how long did it take you to get over ex

lazygal

I think Ryan Tubridy talked about this recently.
One guest said its easier when a partner dies because people know how to sympathise and give you time and help to grieve but when its a break up they say things like plenty more fish in the sea, you can do better etc. Imagine saying that to a grieving widow or widower! I think a break up is like a bereavement because you are still mourning a loss. I think people think they are being helpful when telling you to get out there and meet somone else but they would never say that to a women whose boyfriend had just died, they'd be telling her to take her time and work through her feelings.
My 2c!

Kiera

It took about a week to get over my last ex (of 5 years) took a lot longer with my first love.

smileysurfer

Im still trying to get over my ex,..since August! Its getting easier but I still think about him all the time. He was my first love so apparently thats the hardest break up you ever have to go through.
Time heals ...lots and lots of time it seems! :rolleyes:

Bonito

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

Snoopy1

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

No it does not work. I was dating a guy for 5 weeks, finally started to feel better about myself. Got dumped today by text message.
Feel like absolute s**t now

Wibbs

Bonito wrote: »

There. That's better.

:pac::pac:

Wibbs

Snoopy1 wrote: »

No it does not work. I was dating a guy for 5 weeks, finally started to feel better about myself. Got dumped today by text message.
Feel like absolute s**t now

Ahh jayzuz Thats harsh :mad::(

Bonito

Snoopy1 wrote: »

No it does not work. I was dating a guy for 5 weeks, finally started to feel better about myself. Got dumped today by text message.
Feel like absolute s**t now

How long was your relationship before this and how long were you broken up? I'm sure you said it already in the thread, sorry, I'm just curious.

If he dumped you by text he never deserved you in the 1st place. Bury him along with his number. *hugs*

Snoopy1

Broke up with my ex of 6 years in January, we were due to get married in October.
This was my first attempt at dating agin. It took a lot of courage to even meet this guy, and now my confidence is at rock bottom now.
I onloy moved to Ireland to be with ex, so now im living alone, no friends, and feeling very low

Bonito

Wow that's hard going! If anyone is deserving of hugs it's definitely you! Dust him off he clearly had no regard for your feelings! Take it easy and pick yourself back up. Sure, what's the rush?

Penny Dreadful

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

Nope. Tried it, started to like the guy, he was freaked out by the newness of my break up, went home for Christmas met a girl he'd liked for ages and I was informed of this via text message.
Sex was great though

Bonito

What's with the texting?!!! Can they not grow a pair and at least make a phone call?!

Snoopy1

I'm suprised i got a text to be honest.
He spent the last two weeks not texting or calling.
Im an idiot for getting upset, but it still hurts!!!

Bonito

Maybe you were hurt because you were relaying feelings that were already there on this breakup? I'd rather hear of a girl that gets hurt upon a breakup and is willing to take chances when they're over it rather than a girl who can just decide to emotionally detach herself from showing/feeling anything towards a new partner because of ex's.

BTW you're not an idiot! Nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and have someone there!

Penny Dreadful

Bonito wrote: »

What's with the texting?!!! Can they not grow a pair and at least make a phone call?!

That was my attitude too. I mean we're all grown ups, I'm 32 and this guy is 33. Initially I replied with a text along the lines of "well you were only a bit of fun anyway" type text. Then a few days later, knowing that I'd be seeing him again anyway in a whole other setting and not wanting that to be awkward, I decided to phone him and ask him to meet up to sort things out properly.
He was a bit shocked but agreed and called over to my house. It was then that he told me about the new girl (although I think that has since gone down the toilet) and also said that he was really freaked by my recent break up and couldn't deal with that.

metrovelvet

Wibbs wrote: »

I dunno. I wish I had that capability. It seems I have it less than most. In love just twice. 12 year + gap between them. 5 years since the last one. Can't see me going down that road again somehow. I compare it to religious faith. Its not intellectual as such. one either has it or doesnt. Or loses it and ends up outside of it in a way. So while I see and applaud others having faith in love and relationships I dont have the required faith, if you know what I mean? /end weird analogy

That's a sign of a very healthy ego. Supposedly the weaker your ego the more easily you fall in love. Given the early heady haze is about the collapse of the ego I suppose that makes sense. Maybe yours is a little too healthy?:) Or maybe a little too clever.

Anyway, I do know what you mean. ITs hard to get on the flight when you know there has to be a crash and burn sometime; its just a matter of time before you come out of the rubble to look for the black box and examine how it all went wrong, only to discover you havent got a clue, like the last plane crash.

I empathise with edward scissorhands when winona says "hold me" and he spreads his razor fiingers with look of sadness and says "I can't."

Bonito

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

He was a bit shocked but agreed and called over to my house. It was then that he told me about the new girl (although I think that has since gone down the toilet) and also said that he was really freaked by my recent break up and couldn't deal with that.

Make sure not to leave yourself available to him a second time. He had his chance! Would he rather you lied about your past relationship? I'd admire the honesty.

Penny Dreadful

Bonito wrote: »

Make sure not to leave yourself available to him a second time. He had his chance! Would he rather you lied about your past relationship? I'd admire the honesty.

Thank you:) Other people have told me that I was far too honest about this and how could I expect anything to start with someone else if they knew this information. My way of thinking was that how on earth could something start (and endure) if it began with a lie, albeit a lie of omission.
What did surprise me I will admit,is that I told him that I wasn't really looking for a full on new boyfriend and that if we were to begin anything it would have to be on an easy more casual footing, you know, a movie here and there a few drinks etc and we'd see how it went. Again I thought it good to let him know that right there and then I was pretty limited in how much of myself I could offer to anyone rather than lead anyone on.

The really funny (and not funny ha ha) thing about his backing off from all of that is that he had only just finished telling me that he was only after getting his head straight after a bad break up himself, wasn't really in a place to commit to anything serious etc etc and wanted only to have fun. I thought given that and my rather limited ability to jump into another relationship that we were both on the same page. I dunno:(

ibarelycare

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

Yes and no. It can help to go out and kiss some boys and have some fun if you're in the right frame of mind. However you're also in a very vulnerable place, so you can easily find yourself getting easily attached, just because you feel a bit lonely. I'm at the stage where I don't want to, or don't even think I'd be able to "date" someone....however if I was out and gave a guy my number and heard nothing I'd be like "Why???"

Sometimes you just miss the cuddles

ibarelycare

metrovelvet wrote: »

That's a sign of a very healthy ego. Supposedly the weaker your ego the more easily you fall in love. Given the early heady haze is about the collapse of the ego I suppose that makes sense. Maybe yours is a little too healthy?:) Or maybe a little too clever.

Anyway, I do know what you mean. ITs hard to get on the flight when you know there has to be a crash and burn sometime; its just a matter of time before you come out of the rubble to look for the black box and examine how it all went wrong, only to discover you havent got a clue, like the last plane crash.

I empathise with edward scissorhands when winona says "hold me" and he spreads his razor fiingers with look of sadness and says "I can't."

:eek: That's so deep! I must re-watch that movie...

Novella

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

I don't think hopping under someone else works. I once ended things with a guy after two years or so and a few days later, started sleeping with a friend. I sort of just replaced the gap I'd created in my life, but never gave myself any time to realise that there didn't have to be a gap there at all.
I think I sort of thought I needed to have someone who'd hold me and all that stuff, but then one day I realised he wasn't holding me, he was just using me for sex.
That was good though. I'd been depending on different guys to make my life better since I was really quite young. Hopping from one to another, 'cause I couldn't stand the thought of being alone.

Sleeping with someone else will distract you for a bit, sure, but eventually I think you just have to deal with the hurt.

g'em

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

I think it depends how you approach the situation. I had an absolutely awful break-up late last year - really, really shítty, Jeremy Kyle sort of stuff - but I had a fling over Christmas (we both knew that's all it was, I think we were both using each other for company over the Christmas holiday) and it definitely helped to distract me for a while. It didn't make coping with the actual break-up any easier, but it just kept me occupied for a bit and stopped my mind from going a bit loopy.

Wibbs has a wonderful term for these kinds of tête-à-tête's, he once described them as a "defibrillator fling" - they're not serious and there's nothing long-term about them, but they help re-start your heart after it's been smashed to pieces after a messy split!

Bonito

Ok so at the time they're good but in the long run all they're doing is holding your break up time on pause and it doesn't make the time any shorter/easier of getting over the pain caused by the breakup?

Penny Dreadful

Bonito wrote: »

Ok so at the time they're good but in the long run all they're doing is holding your break up time on pause and it doesn't make the time any shorter/easier of getting over the pain caused by the breakup?

Thats it exactly. Well for me anyway. I was so distracted by the other new guy and the fun thrill of him looking at me that way blah blah blah. Then when it went nowhere and I was astounded, how could this have happened to me a second time? It opened the flood gates for all of my pent up feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, isolation, loss of sense of self, etc etc.
I went for rekki yesterday and while I'm not sure it has done/ will do anything to help in a major sense and I've rather emotional since it I made a decision today to talk to a counsellor and try to get my head straight. I opted to go back to the same place that my ex and I had been to prior to our ultimate break up. I think it is good because the counsellor met my ex and hopefully will have a broader sense of where I am coming from and there is a pre existing relationship with us so I'm not starting from scratch again with the counselling. Fingers crossed, cause I really need to get past this all consuming feeling.

Novella

Bonito wrote: »

Ok so at the time they're good but in the long run all they're doing is holding your break up time on pause and it doesn't make the time any shorter/easier of getting over the pain caused by the breakup?

I don't actually know.
I mean, it's a nice wee distraction 'cause I think the hardest part of a break up is that "Oh sh!t, I'm alone, who am I gonna talk to in bed at night" etc. thing. If you fill the void with someone else, it does undoubtably make things easier.

I'm not sure if the problem with people a lot of the time is that they miss the person they've broken up with, or if they actually just miss the company, the way having an OH affected their lives.
Ime, (limited and all as it is, but oh well!) many people are more concerned with what having another person in their life does for them. Ask a few people why they love their bf/gf - "He/she makes me feel so good" and so on. Wonderful. If you look at things that way, I think it makes the hopping into bed with someone else easier to understand.

So many people are in relationships for what it does for them. People are all me, me, me. What am I getting out of this. When there is a break up, I think many feel a kind of, "Uh-oh, now my routine is fcuked, we always had lazy Sundays in bed" so they just throw another body into the equation and everything is cool.

Sure, some break up's are genuinely difficult and there is missing the person but imo, there's a lot of plain old "I cannot be alone so anyone will do at this point" going on.

Penny Dreadful

Novella wrote: »

I don't actually know.
I mean, it's a nice wee distraction 'cause I think the hardest part of a break up is that "Oh sh!t, I'm alone, who am I gonna talk to in bed at night" etc. thing. If you fill the void with someone else, it does undoubtably make things easier.

I'm not sure if the problem with people a lot of the time is that they miss the person they've broken up with, or if they actually just miss the company, the way having an OH affected their lives.
Ime, (limited and all as it is, but oh well!) many people are more concerned with what having another person in their life does for them. Ask a few people why they love their bf/gf - "He/she makes me feel so good" and so on. Wonderful. If you look at things that way, I think it makes the hopping into bed with someone else easier to understand.

So many people are in relationships for what it does for them. People are all me, me, me. What am I getting out of this. When there is a break up, I think many feel a kind of, "Uh-oh, now my routine is fcuked, we always had lazy Sundays in bed" so they just throw another body into the equation and everything is cool.

Sure, some break up's are genuinely difficult and there is missing the person but imo, there's a lot of plain old "I cannot be alone so anyone will do at this point" going on.

This is true and not true at the same time. I spent the last two years or so of my relationship turning myself inside out and upside down for my boyfriend. I was putting myself second to his wishes and desires and inability and unwillingness to face up to life all of the time. He wasn't putting me before anything at all, if I was second then I was doing well.

Yes when we broke up I missed how having someone desire me made me feel and the confidence that this can give to you and so sleeping with that other guy so fast at least made me see that I was still attractive to other people and that when I was ready there would be life after my all too recent ex. It wasn't about being alone and having a routine with this new guy (we were hardly together long enough for that) it was an assurance that I was still a person in my own right, a whole person, not half of a broken twosome.

Novella

Exactly. You needed the reassurance from another person. You needed another person to help make you feel how you wanted to feel. That was my whole point.

Cookie Jar

Bonito wrote: »

Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

Tbh it has worked for me on a few separate occasions.

Penny Dreadful

Novella wrote: »

Exactly. You needed the reassurance from another person. You needed another person to help make you feel how you wanted to feel. That was my whole point.

I suppose I was addressing the point of finiding yourself post breakup rather than just feeling like you are not enough alone and so couple up with anyone as a boy/girlfriend. Yes, sleeping with the other guy helped me feel like a still desirable attractive woman when everything I thought was shattered. However, I didn't sleep with him to make him my boyfriend because I couldn't bear the thoughts of being alone. To be honest, while he was pretty hot and a sure thing as far as the sex end of things went, he was not ever the kind of guy that I'd see a future with and I know that he just didn't get me.

Snoopy1

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Thats it exactly. Well for me anyway. I was so distracted by the other new guy and the fun thrill of him looking at me that way blah blah blah. Then when it went nowhere and I was astounded, how could this have happened to me a second time? It opened the flood gates for all of my pent up feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, isolation, loss of sense of self, etc etc.

This is what happened to me. Was so distracted by the new guy, didnt really have to think about my original break up. I opened up my heart way too easily, and told him a lot of stuff. Now its over im thinking to myself it must be because of me that he dumped me. I feel worse now, thean i did over my initial long term break up. I feel soo low, and have lost all my confidence i was starting to get back