The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Loire

The zoo got a new gorilla, but she was very hard to handle because she was in heat, but there were no male gorillas around.

So they asked a big kerry man who worked there, will you ride her for €500? He said He'd think bout it? ...

He came to work the next day & said i wil do it, but with 3 conditions.
1. no kissing.
2. No one can ever know..
The manager was excited & asked his 3rd condition.

3. I'll need a couple of days to get the €500 together...

J Cheever Loophole

Think I read this one in the Old Testament;

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!!

Sykk

Shamelessly stolen..

My girlfriend told me she wanted more magic in our relationship..


So I disappeared

JessicaRabbit

casio4 wrote: »

Sorry:o I heard this joke on Britain's Got Talent within the past week (the semi-finals have been on all week and the final is on Saturday) and the guy who told the joke is - to quote the judges - the funniest unfunny comedian. He was in last night's semi-final but didn't get through to Saturday - however he's gone down a storm - very likeable type of chap but if you were to hear myself or anyone else telling the jokes he tells it wouldn't be anyway near as funny!

trollymctroll

Man on a trip to Amsterdam,
Is hungry and visits a restaurant,
Waiter hands him menu which says
'Ham sandwich':5 euro
'Ham and Cheese sandwich':6 euro
'Handjob': 10 euro

He curioisly asks about the handjob, and the waiter explains their is sexy woman in lingerie in the back who gives a decent handjob.
'Ill decide when come back from tot' says the man

On way back from toilet, the man notices the linegerie clad woman in the kitchen

He approaches her and asks 'Are you girl does handjobs?'

She says 'I am'

He then asks'would you wash your hands please and make me ham and cheese sandwich please'

Ledger

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

Think I read this one in the Old Testament;

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!!

sorry I always miss the obvious ones

J Cheever Loophole

Ledger wrote: »

sorry I always miss the obvious ones

I think it's me who should be sorry - it really only works when being spoken - it's a play on the pronunciation of the word bison - when said, it sounds like a posh way of saying the word basin.

I feel I've desecrated the thread!!

Ledger

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I think it's me who should be sorry - it really only works when being spoken - it's a play on the pronunciation of the word bison - when said, it sounds like a posh way of saying the word basin.

I feel I've desecrated the thread!!

Oh right I get ya now. ha

seklly

Paddy English man, Irish man and Scots man were training to join the FBI and it was down to the last 3.

Paddy English man walks into the directors office and the director congratulated him on making the final 3 while taking a gun out of the drawer. He said 'take this gun and go upstairs, first room on your left, your wife will be there, put a bullet in her head.'

Paddy English man says 'no way I love my wife, I couldn't do that' so the director sends him on his way.

Then Paddy Scots man walks into the directors office and again the director congratulated him on making the final 3 while taking a gun out of the drawer. He said 'take this gun and go upstairs, second room on your left, your wife will be there, put a bullet in her head.'

Paddy Scots man takes the gun saying 'fine so' and walks out the door. He comes back in a minute later saying 'couldn't do it, I love my wife too much' so the director sends him on his way as well.

Next up Paddy Irish man walks into the directors office and once again the director congratulated him on making the final 3 while taking a gun out of the drawer. He said 'take this gun and go upstairs, third room on your left, your wife will be there, put a bullet in her head.'

Paddy Irish man take the gun and walks out the door. 2 minutes later there's the sound of 3 gunshots followed by screaming, scuffling, furniture and glass breaking. A few minutes later Paddy Irish man walks back into the directors office panting with ripped clothes and scrapes on his face.

The directors jaw drops and he says 'what happened?'

'Well' Paddy says, 'after 3 shots I realised there were blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch'.

Juwwi

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and goes
into mammy and daddys bedroom only catch mammy on top
of daddy bouncing up and down.

The next day the boy asks his mammy
"why were you sitting up on daddy last night jumping up and down ?"

The mammy paused and said well you know the way daddy has a big belly I was trying to flatten it down.

The boy then say's well thats a waste of time mammy.
Why she asks?

Because when you go to bingo Mary from next door will come in and blow it back up again.

policarp

run_Forrest_run wrote: »

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking during sex?

Change.

It's a bad match. . .

don ramo

THE TAX MAN

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
Loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and **** all over an IRS official's desk and that
you'd be happy about it.

---

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

---

---

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...


MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about f*ck knows what!

---

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing
and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking,
the little guy says, "Well, you caught me
fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I
will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you,
I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,"
and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he
did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in
jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy
and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under
par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And
might I ask how your money
is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that
for you, too. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once
or twice a week? Is that all?!"

The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish

---

all shamelessly robbed:D

Ghandee

Saw a fat bird walking down the street today.

She had a T-shirt on saying I Love The HIP HOP!

I think the fúcking letters C and S must have fallen off.

J Cheever Loophole

Apologies if here already, as it's an old one.

Pat worked in the Guinness brewery. One day, he leaned over too far, fell into a vat of Guinness, and was drowned.

The boss at Guinness went round to Pat's house to break the news to his wife. She cried uncontrollably, but eventually regained her composure and asked,

'I have to know - did Pat have a quick death?'

'No', came the reply.

'How do you know that? asked the wife in tears.

'Because he got out three times to do a pee.'

senorwipesalot

Jimmy's Mum: "Jimmy, you've hardly said a word since your lobotomy."
Jimmy: "Mhhwuahhg."

newport2

What separates humans from animals?

The Liffey.

newport2

A guy is sitting in the study reading and his fat wife comes in limping. She angrily confronts him "what are you doing still reading here? Did you not hear me just fall down the stairs?"
He replies without looking up "sorry dear, I thought it was Eastenders starting"

bacon?

2 guys walking down the road, one turns to the other and says, "when i get home i'm gonna rip me sisters knickers off"

other guy says, "what the fcuk you gonna do that for?"

guy replies, "cause they're wrecking me hole"

luckyfrank

Whats green and smells of pork ?

Kermit the frogs finger

Wossack

A Teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

onlyrocknroll

I apologise in advance.

How do you express gratitude to a small onion.

"Thanks shallot"

link_2007

I called the rape helpline the other day.

Turns out it's only for victims.

onlyrocknroll

What would Mr T say about somebody who doesn't like Turkish food?

(You can probably work it out)

"I pita the fool"

Plazaman

After years of a moratorium on Garda Recruitment, the bosses in Templemore were desperate so decided an interview process would be enough to get people into the Guards.

The three Paddies went for interview.

First in was Paddy Englishman who got through the interview OK. "A final question Paddy" say the Chief Super, "this being holy catholic Ireland and all, tell me, who killed Jesus?".

"That's easy innit" says Paddy Englishman, "it was Pontius Pilate".

"Good man" says the Chief Super "go out there, get a uniform and go down the town on traffic duty".

Next in was Paddy Scotsman who got also through the interview OK. "A final question Paddy" repeats the Chief Super, "this being holy catholic Ireland and all, tell me, who killed Jesus?".

"Och aye, it wus Pontius Pilate". replies Paddy Scotsman

"Good man" says the Chief Super "go out there, get a uniform and go down the town on traffic duty".

Finally in goes Paddy Irishman who's interview went OK. Again the Chief Super asks "A final question Paddy, this being holy catholic Ireland and all, tell me, who killed Jesus?".

"Be the hokey" says Paddy "I haven't a clue"

"Are ya sure?" asks the Chief Super "hows about you go outside and think about it and come back into me".

In the hallway, Paddy Irishman sees the other two boys in uniform heading out. "Jaysus" he says to them, "they move quick around here, ye're on traffic duty and they've got me solving a murder case!"

newport2

A woman is in a coma. The Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!! The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, and says, "Christ, I think she choked.."

newport2

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

newport2

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

newport2

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Daniel S

newport2 wrote: »

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Hahahahahahaha best joke in AAAAGGESSS!!!! :D:D

Kolido

A little boy writes his Christmas letter, Dear Santa I would like a little sister for Christmas.
Santa write back to him, Okay, can you send me your mother?