwguy

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

And these are the best jokes people have heard? Good god.

Good contribution. Tell us a joke

Hitchens

two women discussing their medical well being

1st woman - "I've developed the most peculiar condition in the last while, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm"

2nd woman - "are you taking anything for it?"

1st woman -

"yes, ...................................SNUFF"

rolliepoley

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

And these are the best jokes people have heard? Good god.

A man is sitting down to read the paper when he hears a knock on his door. Upon opening the door the man is confronted by a snail on his doorstep. "Good evening," says the snail, "I'm collecting for the snail benevolent fund. Would you care to make a donation?". The snail gets his reply as the man kicks him into the bushes. Ten years later there's another knock at the door. Again, the man finds a snail on his doorstep. "That wasn't very nice!" exclaims the snail.

Mr Tibbs

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

And these are the best jokes people have heard? Good god.

Well go on so share one of your amazing jokes with us we are only here for the laugh afterall.

rolliepoley

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the aroused bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

loremolis

"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of their authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

Capt'n Midnight

#951798 +(388)- [X]
<LocalDescriptorTable> Hey Russia I just met you and this is crazy but our space agency is broke launch our shít maybe?




#950944 +(513)- [X]
<Toba> i like my coffee like i like my women: earthy, french, and on my desk at work
<nightshroud> But be careful or you may end up with burning pain on your lap area.





#949959 +(2719)- [X]
<DevXen> Today I was at the store and saw a Darth Vader action figure that said "Choking Hazard." It was great.






#949797 +(872)- [X]
<@cougem&gt; at 4am this morning i got a call from another hospital saying they were sending in a patient with a hole in their aorta
<@cougem&gt; which as emergencies go is about 1 level below 'his head has fallen off'






#949560 +(1942)- [X]
<lrvick> whoa
<lrvick> i just found a usb magstrip reader
<lrvick> i never knew i had
<lrvick> i wonder if it works like a keyboard...
<lrvick> %B4744740232448132^VICK/LANCE R^1506101000000000087800878000000?;4744740232258132=15061010000000000878?
<lrvick> well
<lrvick> damn
<lrvick> apparently it does
<Science> What did we just read?
<lrvick> no comment
<Science> CC info, gotcha
<ThantiK> lrvick...
<ThantiK> you swiped a VISA...
<ThantiK> 4744 is VISA start code for credit cards.
<ThantiK> A bank of america one, specifically.
<ThantiK> Might wanna change that now, lol - all of us probably have IRC logging turned on. You just threw your debit card info into all of our machines.
<Science> WELL NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IF YOU HADN'T SAID IT MAN




#543730 +(839)- [X]
<JDProject> can someone explain the difference between a hub and a router ?
<ffejtable> one works at layer 2, the other at layer 3+
<LeddyWK> if he's asking the difference, chances are he doesn't know the osi model




#21948 +(157)- [X]
<Frankie> hmm, ive got a sky channel in my room and im watching my dad trying to get porn on it downstairs




#33957 +(311)- [X]
<scout> woohoo! the FORTRAN code works!
* gus blinks
<gus> dude, is it 1977 again and nobody told me ?
<heliOx> lol



#182036 +(830)- [X]
<TeamGato-Mumbo> oh god, my cat is being eaten by racoons
<TeamGato-Mumbo> brb




#73028 +(353)- [X]
<Verchiani> whats a good word to get shaved into the back of your head??
<DeathJester> idiot



#99829 +(376)- [X]
<Sinclair-> i liked the new travel slogan for Gaza
<Sinclair-> "Now only a stone's throw from jerusalem"
<@Death-Blade&gt; lol




#625865 +(1118)- [X]
Jeffrey: Heh, what an ass. My friend Vann just beat me at Chess, and he checkmated me by putting my king in check with a pawn...Then saying PAWNED!!1!