The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

--Kaiser--

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. :D

There are two types of people in this world, those who can exrapolate from incomplete datasets

Stiffler2

What's the smallest book in the world ?
Womens book of rights

Why do women have a window in the kitchen
to give them a point of view

Why do women have legs
have you seen the mess a slug makes ?

What do you call a girl standing in a tennis court
Annette

What do you call a girl standing in between 2 house's
Elaine

What's the difference between an apple and an orange
you can't have an apple ba$tard

What do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in the bath ?
throw in your washing


Man walks into a bar, barman offers him a fruit which can taste like anything he wants
Man doesn't believe this, he says ok, give me an apple which tastes like a banana, barman hands him the apple, he takes a bite, wow that tastes like a banana. okay he says, give me an apple which tastes like pussy.
barman hands him the apple, he takes a bite
ugghhh, that taste's like $hit
barman says turn the apple around.

pappyodaniel

What do you call a single Jazz musician?





Homeless.

bijapos

MacAngus was over from Scotland visiting his Irish cousin, O'Brien in Connemara. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

"What are ye doing?" asked O'Brien.

"Fishin'," said MacAngus.

"Caught anything?"

"Ach, nae a bite,"

"What are ye usin' fer bait?"

"Worms"

"Let me see it," said O'Brien.

MacAngus lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Brien took out his flask of best Connemara potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAngus, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Brien.

"No!" shouted MacAngus, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the fcuking throat!"

sgb

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

I love the Irish summer, it reminds me of when I first met my wife.

Warm and moist?

wilser

sgb wrote: »

Warm and moist?

Wet and windy?

crazy cabbage

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world, those who can exrapolate from incomplete datasets

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who dont :cool:

Canard

There are 10 types of people. Those who read threads and those who don't. :cool:

tayto lover

What do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in the bath ?
throw in your washing


I was telling that joke in the pub one night when a lad tapped me on the shoulder and said he didn't think it was funny at all. He said that his brother had an epileptic fit in the bath and died.
I said that I was sorry to hear that and that my joke was probably in bad taste. I apologised and asked if his brother has drowned.
The chap said "NO, he choked on a sock".

Muckit

2 nuns are walking in a park when a guy jumps out from behind a tree and flashes them.

One faints, the other has a stroke.

chughes

A guy was walking through the Olympic village and he sees an athlete carrying a long pole.

"Are you a pole vaulter?" asks the guy.

Says the athlete "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name?".

giles lynchwood

How did they know Lord Mountbatten had dandruff.?













They found his Head and Shoulder's on the beach.

fasttalkerchat

giles lynchwood wrote: »

How did they know Lord Mountbatten had dandruff.?
They found his Head and Shoulder's on the beach.

What's white and flies across the Irish sea?





Lord mountbattens plimsols.

lorrieq

This girl told me that she wouldn't sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth.If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.

Sitec

I called around to my new girlfriend's place last night with a big bunch of flowers for her. She opened the door, saw the flowers, and dragged me inside. She laid back on the couch, pulled her skirt up, ripped her knickers off and said, "This is for the flowers."
"Don't be silly', I replied, 'You must have a vase somewhere!"

Sitec

double post

J Cheever Loophole

Three PSNI Officers were injured today when their land rover crashed into a tree.

The Real IRA said they planted it.

chughes

Q. If H2O is the chemical formula for water, what is the chemical formula for holy water?

A. H2OMG

Patri

Just came up with this one in my head and had a good laugh to myself before I realised I looked a bit mentally unsound anywhoo... it's probably been done but play nice!

Just watched that show everyone's been going on about lately "Eleven out of Ten".....thought it was a bit overrated myself
















:pac:

fasttalkerchat

Patri wrote: »

Just came up with this one in my head and had a good laugh to myself before I realised I looked a bit mentally unsound anywhoo... it's probably been done but play nice!

Just watched that show everyone's been going on about lately "Eleven out of Ten".....thought it was a bit overrated myself




:pac:

What?

mauzo

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Patri

fasttalkerchat wrote: »

What?

11 out of ten and overrated and...the joke...with the irony and the...tough crowd

policarp

An English man won the Tour de France for the first time in many years, but he can't be given his medal for at least two weeks.












He's doing his lap of honour. . .

locum-motion

There are 10 types of people in the world:

1. Those who understand Ternary.
2. Those who don't.
10. Those who mix it up with Binary.

chughes wrote: »

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary and those that don't.

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world.

Those who understand ternary , and those who don't

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. :D

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world, those who can exrapolate from incomplete datasets

crazy cabbage wrote: »

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who dont :cool:

Patchy~ wrote: »

There are 10 types of people. Those who read threads and those who don't. :cool:

MetalDog

A sheep shagger is out having a driving lesson.

The instructor asks "Have you ever made a U - turn before?"

"Turn?" He says, "Bejasus I can make the eyes roll in their head!"

Latchy

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Clegg and Mr. Osborne was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!'

Ledger

Latchy wrote: »

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Clegg and Mr. Osborne was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!'

No.

Shane St.

policarp wrote: »

An English man won the Tour de France for the first time in many years, but he can't be given his medal for at least two weeks.












He's doing his lap of honour. . .

Excuse my ignorance but what is the joke here.... been trying to figure it out for about 30mins

tayto lover

Shane St. wrote: »

Excuse my ignorance but what is the joke here.... been trying to figure it out for about 30mins

He means a lap of honour of the whole Tour de France course i.e. two weeks.
Hope he's not as slow as you or it might be three weeks

Seaneh

Shane St. wrote: »

Excuse my ignorance but what is the joke here.... been trying to figure it out for about 30mins

The tour is two weeks long... that's how long the lap would take... c'mon man.

Either way, it's not funny.