The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

TiGeR KiNgS

<snip>

domkk

Why are West Ham fans like Michael Jackson?.....




cos there forever blowing bubbles!!!!!!!!!!!

Curly Judge

>
>
> The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
> early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
> Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
> line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose
> what those two points would be.
> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
> top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet
> and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
> measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
> walked Out with $96,000.
> The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
> who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
> 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
> It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
> reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
> Officers had received.
> But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
> providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical
> Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
> The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
> weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
> ''Where are your testicles?''
>
> The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
>
>
> I Love This Country!
> It's The Government That
> Scares The Hell Outa Me

ItsAWindUp

Not sure if its the best one, but its the filthiest by far. In fact I feel unclean typing it, but it is funny.:D

How do you make a gay f uck a woman?

S hit in her c unt.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in Mars bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

policarp

Heard about the lazy plumber?

He wouldn't do a tap.

policarp

What is the cure for water on the brain?

A tap on the head.

GreenWolfe

A Chukchi and a Russian geologist were hunting together when a polar bear reared up in front of them. The Chukchi shouted "Run" and started running off into the distance. The Russian shrugged, raised his gun and simply shot the polar bear.

"You Russians are terrible hunters" the Chukchi bellowed. "It's ten miles back to the tent, you can haul that bear back yourself!"

Nodster

Davey Jones just had his first row in heaven, apparently he bumped into Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse and started singing "hey hey its the junkies"

domkk

How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?............




........NONE! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

starch4ser

What did Billy the blind, deaf, dumb, spastic get for christmas?

Cancer

KeithM89_old

Mod Note:
Chances are, if you read it on sickipedia, its not suitable for AH.
Think before you post, people of all ages read Boards.
Last Warning.

Galway K9

TiGeR KiNgS wrote: »

<snip>

Lol how bad is it that its not suitable for AH

Curly Judge

On their way to get married, a young Roman Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven"

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, come ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

44leto

NOt a joke but something someone said to me today.

I was shopping for a lawnmower today, but there are all different types so I asked an old gent who worked for woodies.

He told me the different types the advantages and disadvantages etc he was very helpful and knowledgeable.

But then he pointed out the push non power lawnmowers, "now these are great value, they will save you a fortune on gym membership" I burst out laughing.

efb

Gay marriage is like slavery, Catholic leader says


- that is a joke, right!?!

sonic85

Mick is in court accused of committing a double murder. The judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A man at the back of the courtroom yells out "C U N T!"

The room goes silent, the judge continues "You are also charged with beating your wifes lover to death with a hammer." Again the man yells out "YOU FCUKING C U N T!"

The judge having had enough, looks at the man and says "Sir, I can understand your anger at this crime but i will have no more outbursts, if you have anything else to say, say it now."

The man stands up and says "For 15 years i lived next door to that bastard and everytime i asked to borrow a fcuking hammer he said he didnt have one!"

44leto

44leto wrote: »

NOt a joke but something someone said to me today.

I was shopping for a lawnmower today, but there are all different types so I asked an old gent who worked for woodies.

He told me the different types the advantages and disadvantages etc he was very helpful and knowledgeable.

But then he pointed out the push non power lawnmowers, "now these are great value, they will save you a fortune on gym membership" I burst out laughing.

Definition of an optimist!
Man who buys a lawnmower in addition to with his packet of grass seed!

Spread

In a little village in the west of Ireland a young man - having finished his schooling - got a job in a hardware/drapery/grocer shop. The first day there, his boss gave him a new khaki coat for uniform and told him just to watch for a few minutes. Door chime goes off and in walks first customer, "I'd like to buy a pound of grass seeds". The boss weighs the seeds, bags them and puts it on the counter. "Anything else Sir?" asks the boss. "Don't think so", says the customer. "Perhaps you'd like to purchase one of our lawn mowers - 20% off until Wednesday!" "Oops, hadn't thought of that, that's a good idea", says customer. To make a long story short, the customer leaves with not just the grass seeds but also a new lawn mower, can of oil and an extended warranty. The boss looking at the new worker with a wink says, "That's the way to do business!"
With that, the phone in the office rings and he boss goes to answer it. The door chime rings again and in walks another male customer. "Can I help you Sir?", said the newbie. "Yes, I'd like to buy a packet of Tampax please". The newbie reaches up and puts a package on the counter. "Anything else Sir?" "No that's it thanks". "Could I interest you in one of our lawn mowers - 20% off until Wednesday!" "Why in the name of God would I need a lawn mower!"
"Well, it looks like your weekend is fucked so you might as well mow the lawn".

carrick79

What is a wok for?

It's for thwowing at wabbits when you haven't got a wifle...

HalloweenJack

"One thing you'll have to make sure about if you're a father - never permit your son to consort with anybody in the building trade. Take my own boy. I can only conclude that he spends practically all his time in the company of some plasterer because, do you know what it is, that fellow comes home thoroughly plastered every night."

"I think some of our Government departments should see about giving themselves more appropriate names. Our military ministry, seeing as we are neutral, should be called the Department of the Fence. And surely the Department of Agriculture is a poor title - would it not be better to call it the Department of Yokel Government?"

- Myles na Gopaleen.

Reloc8

This guy works as a magician on a cruise ship - loves the job. He does his show at the cabaret every evening with matinees at the weekend. Goes down a treat with the passengers.

Then one day the barman stops off on one of the islands and brings back a parrot to keep as a pet. The parrot's perch is right beside the stage and it promptly begins to ruin the magician's life.

What it does is it shouts out to the audience how he's doing his tricks, every single one of them. 'SQWAWK he's got it up his sleeve' 'SQWAWK he's using a mirror'. Every single time. Ruins the guy's life. This goes on for a couple of years.

One night when the magician is asleep in his cabin he wakes up and realises the ship is sinking. Manages to struggle out a port hole and get to the surface, climbs onto a table that's floating nearby, looks around, he's the only survivor.

Next morning, the same, no one else seems to have made it out. He sees a small speck in the air miles up, and as the speck circles around coming down the whole time he begins to realise, its the parrot, the bane of his life, the only other living thing that made it out of the ship. The parrot lands on his table and looks at him.

They stare at each other all day, and just as the magician is about to try and grab the parrot to a) finally kill it and b) eat it the Parrot cocks his head at him and says.

'Alright. Fair play. What did you do with the ship ?'

edit : crap ! its a repost.

admiralofthefleet

I was chatting to the girl sitting next to me on the train this morning.

For some reason, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of her tits.

ringadingding

Kurt cobain killed himself one month after Justin beiber was born.



He knew

Marcin_diy

Irish humour is slightly different to Polish, I can't understand some of jokes, but hope you will understand these few below. They are translated by me from Polish, hope you get the point and it will make a sense to you.


-Son! I've found condom in your room yesterday!
- It is possible grandpa
- Grandpa?
- yep Grandpa thats cos I couldn't find it yesterday
*******************
In the pharmacy

- Can I get 30 condoms?
- do you need a bag?
- No my GF is quite pretty.
*************************

prisoner escaped from the jail. he broke in to the house looking for some cash, gold etc, but he found only young couple in the bed.
He is telling the man to get off bed, sit on the chair, and then burglar bind the man to it. next - he bind woman to the bed, kiss her neck, and goes to the bathroom.
When prisoner is away husband tells to his wife:
- Listen this guy just escaped from the jail, look at his clothes, he must have spent many years there and he didn't see a woman for a long time. I've seen how he was kissing you in your neck. if he wants se*x be quiet and do everything he ask you to do, he is dangerous for sure.
Be strong honey, I love you and remember - he can kill us.

Wife answers:
- he didn't kiss my neck, he whispered into my ear that he is a gay, and you are beautiful. he asked if we have vaseline in the bathroom . Be strong honey, I love you.

*******************
Blonde goes for a walk - she is at the river bank when she see another blonde on the other river bank
- heyy - another one screams - how can I get onto another side?
1st blonde looks at her and reply - but you are already on the other side.



More to follow if i get few thanks

Daniel S

Marcin_diy wrote: »

I

-Son! I've found condom in your room yesterday!
- It is possible grandpa
- Grandpa?
- yep Grandpa thats cos I couldn't find it yesterday
*******************
In the pharmacy

- Can I get 30 condoms?
- do you need a bag?
- No my GF is quite pretty.
*************************

prisoner escaped from the jail. he broke in to the house looking for some cash, gold etc, but he found only young couple in the bed.
He is telling the man to get off bed, sit on the chair, and then burglar bind the man to it. next - he bind woman to the bed, kiss her neck, and goes to the bathroom.
When prisoner is away husband tells to his wife:
- Listen this guy just escaped from the jail, look at his clothes, he must have spent many years there and he didn't see a woman for a long time. I've seen how he was kissing you in your neck. if he wants se*x be quiet and do everything he ask you to do, he is dangerous for sure.
Be strong honey, I love you and remember - he can kill us.

Wife answers:
- he didn't kiss my neck, he whispered into my ear that he is a gay, and you are beautiful. he asked if we have vaseline in the bathroom . Be strong honey, I love you.

*******************
Blonde goes for a walk - she is at the river bank when she see another blonde on the othe bank
- heyy - another one screams - how can I get onto another side?
1st blonde looks at her and reply - but you are already on the other side.



More to follow if i get few tanks

Don't get the first, second is very good, heard the third one a million times and the fourth one is alright

Curly Judge

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were lost in the jungle and were captured by a tribe of cannibals.
They were about to be thrown into a big pot and cooked alive when the chief of the tribe turned up, and, being a sporting sort of chap, offered to release them if in total their dicks measured 20 inches. [This was pre-metrication]
The Scotsman took his out first and it measured a whopping 10 inches.
The Englishman subscribed an eight inch specimen.
When it came to The Irishman's turn he barely managed to produce the essential two inches.
Being a man of his word the chief let them go and they raced off through the jungle anxious to put as much distance between themselves and the cannibals as possible.
The Scotsman boasted that it was a good job he had a 10 inch whopper or more than their goose would have been cooked.
Not to be outdone the Englishman said that it was fortuitous that he had the 8 inch weapon to display.
Trundling along behind them Paddy said that it was; "A good job I had a horn at the time"!

Marcin_diy

In UK people were asked question if they prefer to be calld British or English
Majority replied.. Polish.

******

There are lot of jokes and comments about Polish stealing cars in Germany
One of them is:
Why Russians always steal 2 cars/ not 1 in Germany?
- Cos they need to go back through Poland.
************
Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
*******************
A Polish guy married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, un acre und half.

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.

LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I gut proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought bottle at drug store, und put on shelf in bathroom. I cun read - it sez "Polish Remover."
***********

frag420

What's were the Poles doing during WW2??



Holding up the fences!!

forfuxsake

frag420 wrote: »

What's were the Poles doing during WW2??



Holding up the fences!!

Best Polish joke I've heard about the war was in Poland, by a a beautiful sad looking Polish girl. Sorry if it has been posted before as it is quite a commonly used joke by the locals in Krakow.

'My grandfather died in Auschwitz' she says
'That's terrible' I sympathized
'Yes' she continued 'he slipped from the watchtower whilst taking drunken pot-shots at the Jews, and broke his neck'