The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

dexter647

Prob not the best joke you've ever heard:rolleyes:^^

Rowanvella199

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Capt'n Midnight

I was excited last night when I thought I found a series about a magic caravan, but it was just a trailer.


https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=494 :pac:

pockets3d

Rowanvella199 wrote: »

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Bob had bitch tits.

Hootanany

Angela Merkel goes on a weekend getaway to France. At Customs she's stopped by an immigration official who doesn't recognise her.

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel"
"Where are you from?"
"Germany"
"Occupation?"
"No. I'm just here for the weekend".

Ghandee

An Irish man has just started his own business over in Afghanistan making land mines that look like prayer mats.

Apparently it's going really well

He says prophets are going through the roof :pac:

ComfyKnickers

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Golfer: Whack, oh sh*t
Skydiver: Oh sh*t, whack

Omackeral

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Golfer: Whack, oh sh*t
Skydiver: Oh sh*t, whack

Why would the golfer say 'oh sh*t' though?!

Oblig lame joke Q: How does an eskimo fix his house?
A: Igloos it.




*crickets*

Temptamperu

Omackeral wrote: »

Why would the golfer say 'oh sh*t' though?!

Oblig lame joke Q: How does an eskimo fix his house?
A: Igloos it.




*crickets*

Why are igloos round?

So penguins cant hide in the corners.

ComfyKnickers

Omackeral wrote: »

Why would the golfer say 'oh sh*t' though?!

Oblig lame joke Q: How does an eskimo fix his house?
A: Igloos it.




*crickets*

Eh, because it was a bad shot!!!!

Omackeral

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

Eh, because it was a bad shot!!!!

So what's the difference between a bad golfer and a skydiver... oh I see now!!!


Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

44leto

If first you don't succeed try try again, unless you are parachute jumping.

policarp

44leto wrote: »

If first you don't succeed try try again, unless you are parachute jumping.

Don't be so pessimistic.

Bounce back and try again. . .

foxyboxer

*to the lads in the pub after a few beers*

"Right, I'm off home now, gonna tear the wife's knickers off!" :cool: :rolleyes::rolleyes:




"Tis fcuking killing me!" :eek::eek:

policarp

foxyboxer wrote: »

*to the lads in the pub after a few beers*

"Right, I'm off home now, gonna tear the wife's knickers off!" :cool: :rolleyes::rolleyes:




"Tis fcuking killing me!" :eek::eek:

Try putting them on back to front...

Podge2k7

Knock knock

Whos there

little boy blue

little boy blue who?

michael jackson

im invisible

I had a mate who used to wear dark clothes, listen to depressing music, and cut himself. Then last year he moved to northern Canada and became an ex-emo

shopaholic01

A guy from AIB on the news last night predicting house prices will start to rise at the end of this year.

Funniest thing I've heard in a long time:D:D, seriously I nearly wet myself. But if they do rise and our 'investments' start to make off, sure we won't mind losing our free banking now will we?

dan1895

Q. Whats 9 inches long and dangles in front of a c*nt?
A. Bertie Ahern's tie.

suicide_circus

dan1895 wrote: »

Q. Whats 9 inches long and dangles in front of a c*nt?
A. Bertie Ahern's tie.

livinsane

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Golfer: Whack, oh sh*t
Skydiver: Oh sh*t, whack

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.

casey junior

A German guy approaches one of the ladies of the night.
'I vish to buy zex vit shoo.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £50 an hour.'
'..ist gutte, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky, ja?'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees..

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and after all, the guy is paying.)
She finds the zex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

Her climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'Wow!!! That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

wait for it ..........

Four-sprung Duck technique




Courtesy of Amazon

funnilenough

wheelchair bound granny and a retired garda in a old folks home.
every evening she flies up and down the main corridor in her chair,and every evening he tries to antoganise her.
"You crossed a continous white line back there" he'd say ,and give her a telling off.
she'd respond by muttering to herself before returning to her room.
"You were doing 80 in a 60 zone"
"Your front lights aren't working"
and so on.etc

one nite as she's ploughing up and down the corridor,he decides to surprise her by jumping out in the nip with an erection.
"Not the ****in breathlyser again"!.,she exclaimed.

HigginsJ

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus

What do you call a one eyed dinosaurs dog?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex

Sunnyisland

A mother in law said to her sons wife when the baby was born

"i dont mean to be rude but he doesnt look anything like my son"

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said

"I dont mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a f''n photo copier"

hypermuse

HigginsJ wrote: »

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus

What do you call a one eyed dinosaurs dog?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex

what do call a gay dinosaur???

A megasorearse

statss

What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't wanna be Obama self...."

longshanks

Knock knock.

Come in.

MetalDog

My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away."

policarp

A bloke applies for a job on the London council and gets called
for an interview.
The interviewer asks him does he have any allergies?
Yes he says, caffeine.
Then he was asked did he ever work for the government.
He tells the interviewer that he had done two tours of duty in Iraq.
Good, says the interviewer that's 10 points in your favour.
Next, any disabilities?
Yes, he was close to a mine when it exploded and had both of his
testicles blown off.
Despite his allergy and his disability, his bonus points got him the
job and the interviewer tells him to start work the following morning at
10.30am.
But he says I thought the hours were 8.00am to 4.00pm.
Ah! that doesn't apply to you 'cause council workers sit around drinking
coffee and scratching their balls from 8.00 to 10.00 every morning and
then go for a half hour break.