The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

--Kaiser--

frag420 wrote: »

D- Must try harder.

It's at least a B+

frag420

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

frag420 wrote: »

D- Must try harder.

It's at least a B+

No guff!!

mr.jingle

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

uberalles

Two cannibals kidnap a circus performer.
Later that evening they cook him up in a stew and have dinner.
During the meal one cannibal turns to the other cannibal and says ......

does this clown taste funny to you?

admiralofthefleet

todays top tip for cheltenham

lunch hour

12/1

BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY ARE NUTS!

cruiser178

not saying my girlfriends a slag but even the label on her knickers says next.

Pottler

Our Lord said to St Paul-"come forth and enjoy eternal life".
St Paul raced, came fifth and only won a toaster.

Canard

Haha the one about arson is in my business book, epic

dublinman1990

The joke I have here is between a train; a terrorist and a catholic priest.

This terrorist blows up a train which contained a max total of 800 people. After such time he did the job; he goes into a confession box and tell the priest his sins.

The priest asks him; What sins have you committed my child?

He says he had bombed a train which left 370 passengers killed and 470 injured.
After all the prayers were said during confession; The penance comes up. And Lord behold us; this is what he said.

Priest: Now my child, for your penance; would you do the stations?

EDIT* Sorry for the Mistake.

Daniel S

dublinman1990 wrote: »

The joke I have here is between a train; a suicide bomber and a catholic priest.

This suicide bomber blows up a train which contained a max total of 800 people. After such time he did the job; he goes into a confession box and tell the priest his sins.

The priest asks him; What sins have you committed my child?

He says he had bombed a train which left 370 passengers killed and 470 injured.
After all the prayers were said during confession; The penance comes up. And Lord behold us; this is what he said.

Priest: Now my child, for your penance; would you do the stations?

frag420

dublinman1990 wrote: »

The joke I have here is between a train; a suicide bomber and a catholic priest.

This suicide bomber blows up a train which contained a max total of 800 people. After such time he did the job; he goes into a confession box and tell the priest his sins.

The priest asks him; What sins have you committed my child?

He says he had bombed a train which left 370 passengers killed and 470 injured.
After all the prayers were said during confession; The penance comes up. And Lord behold us; this is what he said.

Priest: Now my child, for your penance; would you do the stations?

So how did the suicide bomber survive??

kfallon

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

todays top tip for cheltenham

lunch hour

12/1

Got a tip for Ayr on Monday......open your windows on Sunday :pac:

Obviously works better when you say it

policarp

He was charged for arson.

What was he sitting on.?

Smidge

Man goes into the doctor's surgery,
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like my head has turned into a strawberry.

Doctor says
Not to worry, just put this cream on it

tayto lover

frag420 wrote: »

So how did the suicide bomber survive??

And where did the extra 40 people come from ?

44leto

I think I will spam this thread by posting the worse jokes I have heard.

2 Owls are playing snooker, when one brushes a ball with his wing and moves it.

Someone shouts from the audience hey 2 free shots

The other owl says Too Whits too whooo.

stick girl

3 mice sitting in a pub, talking about how tough they are. Shots ordered. 1st one says ''I'm so tough I eat rat poison for breakfast!'' downs his shot. 2nd one says ''I'm so tough AND fast, I grab the cheese outta those traps and come away unscathed every time!'' Downs his shot. 3rd mouse stands up, downs his shot and starts to walk away, then turns around and says to the others '' I'm going home to fck the cat!''

Capt'n Midnight

Patchy~ wrote: »

Haha the one about arson is in my business book, epic

That explains a lot about the Celtic tiger, pure fantasy

tayto lover wrote: »

And where did the extra 40 people come from ?

fraudulent compo claims

If you ever see anyone doing a crossword, tap on their shoulder and tell them, "7 up is lemonade".

kfallon

Polish man goes to specsavers for an eye test.

Optician shows him the test card with C Z W J X N Y S A C Z and asks him "Can you read that?"

The Pole says "Read it?", " I fooking know the cunt"

:pac:

kfallon

Paddy & Mary decide to try a 69.
Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him!
She tells him to lie on the floor & squats over him,
as she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising!
She tries again but farts again.
Paddy jumps up & storms out yelling "I'll be fucked if im hanging around for another 67 of them!!!"

Steven81

Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?.

Because he had nobody to go with!!

Steven81

Wht didnt the skeleton jump off the cliff?.

Because he didnt have the guts!!!

44leto

Steven81 wrote: »

Wht didnt the skeleton jump off the cliff?.

Because he didnt have the guts!!!

I'm sorry but I accuse you of trolling this thread, I simply don't believe they are the best jokes you heard, so please stay on topic.

Steven81

Why do skeletons hate winter?

Because the wind just goes straight through them.

Wossack

44leto wrote: »

I think I will spam this thread by posting the worse jokes I have heard.

2 Owls are playing snooker, when one brushes a ball with his wing and moves it.

Someone shouts from the audience hey 2 free shots

The other owl says Too Whits too whooo.

44leto wrote: »

I'm sorry but I accuse you of trolling this thread, I simply don't believe they are the best jokes you heard, so please stay on topic.

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the
inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Steven81

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

omg a kitty

"Must you really lick the knife?"
"Sorry force of habit, loads of people do it though. don't they?"
"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"



I'll get my coat..

Rocky_Dennis

Face: Has it fallen on one side?
Arms: Can they raise both arms and keep them there?
Speech: Is their speech slurred? If so.....
Time: to get her knickers off because the Vodka has taken effect.

To get laid, you have to act F.A.S.T.

admiralofthefleet

how do you kill an african child?

cancel the direct debit