The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight

Andrewh1984 wrote: »

Who are the nicest people in a hospital?

The ultra-sound people

and when they aren't there who is the nicest person ?

the hip replacement guy

Irishchick

I was explaining to my wife how I often feel really high, and then really low.

She said: "Dave get off the f*cking swing".

kevmol88

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

omg a kitty

Whats long, hard and full of seamen?

A ship

omg a kitty

After 12 years of therapy, My psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: "No hablo ingles"

cosanostra

She said "All men are w*nkers" He said "Edward scissor hands wasn't"

Cypher_sounds

A nun is in the shower and someone knocks on the door, she shouts out 'who is it ' gets a reply ' its the blind man's so she thought as he cant see me might as well let him in so calls out 'come In'.
He walks in looks at the nun and says 'nice tits where do you want me to hang the blind'.

coco_lola

frag420 wrote: »

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Im a schizophrenic,
And so am I

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm crap at poems,
Nice t*ts

giles lynchwood

What is black and eat's fish and chip's






























Half of England

JessicaRabbit

Two kerry men,Jack and Paddy, are on their first plane trip heading for new york.
Shortly after take off the captain says over the intercom
"Ladies and gentlemen,we seem to have lost power in our number one engine, no need to worry as we have 4 engines and this plane can fly on one engine if needs be,we will be an hour late arriving in new york"
Later again the captain explains that they are having trouble with their number two engine and will be now 3 hours late arriving in New York.
A short while later the captain comes on the intercom again and explains that their number three engine has lost power and they will now be 8 hours late arriving in new york.
Jack says to Paddy "jayus, I hope we don't lose power in the fourth engine or we'll be up here all fecking night"

Curly Judge

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Bumrungrad Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins"._

BenEadir

Curly Judge wrote: »

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Bumrungrad Hospital for heart surgery

Can I ask why Bumrungrad hospital is named here?? I know that hospital very well!!!

Ben

CarrickMcJoe

Two women talking over the garden wall when one of the husbands comes walking up the path with a big bunch of flowers.

"Look at this fella with the flowers, he probably expects me to have my legs in the air for the next 2 weeks", said his wife.

"Why, have you no vase? the other asked....

McChubbin

How do you know if a woman's used a vibrator during pregnancy?

The kid has a stutter.

Daniel S

McChubbin wrote: »

How do you know if a woman's used a vibrator during pregnancy?

The kid has a stutter.

That's not it, this is it:

How do you know if yore ma's used a vibrator during pregnancy?

You've got the shakes

Curly Judge

BenThere wrote: »

Can I ask why Bumrungrad hospital is named here?? I know that hospital very well!!!

Ben

Sorry Ben, I can't help you there.
The history of jokes does not record, [or require] that level of detail.

ringadingding

I just brought a puppy from the local blacksmith, as soon as we got back to the house , he made a bolt for the back door .

memind

-
A wife says to her husband:

"You're always pushing me around and talking

behind my back."

And he says:

"What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"

---

Question - Are there too many immigrants in the US ?

17% said yes;

11% said no;

72% said:

"I am not understandeeng thees question please.".

memind

---

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.




----

A man calls 911 and says:

"I think my wife is dead."

The operator says:

"How do you know?"

He says:

"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

CarrickMcJoe

Little old lady had 2 chimps named Jack and Jill as pets for 40 years. One morning she came down stairs to find them both dead.
Not wanting to bury them she went to a taxidermist and asked to have them stuffed.

"Certainly ma'am but it will cost €4000."

"Jack and Jill were good company for years so its well worth it" she said, and headed for the door.

" sorry ma'am, the guy calls after her, "Do you want them mounted"?

"Oh no" she says. "Just holding hands"!

Jim_Kiy

Not the best but the latest that made laugh a little inside


What u call a chunky laptop?


Adele.

JessicaRabbit

ringadingding wrote: »

I just brought a puppy from the local blacksmith, as soon as we got back to the house , he made a bolt for the back door .

ha ha ha !!

wellboy76

Must have been posted before.......

How do you know your sister is on the blob?

Cause your dads d1ck tastes of sh1t

spitfireIRL

did you hear about the guy who drowned in the muesli? he was brought down by a strong currant

Curly Judge

A woman's husband dies and she has him removed to the morticians to be dolled up for his final journey.
Upon inspecting their work she pronounces herself well pleased but with one small caveat.
"I see you have him laid out in a brown suit," she said, "But all his life he loved blue ,so I would really appreciate it if you could change to a blue suit".
The mortician readily agreed and informed the lady that it would cost 400 euro extra.
When she returned that afternoon she found her dear departed husband lying resplendent in a beautiful blue suit.
Delighted with their work she allowed the funeral to go ahead.
A month later she received an invoice from the morticians but noticed that they had only charged her 200 euro extra for the changes she had requested. Pleased but puzzled she asked why it was now so greatly reduced.
"You see Madam", the manager replied, "it so happened that another woman was in here that same day and her husband was laid out in a blue suit but she asked for it to be changed to brown and in a further coincidence he was almost exactly the same height and shape as your husband".
"I see", the woman exclaimed, "You just changed suits"?
"No madam", the manager replied, "We just changed heads"!

policarp

NEWS FLASH!

ELVIS IS COMPOST MEMPHIS. . .

Will I Amnt

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day..

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'But you have no arms man!'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'

With that the man stood forward and began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

Then suddenly and tragically, the huge bell swung back against the man's face as he leaned forward to strike it. The armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop replied, sadly,

'BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the now distraught bishop, 'but...' 

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

podgemonster

cambo2008 wrote: »

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

I think thats the 3rd time that joke has been mentioned..:(

Why do Ducks have webbed feet?
For stamping out fires

Why elephants have flat feet?
For stamping out ducks that are on fire


I had a dream last night that i was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper himself! I suppose you could say.............
I was dicing with Death

aaronjumper

"Heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm?"

"Yes."

"Ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff."

Rocky_Dennis

A man is sat on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breast feeding her baby. The baby wont take it so she says .....''Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man''.10 minutes later the baby still wont breast feed so she says again..... ''Come on darling, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!'' To which the man replies...''Listen love, could you make your fucking mind up, I should have got off 4 stops ago