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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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    #2732
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Two cannibals are eating Chuck Norris.

    "I thought he'd be a lot tougher." Says one to the other.


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    #2733
    zztop
    Registered Users Posts: 387 ✭✭zztop


    Bertie Ahearn has been seen down in Glenamoy in Mayo..

    He was looking for a dig out..


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    #2734
    Anyone
    Registered Users Posts: 3,376 ✭✭✭Anyone


    Fifty shades of pink (for men): She woke me up with a bacon and egg sandwich, the bacon was crispy and the yolk and butter oozed out of the thick cut bread, when i'd finished she removed her night dress, she was in a dirty mood, we did everything, she didn't complain and whether or not she enjoyed it she didn't play the guilt card, we finished and she left the room without talking so I could get my well earned sleep.

    The End


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    #2735
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,493 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Anyone wrote: »
    Fifty shades of pink (for men): She woke me up with a bacon and egg sandwich, the bacon was crispy and the yolk and butter oozed out of the thick cut bread, when i'd finished she removed her night dress, she was in a dirty mood, we did everything, she didn't complain and whether or not she enjoyed it she didn't play the guilt card, we finished and she left the room without talking so I could get my well earned sleep.

    The End

    Now merged with Oliver Twist --

    "More, more, you want more?"


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    #2736
    J Cheever Loophole
    Registered Users Posts: 967 ✭✭✭J Cheever Loophole


    Any fellow Nordies about? :p

    British athlete Mo Farrah said that if he won Olympic Gold he will parade around the Olympic Stadium wearing a golden sash. He will then sell it on eBay to raise funds for charity.

    The eBay auction will be "The Sash Mo Farrah wore".


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    #2737
    mauzo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,033 ✭✭✭mauzo


    J Cheever Loophole wrote: »
    Any fellow Nordies about? :p

    British athlete Mo Farrah said that if he won Olympic Gold he will parade around the Olympic Stadium wearing a golden sash. He will then sell it on eBay to raise funds for charity.

    The eBay auction will be "The Sash Mo Farrah wore".

    I don't get that. I've said it so many times and I'm getting nowhere


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    #2738
    fasttalkerchat
    Registered Users Posts: 5,652 ✭✭✭fasttalkerchat


    syndeyfife wrote: »
    I don't get that. I've said it so many times and I'm getting nowhere

    Them lot sing a song with the words "the sash my father wore".


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    #2739
    J Cheever Loophole
    Registered Users Posts: 967 ✭✭✭J Cheever Loophole


    syndeyfife wrote: »
    I don't get that. I've said it so many times and I'm getting nowhere

    What do you mean "so many times"?

    I've only just posted it!! :)


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    #2740
    fasttalkerchat
    Registered Users Posts: 5,652 ✭✭✭fasttalkerchat


    J Cheever Loophole wrote: »
    Any fellow Nordies about? :p

    On the BBC they were saying that X athlete was devastated about not winning a medal for Northern Ireland. They later edited it. Seems to be even in GB they think that the North isn't in team GB. If I was a unionist I would be outraged! :D


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    #2741
    Crimbouser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 91 ✭✭Crimbouser


    Share your problem op. Can only tell anecdotal jokes. Remember hearing sarah millican dryly saying that nigella lawson was like a sexy badger the way she comes out at the end of her show to raid the fridge. The way she told it, i spluttered out my sambo. It's not just about the joke for me, it's the delivery.


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    #2742
    Kev_2012
    Closed Accounts Posts: 976 ✭✭✭Kev_2012


    Cazorla signs for Arsenal. Wonder if there's a Santi clause in his contract?


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    #2743
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,493 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Kev_2012 wrote: »
    Cazorla signs for Arsenal. Wonder if there's a Santi clause in his contract?

    He was a gift at the price too.


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    #2744
    chughes
    Registered Users Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    Q. What English actress used to be able to unfreeze groups of frozen cows?

    A. Thora Hird


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    #2745
    castletownman
    Registered Users Posts: 11,026 ✭✭✭✭castletownman


    A 70 year old man goes to his local GP with erectile dysfunction.

    "When I was 20, whenever I got hard I wouldn't be able to bend my mickey any direction no matter how hard I tried" he says.

    "Yeah that's right" replies the doctor.

    "When I was 40, whenever I played with myself I could bend it a bit".

    "That's common for that age" says the doctor.

    "Now I can bend it any direction no problem", the old man said.

    "What's your question then sir"

    "Just how f@cking stronger am I going to get then doctor?"


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    #2746
    castletownman
    Registered Users Posts: 11,026 ✭✭✭✭castletownman


    double post


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    #2747
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users Posts: 8,321 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    castletownman wrote: »
    A 70 year old man goes to his local GP with erectile dysfunction.

    "When I was 20, whenever I got hard I wouldn't be able to bend my mickey any direction no matter how hard I tried" he says.

    "Yeah that's right" replies the doctor.

    "When I was 40, whenever I played with myself I could bend it a bit".

    "That's common for that age" says the doctor.

    "Now I can bend it any direction no problem", the old man said.

    "What's your question then sir"

    "Just how f@cking stronger am I going to get then doctor?"

    It was funnier the first time! ;)


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    #2748
    Prometheus
    Registered Users Posts: 85 ✭✭Prometheus


    What used to come in a yellow box?

    John Lennon!

    I,ll see myself out!


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    #2749
    podgemonster
    Registered Users Posts: 2,228 ✭✭✭podgemonster


    An Irishman is on the lash in New York City. After a nice pub crawl he tries to get into a NightClub but is refused by the bouncers. The Irish guy begs for the bouncer to let him in.

    Amused the bouncer (who is a part time magician) said "Lets make a deal, I will perform a magic trick and if it doesnt work, you can go in"
    "Right, what is it then?" asked the Paddy
    The bouncer pulls out a heavy bright pink brick. "I will hold this brick out in the palm of my hand, and I will count from 1 to 10, when i get to 10 the brick will shoot up into the air"
    The Irishman laughs "ha, thats impossible, no way you can do that"

    The bouncer starts counting "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-TEN!!!

    The brick shoots up into the air and disappears.


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    #2750
    dublinman1990
    Registered Users Posts: 8,301 ✭✭✭dublinman1990


    One day, an Irish woman goes into a cooking class in school. The subject of the day was foreign food.

    She goes over into a press nearby her desk and takes out a number of cookery books. She was to do this as part of a cookery task.

    She stumbled upon a recipe in an Indian cookbook for a "Mango Milkshake".

    She than asks a funny question to her classmate in complete disbelief.

    Here what it is this called, A Mongo Milkshake?


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    #2751
    brummytom
    Registered Users Posts: 10,572 ✭✭✭✭brummytom


    My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

    She nearly took my fucking eye out.


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    #2752
    podgemonster
    Registered Users Posts: 2,228 ✭✭✭podgemonster


    Seáns best friend in the world is his pet duck, Duckie. They spend everyday together, paddling etc... One day, Sean's Dad announced that he has got a job in America and the family are moving.

    The family have fierce trouble with Duckie and emmigration. As they could not take him, the family decide, Duckie would have to be left behind. The airport is very sad. Tears everywhere, not sure if a Duck can cry now but he was crying on the inside.

    Sean waves out at Duckie from the airplane as it taxis along the runway. Duckie then realises that "feic it, im a duck" and start flapping his wings and flys next to the wing of the plane. Sean looks out the window and goes "Oh my god, its Duckie". The whole family cant believe it as they ascend into the air. For the rest of the flight the whole plane are looking out the window at Duckie, everyone cheering him on. The captain announces everyone to see this amazing duck. Everyone is looking out the left wing, inspired by this brave duck and his love for Sean.

    Now only a few minutes from JKF airport New York, Sean notices Duckie is starting to tire, so he goes "Come on Duckie", the whole crowd start cheering. Duckies gets a new burst of life.
    Just then a bright pink brick shoots up into the air and kills Duckie.


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    #2753
    3ndahalfof6
    Registered Users Posts: 5,184 ✭✭✭3ndahalfof6


    whats red and sits in the corner, a baby chewing glass,

    whats green and sits in the corner the baby six months later.


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    #2754
    barone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,224 ✭✭✭barone


    So Lance and Neil have had a bad week.

    Let's hope their brother Stretch emerges from this tough time unscathed


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    #2755
    barone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,224 ✭✭✭barone


    ...


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    #2756
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've finally achieved my ambition of winning the Tour de France as many times as Lance Armstrong.


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    #2757
    splendid101
    Registered Users Posts: 655 ✭✭✭splendid101


    podgemonster wrote: »
    An Irishman is on the lash in New York City. After a nice pub crawl he tries to get into a NightClub but is refused by the bouncers. The Irish guy begs for the bouncer to let him in.

    Amused the bouncer (who is a part time magician) said "Lets make a deal, I will perform a magic trick and if it doesnt work, you can go in"
    "Right, what is it then?" asked the Paddy
    The bouncer pulls out a heavy bright pink brick. "I will hold this brick out in the palm of my hand, and I will count from 1 to 10, when i get to 10 the brick will shoot up into the air"
    The Irishman laughs "ha, thats impossible, no way you can do that"

    The bouncer starts counting "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-TEN!!!

    The brick shoots up into the air and disappears.

    Excuse me, what the f*ck are you talking about?


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    #2758
    mauzo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,033 ✭✭✭mauzo


    splendid101 wrote: »
    Excuse me, what the f*ck are you talking about?

    Dont tell me you dont get it!??? :eek:


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    #2759
    beertons
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 23,061 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    Look at the duck joke a few posts up!


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    #2760
    Savage Tyrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭Savage Tyrant


    How will Neil Armstrong's coffin be carried?

    Small steps, four men.    


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    #2761
    roy rodgers
    Registered Users Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭roy rodgers


    Did ya hear about the fellow that had no legs???!!

    He was arse-ing around!!!


This discussion has been closed.
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