The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I've got Alzheimers
Cheese on toast

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.:D

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together," said Fabrice.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old woman hasn't?




A navel. . .

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Dear Deirdre,

I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out.

I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word.

Is she a pervert?

Two antennas met on a roof,fell in love and got married. The ceremony was'nt much but the reception was amazing.:p

I was walking around town when I felt a sudden urge for a sh1t. There were no public toilets nearby, so I dived into a restaurant and dropped my load in there.

I got a few dirty looks as I made my way back out. Maybe it was because I wasn't a paying customer.

Or maybe it was because of the steaming turd I'd left in Table Four's wine bucket.

My wife's sister knocked me out last week :-( 
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers in the wash basket ? 

So I was playing chess the other day.

I beat my wife.

Then I went back to playing chess.

A priest came to his new parish on Tuesday and his first duty was to hear confessions. The first man to come in had the usual sins, swearing, impure thoughts, downloading songs newsgroups etc. His last sin however was that he had been "with" Fanny Greene. The priest asked was Fanny Greene his wife, to which he replied no. The priest gave him a fairly hefty pennence and sent him on his way. This is how the day continued, with every second or third man having been "with" Fanny Greene.

The following Sunday, at the beginning of mass, the priest was standing down at the front of the alter introducing himself to his new congregation when the front door of the church flew open. Standing there was the most glorious looking woman the priest had ever seen. She was just under 6 foot tall, with a stunning figure and dressed from head to toe in green. She wore a green hat, very tight low-cut green top. A green skirt that was so short it was barely more than a belt. She also wore the sexiest green leather boots that went higher that the priest cared to look.

As she proceeded to walk up to the front of the church, the priest was left speechless, stopped in mid-sentence. All the men were muttering uncomfortably, while the women hissed and looked at this stunning lady with daggers!

She sat in the front seat directly in front of the priest, so he turned to the alter boy and asked, "Jimmy, is that Fanny Greene?"

"Aah, I don't thing so Father, I'd say it's just a reflection off her boots"