The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

07734

johnnysmack wrote: »

Whats up your ass?


Sorry couldn't resist.

We all need to get behind each other to end this type of thing!

policarp

Paddy takes a big bite out of his sandwich and spits it out almost immediately because it tastes vile and burns the gob off him.
"Jebus Cripes Mary, what's in the sambo?"
"Crab paste Paddy, I thought you liked it."
"I do," he says "but where did you get it."
"In the chemists," she says "It was on special offer."

FanadMan

Daniel S wrote: »

That's supposed to be an engineer vs a mathamatician :pac:

I heard it as Yank v Paddy

dublinman1990

One night; My Uncle, Mother and I were watching a ITV news report on UFO's.

The report appeared on the 'And Finally' report slot. It said that one UFO was spotted over some motorway in the UK. We all know that UFO's stand for Unidentified Flying Objects. However as soon as the report was over with the news wrapping up; My Uncle had given this response to it.

Uncle: UFO's? Sure, I would call them UFA's.

Me: UFA's?

Uncle: Yeah,

UNIDENTIFIED FLYING ARSEHOLES!

duiggers

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice!

StupidLikeAFox

07734 wrote: »

Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys.

johnnysmack wrote: »

Whats up your ass?

07734 wrote: »

We all need to get behind each other to end this type of thing!

I wasnt going to get involved in your witty banter, butt fuck it

Juwwi

So I was bollock naked, masturbating, looking out the bedroom window at my neighbour's 15yo daughter sunbathing.

My dad came in and just stared at me for ages. He just kept looking at me as I pulled myself off.

Do you think he's a pervert?

pmcb

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians F**king Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I F**ked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his d**k and balls were hanging out.


One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your d**k and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

rusty_racer94

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you ****ing pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

podgemonster

All black people carry Ghetto-blasters with them on their Shoulders

It's not racist, it's just a stereotype!

FanadMan

podgemonster wrote: »

All black people carry Ghetto-blasters with them on their Shoulders

It's not racist, it's just a stereotype!

If I had a really big lump of cheese, I would throw it at you right now for that........

......and it's still making me laugh a few mins after reading it

bnt

Another elephant joke:
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a goose.

JessicaRabbit

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

JessicaRabbit

bnt wrote: »

Another elephant joke:
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a goose.

Ha ha ha

J Cheever Loophole

With apologies if mentioned here already.


Hear about the fella went into the doctor complaining that he felt like a jelly baby?

Doctor ate the face off him!!

pebbles21

What's the useless skin around a vagina called?








A Woman!

policarp

pebbles21 wrote: »

What's the useless skin around a vagina called?








A Woman!

Could be foreskin too. . .

admiralofthefleet

My sisters just had a child with her black boyfriend

Well Ill be a monkey's uncle...

Mod: User Banned

Cognitive Cascade

What do you call a black man flying a plane?





















A pilot you racist bastard.

policarp

Having sex is like playing bridge,

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. . .

conor360

ARE YOU WELL? NO YOUR NOT A WELL YOUR A PERSON.

pappyodaniel

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

My sisters just had a child with her black boyfriend

Well Ill be a monkey's uncle...

Mod: User Banned

AOTF? Did you really post that?

JessicaRabbit

conor360 wrote: »

ARE YOU WELL? NO YOUR NOT A WELL YOUR A PERSON.

BGT?? I can't remember that guy's name but think it's probably a good thing he didn't get to the final!! :)

casio4

JessicaRabbit wrote: »

BGT?? I can't remember that guy's name but think it's probably a good thing he didn't get to the final!! :)

J Cheever Loophole

I seem to recall BBC Radio 2 reporting on a survey of the best jokes ever, and this is what was considered the best ever joke;


Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack. The other called 999. Someone answered, and he said, "You've gotta come help me. The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack. I think he's dead."


The person said, "Well, you've gotta make sure that he is dead."
So the hunter said, "Okay." Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.

The hunter got back on the phone and said "Okay, now what?"

Ghandee

Just found out my mate down here committed suicide by taking an overdose.

He swallowed 76 indigestion tablets.


I can't believe it, Gav is gone :mad:

Ghandee

Been trying all morning to book tickets on an automated ticket line to see an Elvis tribute show in Dublin.

I think the machines broke though, it just keeps telling me to:

Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show............

kincsem

Why do women like Jewish men?

They can't resist 10% off

Kolido

Appologies if this is a repeat.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None, it should be opened when she hands it to you

run_Forrest_run

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking during sex?
Use more lube.