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how long did it take you to get over ex
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...and I'd expect the guy to do everything my ex used.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, being surprised and delighted when he doesn't do the things that annoyed you about your ex is quite refreshing and helps the healing process.
I don't really expect very much from rebound relationships in the longer term but they have been very useful in helping me to see that life goes on, other men have wonderful qualities and probably most importantly, it stopped me spending so much time on my own missing "us" that I didn't have the opportunity to turn him and our relationship into some rose tinted wonderfulness that it hadn't really been - something I was certainly guilty of after other break ups.0 -
Ickle Magoo wrote: »That's not necessarily a bad thing, being surprised and delighted when he doesn't do the things that annoyed you about your ex is quite refreshing and helps the healing process.
Oh absolutely, and that's something I look forward too. But I forgot to add that I'd probably get really hurt and upset if I didn't hear from him again. I'm too raw now to be able to be emotionally detached. But I look forward to kicking a guy out of my bed in the middle of the night once I'm ready.I don't really expect very much from rebound relationships in the longer term but they have been very useful in helping me to see that life goes on, other men have wonderful qualities and probably most importantly, it stopped me spending so much time on my own missing "us" that I didn't have the opportunity to turn him and our relationship into some rose tinted wonderfulness that it hadn't really been - something I was certainly guilty of after other break ups.
This is something I'm trying not to do too. I go through phases; some days all I can think about are the good times we had, but other days I'm much more practical and can clearly see that there was an equal amount of bad in the last few months. I'm hoping for more of the latter days!0 -
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Ickle Magoo wrote: »That's not necessarily a bad thing, being surprised and delighted when he doesn't do the things that annoyed you about your ex is quite refreshing and helps the healing process.
I don't really expect very much from rebound relationships in the longer term but they have been very useful in helping me to see that life goes on, other men have wonderful qualities and probably most importantly, it stopped me spending so much time on my own missing "us" that I didn't have the opportunity to turn him and our relationship into some rose tinted wonderfulness that it hadn't really been - something I was certainly guilty of after other break ups.
I second this. While I am still in the "arrrghh" place one good thing about the rebound sex I had was that it wasn't weird to be with another man in that way. It was nice to explore someone elses body and have sex in a totally differnt way with them. It showed me that when I am finally ready I can have some kind of meaningful physical relationship with someone else and like it for what it is and not compare it to the one I had with my ex.0 -
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I don't think it's sad. I know women tend to talk about their feelings more than men but even men have put in on this thread how they're feeling. No harm in sharing stories and helping out with comforting each other.ShagNastii wrote: »Yep and it is sad in equal parts aswell. In the sense we're all "sad" for babbling on an internet forum about our ex's, and "sad" that deep down a good few of us seems genuinely heartbroken.
Some people find it easier to confide in strangers than people they know. For example you'd be more likely to see a counselor that you didn't know as opposed to one you'd know personally. No matter how good their professional reputation is compared to the other counselor.0 -
Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,170 Mod ✭✭✭✭
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I'd agree. I suspect if I had had strangers on the interweb to rant with when I went through the two biggies it would have been a weight off. As far as the emotional trauma, for me anyway it was pretty harsh. I've buried mates and family and that was truly horrible, but more acute, heartbreak keeps on givingI don't think it's sad. I know women tend to talk about their feelings more than men but even men have put in on this thread how they're feeling. No harm in sharing stories and helping out with comforting each other. for longer. It's defo up there with bereavement. Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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I'd agree. I suspect if I had had strangers on the interweb to rant with when I went through the two biggies it would have been a weight off. As far as the emotional trauma, for me anyway it was pretty harsh. I've buried mates and family and that was truly horrible, but more acute, heartbreak keeps on giving for longer. It's defo up there with bereavement.
The internet has helped me a huge amount over the last few weeks. If it wasn't for here, I don't know how I'd have gotten through things. There are a few wonderful women here who've given me more comfort and advice than I could ever imagined. They've held my virtual hand all the way. My mum gave out to me recently for living a "virtual life", saying it was bad for me, but that couldn't be further from the truth right now. I can freely cry when writing my posts here; I'd feel stupid bawling crying in front of friends repeatedly in the real world.
I'm starting to come to terms with things now, and I owe so much of that to boards.
As for a break up being like a bereavement, it completely is. I described it to a friend in the early days as, "It's like he's died, but only to me. Everyone else gets to keep going as normal, seeing him, hanging out with him, talking to him. It's like he's died, only worse because he's still there but i'm the only one not allowed to be in his life". And at least when someone actually dies, you know that's it, you're never going to see them again. But when you've been dumped, you don't get that kind of closure, and I think most people spend a long time trying to figure out how to get the person back. That's probably the worst part: The niggling hope that they'll come grovelling back to you any day now.0 -
5 months and counting. im still madly in love with him. It doesnt help that we see each other once or twice a week either or that he tells me "i mean so much to him".. maybe i do just not enough!
It's not so bad now though I can actually function again and I do enjoy myself without him being there. And I am onlly 20 so surely I'll find someone I feel that close to again!
I did try the whole hooking up with other people thing but as soon as someone even hints they want anything remotely serious I run a mile. I think I need to be happy to be on my own and get my confidence back before Ido anything else.0 -
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,170 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Join Date:Posts: 59098
Nail on the head. The "enough" part is what counts. I've heard that stuff from exes, even "I still love you but Im confused(love that one:rolleyes:), or "I need time to think/need space"(ditto with the :rolleyes:). My answer, crass though it is? "Ok then who are you banging? Who are you waking up with and planning things with? Not me? Oh right so..." Sums it up for me.5 months and counting. im still madly in love with him. It doesnt help that we see each other once or twice a week either or that he tells me "i mean so much to him".. maybe i do just not enough!
Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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It being Friday and such a fabulous day I find that I am missing him more as it gets nearer to 5pm - because on beautiful days like today and hopefully tomorrow we would have taken a drive to the beach and gone for a stroll - I am telling myself don't pick up the phone....
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Nail on the head. The "enough" part is what counts.
It's the enough part that keeps me strong to be honest.. it's the reason i finished it. I can't make him love me. Someone will eventually so it's all good/It being Friday and such a fabulous day I find that I am missing him more as it gets nearer to 5pm - because on beautiful days like today and hopefully tomorrow we would have taken a drive to the beach and gone for a stroll - I am telling myself don't pick up the phone....
Dont do it!!! you will regret it. I was like you texting him when i felt down. My friend got dumped by her boyfriend of 3 years and she was totally heartbroken over it, but from the day they broke up she cut contact.. never text him nothing and she is so much stronger for it. to be honest shes my hero.
You can do it.. go to the beach or for a stroll it's still a gorgeous day with or without him xxx 0 -
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I'd agree. I suspect if I had had strangers on the interweb to rant with when I went through the two biggies it would have been a weight off. As far as the emotional trauma, for me anyway it was pretty harsh. I've buried mates and family and that was truly horrible, but more acute, heartbreak keeps on giving for longer. It's defo up there with bereavement.
I think its because the dead dont leave you on purpose so it doesnt filter in to affect your trust on the living. Plus they leave everybody, not just you.0 -
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metrovelvet wrote: »I think its because the dead dont leave you on purpose so it doesnt filter in to affect your trust on the living. Plus they leave everybody, not just you.
My ex did leave on purpose but after two years Im finally understanding why! Ill never fully get over him but I will learn to move on!
I went through his death on my own because my "friends" were to wrapped up in their own lives to help me! My family were great but didnt understand!
One of these days I will find someone who gets me like he did but it will be a totally different relationship! I will be able to let him go then I hope 
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princess-lala wrote: »My ex did leave on purpose but after two years Im finally understanding why! Ill never fully get over him but I will learn to move on!
I went through his death on my own because my "friends" were to wrapped up in their own lives to help me! My family were great but didnt understand!
One of these days I will find someone who gets me like he did but it will be a totally different relationship! I will be able to let him go then I hope
That must have been so incredibly lonely.
Its much harder when no one understands, but at the same time how can they? So the kindness people show when they dont understand takes a kind of bravery, a lot of people feel so incompetent when they dont understand they run away for fear of making things worse.
You may never find someone who gets you, but that's ok.
I think in bereavement you can hold onto someone because you feel guiltiy letting them go... or at least I did...I felt for a long time to get over it completely [I lost family to death... never lost a boyfriend that way.. sometimes I wish I did:D] would be a betrayal...but not so.0 -
I think you have to go through a year at least. Because there are times of the year that suddenly hit you like bank holiday weekends/Christmas/ birthdays and you think you're doing fine and then suddenly some date approaches and you start thinking 'this time last year....'. Places will remind you of your ex as well and you might not be prepared for the depth of emotion that takes over just by visiting a pub or some town you might have done a weekend break with your ex.
Heartbreak is awful. I was heartbroken for about two years I'd say! If someone had told me that at the beginning I don't know how I would have coped. But I guess I had to be that way. I can't tell you when I stopped being heartbroken but one day I just realised 'hey, it doesn't matter anymore when people mention his name or when I see something that reminds me of him".
The saddest part of it all is that I lost trust in myself and my judgement like other posters on this thread. I got over the ex after two years but the distrust has lasted much longer. I've only started putting myself out there again in the last year or two (We broke up over five years ago). I was so scared of being hurt again. I really felt like i hadn't coped very well and I was afraid that if something similar happened again that my reaction would be even worse - that I would have serious health problems, depression etc Sometimes I think I must be the most sensitive soul in the world. I really don't know how people can jump from one relationship to another.
I started doing night classes and getting involved in new things. It built my confidence no-end. I've travelled the world on my own. Around this time all my friends were settling down and getting married and having children. It's very lonely. I've met a few men but nothing beyond two or three dates. When I look back on it now, I'm actually really proud of myself. I managed to keep getting up in the morning and face the world with a smile on my face through all of this.
I really wouldn't want to be one of those people who has to be in a relationship to feel socially capable. I'm in my mid 30s and I've seen a real desperation in some of the women around me (and men for that matter), who settle for their OHs. A lot of my friends have changed since settling down. They're very controlling and they're very scared of being on their own. I'd hate to have that fear more than what I've been through.
I've learned so much in the last five years. I've meet so many people and had so many positive experiences. I've travelled the world and made more new friends in my thirties than I did in my twenties. Everything I own and I've achieved, I've done it on my own, not just financially but mentally as well. I also believe I'm way more open-minded and empathetic, than I would have been, if life had gone like I had hoped it would.
I'd love to meet someone, but I'd be very cautious. I want to be with someone on equal terms for both of us. I haven't met that guy yet....but I'm in a really good place now so I'm ready, which, for me is a big step! I've even been rejected since and haven fallen to pieces over it!
Anyway OP...you'll get there. Its great that you can already communicate how you feel. It took me a long time to even understand what I was feeling.
Good luck and I hope all you heartbroken people have a speedy recovery!! 0 -
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I've been following this thread but haven't been posting much, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me before Christmas. I talked about it loads for months but I think I'm at the stage where I'm all talked out, doing any more would drag it all up again so I haven't been posting.
But when I'm having a bad day for no apparent reason (like today) and and the world seems to made up of happy couples enjoying the sunshine and all you can think of is all the good times you had, it's so nice to be able to come here and see that there are other people in the same boat and there is (eventually!) light at the end of the tunnel. Friends and family have been great but people expect you to get over it so quickly, it's so reassuring when people on here acknowlegde that it takes time and it's not strange that I still have bad days!
So thanks to all of you who make it a bit less lonely!
You poor thing Lady Lala. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. You do notice way more happy couples when you've just broken up and it can hurt.....but then they just become annoying
+1 to people around you expecting you to move on at their 'pace' as opposed to your 'pace'. You can imagine how freaked out my family and friends are five years later!!:D My advice would be you have to be true to yourself. If you're not up to it you'll know yourself, there's no shame. People will start telling you about friends of theirs who've met people speed dating or online dating. They'll tell you that there's loads of men at this club or that organisation. Sometimes you feel such a pressure to do these things just to keep other people happy!
Keep yourself healthy most of all, keep on top of stuff financially and maybe take on something new, (not to meet other men as people will suggest to you) but something for yourself. You need people to see you as you and not a part of the couple you were. By taking on something new - it will be your little achievement, your thing, something that you can look back on and see that you can do things on your own. You're not going to feel like this forever. At some point, you'll be ready and confident in yourself and you want to make sure that you're physically and financially ready to take on life by the bull horns and do everything that you've been dreaming of!0 -
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Exactly, in a way I know that some positives have come out of the break up cos I've tried new things and met new people. I've probably grown in confidence too as it's the first time I've really been single as an adult, I've always gone from one long term relationsip to another. But what's frustrating is people presuming that I'm doing new things just to meet men! I'm sick of being asked if I've "any news" after every night out - give me a chance and let me focus on myself for a while!!
Good for you!
Oh God that 'any news' crap is so annoying and really insensitive as well! It actually makes you feel fifty times worse cos you have to go 'no - (nobody wants me)':D I was sitting in a pub the other night and my friend told me there was a man sitting at another table who looked at me....I was like, what, should I go over to him and tell him I'm single and it makes you uncomfortable!!' 
In the earlier days I actually did a lot of the crap things that my friends suggested and they were awful, because I wasn't ready. I'd end up feeling doubly rejected because I didn't meet anyone I was interested in or who was interested in me. Talk about making matters 100 times worse! :eek:
But that doesn't last forever. One of my biggest milestones was doing online dating over a year ago, being rejected, and not giving a sh*t! Liberating!! 0 -
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I'm really getting sick of people expecting me to move on at their pace. I'm doing my best, and honestly I'm really proud of myself, but I'm so sick of people saying "I don't understand why you still talk about wanting him back", or "I can't believe you still haven't let go of him", or "Go out tonight and meet someone new". Em, it's been 3 weeks. I'll get there in my own damn time, and in the meantime, if I want to fantasise about being back with him, I fecking well will.
Am I reading this right.. ? you broke up with someone three weeks ago, and people are on your case about it? :eek:
If so I don't know how you have lost all reason with whoever said that, very insensitive tbh 0 -
I'm really getting sick of people expecting me to move on at their pace. I'm doing my best, and honestly I'm really proud of myself, but I'm so sick of people saying "I don't understand why you still talk about wanting him back", or "I can't believe you still haven't let go of him", or "Go out tonight and meet someone new". Em, it's been 3 weeks. I'll get there in my own damn time, and in the meantime, if I want to fantasise about being back with him, I fecking well will.
I can't believe you're getting that after three weeks! At that stage it's hard enough to just try to function normally - eat, sleep, concentrate at work/college. You should be proud of yourself! Just don't feel pressured into rushing things because of what people say, you have to deal with all the crap feelings eventually so I think pretending you're over it now just delays having to deal with all the hard stuff.
Oh God that 'any news' crap is so annoying and really insensitive as well! It actually makes you feel fifty times worse cos you have to go 'no - (nobody wants me)':D
+ 1 million!0 -
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Faith wrote:I'm really getting sick of people expecting me to move on at their pace. I'm doing my best, and honestly I'm really proud of myself, but I'm so sick of people saying "I don't understand why you still talk about wanting him back", or "I can't believe you still haven't let go of him", or "Go out tonight and meet someone new". Em, it's been 3 weeks. I'll get there in my own damn time, and in the meantime, if I want to fantasise about being back with him, I fecking well will.
Exactly. When the people you expect to be on the level with you jump at you and push you it's very disheartening indeed. Sometimes you may even have to take a step back and ask why they're acting in such a way and re-evaluate the type of person they are.Am I reading this right.. ? you broke up with someone three weeks ago, and people are on your case about it? :eek:
If so I don't know how you have lost all reason with whoever said that, very insensitive tbh0 -
metrovelvet wrote: »That must have been so incredibly lonely.
What doesnt kill you makes you stronger 0 -
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I have a love / hate relationship with this saying. It seems to be a nice thing to say, and it seems like it makes perfect sense to say to someone, but its shit to hear back when you're in the hot seatprincess-lala wrote: »What doesnt kill you makes you stronger
I'd never use it.
At which point they should be warned off nicely to back off.Exactly. When the people you expect to be on the level with you jump at you and push you it's very disheartening indeed.Sometimes you may even have to take a step back and ask why they're acting in such a way and re-evaluate the type of person they are.
While I can understand your point, it can be quite tempting to give 'helpful' friends a right dressing down. I think a back-off warning is best, because at the end of the day when you break up with someone you do need to ensure you maintain a good social life and be near your friends, regardless of how unappealing getting back on the single scene is.
It could be that these 'unhelpful' friends care a lot, and hate to see their friend suffering. Saying the right thing doesn't come naturally to some, but it doesn't mean they don't care. That said it would be nice to not have to listen to some recylcled lines when you feel like shit.
If I was Faith I would have nipped that in the bud from the get go, and nicely told them that they weren't helping.0 -
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