The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

zztop

40 knacks showed up at the pearly gates, asking for admission. St. Peter had never seen 40 knacks at the same time, and didn't know quite what to do. "Wait here," he said, "I have to go consult." He hurried to the Throne. "Lord," he said, "There are 40 knacks standing at the pearly gates. What do I do?" God said, "True, it is an unusual situation. But just give them the standard morality test, and admit the five highest scores." St. Peter headed back to his post. A minute later, he came running back to the Throne. "They're gone! They're gone!" he shouted. "Do you mean to say all 40 of them just up and left?" God asked. "No, no!" said Peter. "It's the pearly gates! They're gone! They're gone

Savage Tyrant

The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.

Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers.

J Cheever Loophole

What's the similarity between Cootehill and an eight month pregnant woman?

They're both near Cavan.

chughes

I had a really happy childhood.

When i was young my grandmother used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.

They were goodyears.

Culleeo

First there was Empires run by Emperors. Then there was Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have Countries...

christmas2012

chuck norris kicked everyones ass with his little finger

Drafty122

Whats the difference between..

MOD EDIT << SNIP >>


Drafty, no more jokes of that nature.

Juwwi

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting "paedo" "paedo" and other bad names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Cicero

Two cows in a field.
One cow turns to the other and says" so, what you think of this mad cow disease anyway?"

Other cow replies: "doesn't bother me, sher I'm a horse".

Paully D

Not the best but anyway:

I was watching Andy Murray with my lass as he was making his emotional post-match speech.

She says to me tearfully; "Why can't you be more like HIM?"

"What?" I said, "you mean be more sensitive and cry more?"

"No" she said. "Come second''

TheKeenMachine

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day when his teacher says "OK class, I'm going to give you some quotes. If you tell me who said them, you can have the rest of the day off."
The whole class began to pay attention and the teacher began by saying "Who said "I have a dream"?"
Little Johnny put his hand up but before the teacher could pick him, the girl on Johnny's right shouted "Martin Luther King!".
"Well done, Mary," said the teacher "You can go home now"
Once Mary had left, the teacher asked the class "Who said "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"?"
Again Little Johnny put his hand up, but before he could say anything, a girl at the back of the class shouted "JFK!".
"Well done Claire," said the teacher, "You can go home now"
When Claire had gone, the teacher turned her back to the class and said "Ok, game's over".
Frustrated, Little Johnny yelled at the top of his voice "I WISH THOSE F*CKING BITCHES HAD KEPT THEIR MOUTHS SHUT!"
The teacher turned around, shocked. "Who said that?" she demanded
Little Johnny said "Tiger Woods, goodbye!"

MajorThom

Paddy, an old aged farmer from Ireland was visiting his brother in New York a few years ago.

On one evening during a heavy downpour, he was standing on a street corner waiting for the lights to change so he could cross the road. A big burly man stood beside him, ghetto blaster on his shoulder blaring out some old school hip-hop.

He turned to Paddy and asked, "yo brutha, do you dig the beat?"

Paddy looked at him with bemusement and replied "christ no boy, are you mad? You couldn't dig beet in this weather".

Laika1986

How do you start a Space Party?

You Planet

Capt'n Midnight

What do you do if you find a space man ?



Ya park man .

timothybryce

Took my first yoke donkey's years ago and felt nothing, everyone else was "buzzing" so i took another one, hour later still felt nothing.

Went home and the minute I got into my room it kicked in, apparently this happens a lot.

Blondini

Two intellectuals chatting at a nudist beach.

One says to the other "Have you read Marx?"

The other replies "Yeah I think it's these plastic sunloungers"

casio4

timothybryce wrote: »

Took my first yoke donkey's years ago and felt nothing, everyone else was "buzzing" so i took another one, hour later still felt nothing.

Went home and the minute I got into my room it kicked in, apparently this happens a lot.

admiralofthefleet

Blondini wrote: »

Two intellectuals chatting at a nudist beach.

One says to the other "Have you read Marx?"

The other replies "Yeah I think it's these plastic sunloungers"

2 nuns cycling down a cobbled street

one says to the other 'ive never come this way before'

the other replies 'must be the cobbles'

staker

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

2 nuns cycling down a cobbled street

one says to the other 'ive never come this way before'

the other replies 'must be the cobbles'

Two nuns in a bath

one says to the other "where's the soap?"

the other goes "does,doesn't it?"

admiralofthefleet

staker wrote: »

Two nuns in a bath

one says to the other "where's the soap?"

the other goes "does,doesn't it?"

what time do nuns go to bed? lights out at 11, candles out at 12....

zimmermania

A wedding lnvlves 3 rings An engagement ring a wedding ring and then the suffering.

mauzo

staker wrote: »

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

2 nuns cycling down a cobbled street

one says to the other 'ive never come this way before'

the other replies 'must be the cobbles'

Two nuns in a bath

one says to the other "where's the soap?"

the other goes "does,doesn't it?"

I don't get the soap one?

Never mind. Duh

kfallon

syndeyfife wrote: »

I don't get the soap one?

Wear as opposed to where

"Wears away"

Osmosis Jones

whats sad about 4 black men driving off a cliff in a Cadillac?

they were my friends

Why did Billy drop his ice cream?

he was hit by a bus

mauzo

Old but I always laugh

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

she gagged

mauzo

Little Johnny comes home from school and tells his mum his friend Jack showed him his penis. 'Its like a peanut' he said.
'Is it really that small??' she asked...

He replied, no its salty

Brian_Zeluz

What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics while the other has a high bollix

Curly Judge

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME..
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ...
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER!
'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED.....

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

mauzo

What's 6 inches long and starts with a P?








A shìte

BUBBLE WRAP

I dont get it.

Im serious.