The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

onionhead

I've started a band called 1000 megabytes.......we've yet to get a gig.

I'l get my coat

rolliepoley

Teacher "How did you know your cat was dead, Johny ?"
Johnny "He did not move when I pissed in his ear."
Teacher "You WHAT ?"
Johnny " You know miss, I leant over and went 'Psst' in his ear."

Lawless2k12

LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES

A teacher asks her class if anyone could put the word "Contagious" in a sentence for her.

Mary at the front says "My Daddy had a cold and my Mammy said it's contagious"

Teacher: "Very good Mary! Anyone else?"

Steven: "My brother said yawning is contagious"

Teacher: "Well I suppose you're right. Well done. Any others?"

Little Johnny puts his hand up and the teacher picks him next.

Johnny: "My Mammy was out painting the house the other day and my Daddy said she was stupid for painting the house with a two inch brush because it would take the cuntages..."

Duiske

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in many years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a deep gash on his forehead, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.














Apparently she stood him up.

.

chughes

Cliff Richard had just done a successful tour of Japan and his final Japanese gig was in Tokyo.

The final concert was going really well so as a sign of appreciation Cliff asked the audience if there was any song they would like him to sing.

As one they all shouted back "ITCHY FANNY, ITCHY FANNY...."

Cliff was a bit shocked by this request but kept his composure. "It's not a song I know and I don't usually sing about things like that", he said.

But the crowd insisted, "ITCHY FANNY, ITCHY FANNY..." they cried.

Cliff was a bit dubious but out of respect for his audience he thought he better accede to their wish.

"OK" he said, "you'll have to help me, how does it go?".

And the crowd sang "ITCHY FANNY how we don't talk anymore....."

wesleysniper38

Forgive me if this one was told before:


Doctor Doctor, I cant pronounce my F's or my T's.




Well you can't say fairer than that.

Love2love

Said by my 5 year old cousin with a stammer:

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots??

Here Precious2

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?




.....Orange you glad you got rid of that banana.

wexie

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roars towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?".
The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young man.

"Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.....

Now give me back my dog.

RayCon

Not the best joke Ive ever heard ..... but anyway ...

wellboy76

What does a Polish man give his new bride that is long and hard?

His surname

Allyall

What sits at the bottom of the sea and throws things?











A Lobster.

Capt'n Midnight

Why is the sand wet ?

Because the seaweed.

ricero

Stevie wonder got a cheese grater for xmas. Heard it was the best book he ever read;-)

hefferboi

ricero wrote: »

Stevie wonder got a cheese grater for xmas. Heard it was the best book he ever read;-)

Very violent though.

Doctor doctor,
there's a steering wheel in my pants!

Whats it doing there?

Its driving me nuts!

fred funk }{

When asked in the 80's if he would ever play a concert in Dublin, Stevie Wonder said he wouldn't because he couldn't see The Point.

chughes

fred funk }{ wrote: »

When asked in the 80's if he would ever play a concert in Dublin, Stevie Wonder said he wouldn't because he couldn't see The Point.

For once in my life I actually get a Stevie Wonder joke.

Allyall

chughes wrote: »

For once in my life I actually get a Stevie Wonder joke.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vxVyaYuGYE

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

A man lost his dog, so he put an ad in the paper. And the ad said, “Here, boy!”

rolliepoley

Doctor: And when did you first notice that you were suffering from acute diarrhea.

Patient: It was yesterday, when I was removing my bicycle clips.

Someone once asked me, what is your job?"

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple.. my wife has told me that when she wants my fúcking advice, she'll ask me for it. !!

What Religion is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

But they forgot the German bra.
The Holtzemfromfloppen

rolliepoley

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £50 an hour.'

'..ist gut, but I must vorn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vish zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the whole experience fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

….Four-sprung duck technique’

Aphex

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

It's impossible to gargle sand.

Aphex

Double post

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

rolliepoley

A woman walks into the rooftop bar of an hotel.

She takes a stool next to the only other occupant, a man sipping a beer.

"What are you drinking?" she asks him.

"Magic beer." he says.

"Magic beer? Why is it magic?" she asks.

"I'll show you." says the man, getting up and walking to the edge of the roof. He leaps off and flies around the building before alighting on his seat.

"Wow! Let me have a pint of what he's drinking!" says the woman to the barkeep.

She downs the pint, walks to the edge of the roof, leaps off and plunges 25 floors to a messy death on the pavement below.

"Superman, you're such a bastard when you're drunk!" says the barkeep...

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,


"Okay, Okay!!!





I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

New Treatment For Sunburn



A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.


He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.


With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,

the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.


The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?


The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

rolliepoley

I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes: The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is… and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”…. I saw another waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat, what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing… why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!