The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

The foreman asked the Irish navvy "What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

Simple says the navvy

Joyce wrote Ulysses, Goethe wrote Faust

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. ", explains the duck.

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.
"How about Iraq?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first:"Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "Sir, I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know s**t?"

Mean person Jokes - adopt as appropriate to Cavan / Scotland etc.


1.
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Coconut?

A: You can get a drink out of a coconut.


2.
Finbar and the lads from Cavan are up in Dublin for the football. Afterwards they go
to Copper Face Jack's for a session and to try to pull some Nurses and Teachers.
Finbar ends up drinking free champagne with a Hen Party from Liverpool.
His luck gets better when the Hen, who is handcuffed to her matron of honour,
whispers in his ear "Come back to our hotel room and be my last fling."

So they jump into the back of a taxi and are heading for the hotel. The two
women start kissing and feeling each other up. Finbar is so turned on he
can hardly keep his eyes on the meter.


3.
Seamus in Virgina's farmhouse was ransacked and all his valuables taken.
The local Guard come over in the squad car and starts the investigation.

"Now Seamus," said the Guard taking out his notebook, "let's start in the sitting room."

"Right you are," says Seamus leading the Guard into the sitting room. "They took the TV,
the DVD player, the video, me camcorder and all me dvds. Everything gone."

"OK," says the Guard writing it all down. "We'll do the bedroom next"

So they go up to the bedroom. Seamus says "They took me clothes, the wife's clothes,
her jewellry, all me money I had under the mattress, everything gone.

"Right," says the Guard "we'll finish in the kitchen"

So they go down to the kitchen, Seamus outlines the damage once more:
"They took the cooker, the microwave, the food mixer,
the wee telly in the corner everything gone."

"Grand," says the Guard, "is there anything else you can tell me?"

"There is Guard" says Seamus, getting visibly upset.
"I had a grand big pot of stew on the cooker. They left it behind them,
but one of the dirty bast*rds took a sh*te in it, and I had to throw the half of it out."


4.
I heard a story about Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones. Apparently he's really
mean. Anyway, a few years ago, their manager was being interviewed for some
music magazine.

After the interview was over, the journalist turns off his tape recorder and says
"Listen, I have to ask about this thing I heard. Apparently Mick Jagger was out
last month with a large group of friends for dinner in a swanky London restaurant.
There were more than 20 people in the party, ordering tons of stuff and having a
great night. When it was over, Mick paid the bill, and left a £1 tip. Is this true?"

The manager turns and says "I was there that night and no, that's not true.
Mick Jagger would never leave that kind of money lying around."