The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

mad m

My Grandfather died in Auschwitz.....


*Pause*

Someone asks, was he jewish?


No, he fell out of the gun tower.......

Baaaa Doom Bish!!!

Kxiii

I heard that new film the Iron Lady was getting an 18's cert.


It's not suitable for miners.

Ronin247

Paddy sees mick in the usual spot in the pub and goes over.Mick is grinning from ear to ear,"why are you so happy?" Paddy asks.

" well when I left here last night I decided to take a short cut home by the railway tracks,and I found a girl all tied up to the tracks.I untied her and took her home and we had sex all night,it was great...her on top, me on top,an*l, doggy style... everything."
"wow thats great" says Paddy....."did you get a bl*wjob?"

"No" says Mick "I didnt find the head"

AngryBollix

What's brown and green, has 8 legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on your face it would kill you?

a snooker table

losthorizon

Velcro - €2.50? What a rip off!

Capt'n Midnight

Daniel S wrote: »

Mod note:
<snip>

No jokes about circumcision please.

It won’t be long now...

gerrymartin

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

It won’t be long now...

Thats a good tip;)

casio4

gerrymartin wrote: »

Thats a good tip;)

stroke of luck that :pac:

Canard

Cut out the foreskin jokes now guys

losthorizon

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip!

mr.jingle

A woman went to her doctor for a full check up as she was getting married for the 5th time. After the examination the doctor looked very puzzled.
"I can't believe u married 4 times already cos ur still a virgin!"
She replied "I can explain -
1st hubby was a gynaecologist - all he wanted to do was look at it.
2nd was a psychologist - all he wanted to do was talk about it.
3rd was a builder & he kept saying he'd get round to it next week.
4th was a Fianna Fail TD & all he wanted to do was kiss my arse..... so I remained a virgin!"
The doctor asked "What does ur fiance do?"
She says "He is a banker."
The doctor smiled & said, "Well, you will definitely get fu**ed this time!"

gerrymartin

Why did the leper fail his driving test?






He left his foot on the clutch.

OhMSGlive

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" Paddy Murphy replies,

"Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

El Jefe

What did Saint Patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of Ireland?.....................






Are Ye alright in the back there lads?:D

Podge2k7

What starts with "S", ends with "ex" and gives some muslims erections?

Semtex

HovaBaby

What did the man say in the broken down car to the junkie trying to rob him?




I've no gear!!



*gets coat*

Spoonman75

A Dog walks into a Post Office and says to the Teller, "I'd like to send this telegram, please", and hands (paws?) her a sheet of paper.

The Teller reads the note which reads as follows:

"Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."

The Teller replies, "I've noticed you have nine "woofs" here and we're having a special today on amounts of words used and you can add an extra "woof" at no extra price"

The dog cocks his head in confusion and replies:

"But then the message would make no sense."

longshanks

God Phones Noah to Order a New Ark

Expecting bad weather? OK, same specs as last time? says Noah
Nope, this time I want 20 decks.

20! That's huge. OK, kitted out for the animals as usual?
No, this time it's for fish.

FISH! OK, you're the boss. I'll get the whole selection, cod, haddock, skate . .
No, just carp.

Just the one type? Carp
Yep, that's right carp.

OK, says Noah, but can I just ask why?

.
.
.

.
.

.


I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark!

MetalDog

Once so glamourous, such a pride to behold, she loved to travel the globe and was always full of foreign seamen.

But, those were the glory days, now she is battered and beaten, her career in tatters, laying their on her side with her gash on full view to the world...

if only she has stayed with Peter Andre.

JessicaRabbit

Paddy Goes Into The Police Station. Looking Around, He Asks "Who Are All These Pictures Of?". The Constable Says "These Are All The People We Need To Catch". Paddy Is Confused. He Asks "Why Didn't You Catch Them When You Were Taking The Pictures?":):o

whitewave

BBC News: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack. After further investigation, it turns out he simply lost the huile d'olive

OhMSGlive

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

kfallon

The wife, sexually frustrated, asked me, "When was the last time you gave me an orgasm?"

So I said, "This morning."

She cackled with laughter. "Ha! In your dreams!"

"No. In your coffee."

kfallon

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

kfallon

A glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and says "this is Amanda"
His Dad jumps up and says "Its a f****g what?"

kfallon

Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over".

Chet Zar

My pet dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks.

'Bad Minton'

angel343

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

im invisible

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a Second time and said You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

Rocky_Dennis

Who are the nicest people in a hospital?

The ultra-sound people