The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Ghandee

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?




Answer:

A carrot..... doh?

ringadingding

My wife's sister knocked me out last week :-( 
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers in the wash basket ? 

METS 1B

fenris wrote: »

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic

What do you call an epileptic in a wheelchair?

A Transformer

AnamGlas

So I was playing chess the other day.

I beat my wife.

Then I went back to playing chess.

HenryChinaski

cambo2008 wrote: »

Who made you the boss of the thread and all that's allowed in it??

Too right. F*ck that dude. I hate obnoxious condescending pricks. I thought the joke was okay.

Comer1

A priest came to his new parish on Tuesday and his first duty was to hear confessions. The first man to come in had the usual sins, swearing, impure thoughts, downloading songs newsgroups etc. His last sin however was that he had been "with" Fanny Greene. The priest asked was Fanny Greene his wife, to which he replied no. The priest gave him a fairly hefty pennence and sent him on his way. This is how the day continued, with every second or third man having been "with" Fanny Greene.

The following Sunday, at the beginning of mass, the priest was standing down at the front of the alter introducing himself to his new congregation when the front door of the church flew open. Standing there was the most glorious looking woman the priest had ever seen. She was just under 6 foot tall, with a stunning figure and dressed from head to toe in green. She wore a green hat, very tight low-cut green top. A green skirt that was so short it was barely more than a belt. She also wore the sexiest green leather boots that went higher that the priest cared to look.

As she proceeded to walk up to the front of the church, the priest was left speechless, stopped in mid-sentence. All the men were muttering uncomfortably, while the women hissed and looked at this stunning lady with daggers!

She sat in the front seat directly in front of the priest, so he turned to the alter boy and asked, "Jimmy, is that Fanny Greene?"

"Aah, I don't thing so Father, I'd say it's just a reflection off her boots"

ardinn

Steven81 wrote: »

And that is the best joke you have ever heard how?. Stay with topic and not topics like above

wtf?? Go sh1te.

efb

An Irishman walks out of a bar

Born to Die

Ghandee wrote: »

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?




Answer:

Keith

FYP

policarp

Marriage is a three ring circus.

Engagement ring.

Wedding ring.

Suffering. . .

policarp

Our last fight was my fault.
She asked, "what's on TV.?"
I said "dust". . .

Omackeral

What's red and invisible....






.... No Tomatoes

Evie90

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."


On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged


Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Omackeral

Omackeral wrote: »

What's red and invisible....






.... No Tomatoes

You stole that brom Beano! Bash Street Kids as I recall.

Awesomeness

My last girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was a compulsive liar.

I think she just couldnt handle my 16 inch penis

Awesomeness

What does a wife and a condom have in common

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your d1ck

General Relativity

A man walks into a bar....


... his alcoholism is destroying his family.

Wesc.

A very wise man and a stupid man decided to play a game in which they would ask each other questions. For every question the wise man would answer correctly, the stupid man would have to give him 1 dollar. But for every question the stupid man answered correctly, the wise man had to give him 100 dollars.
So the wise man begun firing away a few questions and , of course, obtained a good few dollars so he decided to let the stupid man ask him a question. The stupid man asked him:

"What is orange, has 8 legs and can fly?"

The wise man, quite embarrassed, admitted he didn't know the answer and gave the wise man 100 dollars.

"So what was the answer anyway?" the wise man asked.

"I don't know, here's a dollar", the stupid man replied.

Lenn Brennan

How do you stop an elephant from chasing you on a bike?

Take the bike off him

MetalDog

Whats the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones sing "Hey you, get off my cloud".

A Scotsman says "Hey MacLeod get off my ewe".

Daniel S

Wesc. wrote: »

A very wise man and a stupid man decided to play a game in which they would ask each other questions. For every question the wise man would answer correctly, the stupid man would have to give him 1 dollar. But for every question the stupid man answered correctly, the wise man had to give him 100 dollars.
So the wise man begun firing away a few questions and , of course, obtained a good few dollars so he decided to let the stupid man ask him a question. The stupid man asked him:

"What is orange, has 8 legs and can fly?"

The wise man, quite embarrassed, admitted he didn't know the answer and gave the wise man 100 dollars.

"So what was the answer anyway?" the wise man asked.

"I don't know, here's a dollar", the stupid man replied.

That's supposed to be an engineer vs a mathamatician :pac:

Muirgheal

Daniel S wrote: »

That's supposed to be an engineer vs a mathamatician :pac:

Actually it was a man vs a woman...

"I get so fedup with people always telling me where to go!"


Well, stop being a taxi driver!




/gets coat!

Ghandee

Last night My wife told me that she was 'fed up with me constantly pushing her around, and talking behind her back'....



I had to remind her that she's in a wheelchair.:(

Ellis Dee

A guy walks into a theatrical agent's office carrying a big bag, which he plonks down on the floor. He says: "I've got a great act for you", unzips the bag and lifts out a tiny grand piano, a little stool and a guy about a foot tall and wearing a dress suit.

The little guy sits down on the stool and starts playing a Chopin concerto.

The agent is flabbergasted and asks: "Where did you get him?"

The man replies: "I was out hiking in the hills and came across a leprechaun trapped under a fallen tree. I freed him and he told me that under the leprechaun code he had to grant me any wish I made.

"But the little cnut must have been hard of hearing, because what I got was a twelve-inch pianist.":D

El Inho

some people just dont get jokes....

El Inho

A priest, a rabbi, an irish man, a scots man, and english man and a welsh man all walk into a bar....

bar man says - 'is this some kind of joke'

MetalDog

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

07734

hypermuse wrote: »

what do call a gay dinosaur???

A megasorearse

Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys.

johnnysmack

07734 wrote: »

Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys.

Whats up your ass?





Sorry couldn't resist.