The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

kfallon · 25-02-2012 10:05PM

I've given up Viagra for lent, but I'm really missing it.
Not sure how long I can keep it up for.

Gannicus · 25-02-2012 10:06PM

Whats the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You can pull a hare out of your arse but you can't pull a rabbit out

im invisible · 25-02-2012 10:07PM

i gave up lent for girth

Gannicus · 25-02-2012 10:24PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pseGtp0z0F0

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2012 12:06AM

Rangers ground Ibrox is to be renamed "The Inland Revenue Arena" or IRA for short.

But it's only provisional.

Maudi · 26-02-2012 12:17AM

fuzztone wrote: »

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? To see her crack.

now thats..funny

luckyfrank · 26-02-2012 12:54AM

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a box of viagra ? The chemist asks him does he have a prescription, he says no but i have a photo of my wife.............

luckyfrank · 26-02-2012 07:18PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Rangers ground Ibrox is to be renamed "The Inland Revenue Arena" or IRA for short.

But it's only provisional.

alandublin33 · 27-02-2012 02:59AM

an Irish sailor gets washed up on a desert island and soon see's that he's surrounded by blood thirsty cannibals ,

big chief : put man in big pot , we will eat tonight!!!

so the sailor gets dragged by the cannibals and thrown into the pot with the fire at full blaze and his hands tied and mouth gagged.

20 mins pass by and the big chief notices the sailor with tears of laughter rolling down his face.

big chief : remove gag from sailor now !
big chief : why you laugh when you cooking in pot ???

sailor: cos Im after sh1tein in your dinner !!

alandublin33 · 27-02-2012 05:06AM

a restaurant opens up one day and make the claim that whatever you order they will have it for you on the spot no matter what it is.

so people started to try it just to see if its true , so they went in and ordered the regular kind of restaurant food , steaks , different kinds of fish and the restaurant lived up to its reputation and always had what the customers ordered.

so after a while the customers got fed up with this and started to order more and more obscure dishes just to prove to themselves the restaurant couldnt possibly have everything , like antelope with lettuce from Madrid , rhino tongue with oysters , and flamingo with pickles.

but no matter what customers ordered the restaurant still always had it and served it up quickly.

so this carries on month after month year after year with the orders getting stranger and stranger.

so one day a man goes in and says to himself Im gonna catch these f****rs out!

man : excuse me........ waitress

waitress : yes sir , are you ready to place your order?

man : yes I certainly am , I would like some mermaids nipples on toast

waitress : ...... ok sir I will be back to you shortly .

(a lot of noise comes from the kitchen opening and slamming presses)

the waitress comes back to the man.

waitress : Im terribly sorry sir we cant make your order

man : oh really ? (looking smug)

waitress : Yes , we've run out of bread!

Ledger · 27-02-2012 12:27PM

Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part magazine documenting their life as a band.
Parts A to D will be freely available in shops, but you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

kfallon · 27-02-2012 12:35PM

Ledger wrote: »

Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part magazine documenting their life as a band.
Parts A to D will be freely available in shops, but you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

So bad it made me laugh

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided

"Jaysus if she can't hold down a f*cking job, she's not for me!!"

Ghandee · 27-02-2012 05:41PM

Ledger wrote: »

Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part magazine documenting their life as a band.
Parts A to D will be freely available in shops, but you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

Just heard this being read out on 2fm as Will Leahy's crap joke of the day!

Respect man!

Ledger · 27-02-2012 08:44PM

Ghandee wrote: »

Ledger wrote: »

Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part magazine documenting their life as a band.
Parts A to D will be freely available in shops, but you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

Just heard this being read out on 2fm as Will Leahy's crap joke of the day!

Respect man!

I'll hold my hands up, I got it from gift grub this morning. Haha

Compton · 27-02-2012 10:40PM

Liverpool have finally taken home a trophy after six years: The Carling cup.

That's a bit like being single for six years and then bringing home Susan Boyle.

grindle · 27-02-2012 10:46PM

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One'll make your day, the other'll make your hole weak.

patmac · 28-02-2012 11:50AM

I paid €5000 for a boob job for the missus she was delighted,
I paid €4000 for a nose job for her and she was ecstatic,
I paid €3000 for an arse lift for her and she was over the moon,
I paid €30 for a blow job for meself and she goes fecking mental!

28-02-2012 04:36PM

Why don't pirates have any headache tablets?

Parrots eat them all.

kfallon · 28-02-2012 04:37PM

Toilet from Store Street Garda station was stolen this morning.

Senior Garda spokesman says they have nothing to go on :P

policarp · 28-02-2012 05:31PM

kfallon wrote: »

Toilet from Store Street Garda station was stolen this morning.

Senior Garda spokesman says they have nothing to go on :P

All that's left is a hole in the floor.

Gardai are looking into it. . .

28-02-2012 05:39PM

How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene.

JessicaRabbit · 01-03-2012 12:17AM

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
...
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Patri · 01-03-2012 02:23AM

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

TiGeR KiNgS · 01-03-2012 09:36PM

<snip>

domkk · 02-03-2012 12:48AM

Why are West Ham fans like Michael Jackson?.....

cos there forever blowing bubbles!!!!!!!!!!!

Curly Judge · 02-03-2012 08:23PM

>
>
> The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
> early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
> Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
> line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose
> what those two points would be.
> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
> top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet
> and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
> measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
> walked Out with $96,000.
> The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
> who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
> 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
> It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
> reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
> Officers had received.
> But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
> providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical
> Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
> The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
> weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
> ''Where are your testicles?''
>
> The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
>
>
> I Love This Country!
> It's The Government That
> Scares The Hell Outa Me

ItsAWindUp · 02-03-2012 08:26PM

Not sure if its the best one, but its the filthiest by far. In fact I feel unclean typing it, but it is funny.:D

How do you make a gay f uck a woman?

S hit in her c unt.

02-03-2012 08:40PM

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in Mars bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

policarp · 03-03-2012 07:08PM

Heard about the lazy plumber?

He wouldn't do a tap.

policarp · 03-03-2012 07:11PM

What is the cure for water on the brain?

A tap on the head.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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