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how long did it take you to get over ex

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    #152
    Penny Dreadful
    Registered Users Posts: 3,041 ✭✭✭Penny Dreadful


    Snoopy1 wrote: »
    This is what happened to me. Was so distracted by the new guy, didnt really have to think about my original break up. I opened up my heart way too easily, and told him a lot of stuff. Now its over im thinking to myself it must be because of me that he dumped me. I feel worse now, thean i did over my initial long term break up. I feel soo low, and have lost all my confidence i was starting to get back

    Bad dark day today all round for us Snoopy eh?


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    #153
    Abi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    Everyone deals with a break up differently, whether its to suffer alone or latch onto someone to ease the pain. However, neither reaction is gender specific, nor wrong. Deal with it whichever way helps to piece you back together, and as Wibbs put it - 'reset your heart'.


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    #154
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I'd love to think that I could go out and bring a random guy home and not get attached. But I don't think I could, at least not for another while. I'd just be trying to replace my ex, and I'd expect the guy to do everything my ex used.

    At the moment I genuinely feel queazy when I think about doing stuff with another guy too. I have this image in my head that it would be like that scene in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' where he starts crying after his first one night stand!


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    #155
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Faith wrote: »
    ...and I'd expect the guy to do everything my ex used.

    That's not necessarily a bad thing, being surprised and delighted when he doesn't do the things that annoyed you about your ex is quite refreshing and helps the healing process. :)

    I don't really expect very much from rebound relationships in the longer term but they have been very useful in helping me to see that life goes on, other men have wonderful qualities and probably most importantly, it stopped me spending so much time on my own missing "us" that I didn't have the opportunity to turn him and our relationship into some rose tinted wonderfulness that it hadn't really been - something I was certainly guilty of after other break ups.


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    #156
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    That's not necessarily a bad thing, being surprised and delighted when he doesn't do the things that annoyed you about your ex is quite refreshing and helps the healing process. :)

    Oh absolutely, and that's something I look forward too. But I forgot to add that I'd probably get really hurt and upset if I didn't hear from him again. I'm too raw now to be able to be emotionally detached. But I look forward to kicking a guy out of my bed in the middle of the night once I'm ready :).
    I don't really expect very much from rebound relationships in the longer term but they have been very useful in helping me to see that life goes on, other men have wonderful qualities and probably most importantly, it stopped me spending so much time on my own missing "us" that I didn't have the opportunity to turn him and our relationship into some rose tinted wonderfulness that it hadn't really been - something I was certainly guilty of after other break ups.

    This is something I'm trying not to do too. I go through phases; some days all I can think about are the good times we had, but other days I'm much more practical and can clearly see that there was an equal amount of bad in the last few months. I'm hoping for more of the latter days!


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    #157
    Penny Dreadful
    Registered Users Posts: 3,041 ✭✭✭Penny Dreadful


    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    That's not necessarily a bad thing, being surprised and delighted when he doesn't do the things that annoyed you about your ex is quite refreshing and helps the healing process. :)

    I don't really expect very much from rebound relationships in the longer term but they have been very useful in helping me to see that life goes on, other men have wonderful qualities and probably most importantly, it stopped me spending so much time on my own missing "us" that I didn't have the opportunity to turn him and our relationship into some rose tinted wonderfulness that it hadn't really been - something I was certainly guilty of after other break ups.

    I second this. While I am still in the "arrrghh" place one good thing about the rebound sex I had was that it wasn't weird to be with another man in that way. It was nice to explore someone elses body and have sex in a totally differnt way with them. It showed me that when I am finally ready I can have some kind of meaningful physical relationship with someone else and like it for what it is and not compare it to the one I had with my ex.


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    #158
    Snoopy1
    Registered Users Posts: 4,185 ✭✭✭Snoopy1


    I was the opposite. Was so used to being with ex, that when i went with someone new, i was really paranoid about my wobbly bits and didnt enjoy it at all!!!!


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    #159
    smileysurfer
    Registered Users Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭smileysurfer


    Bonito wrote: »
    Serious question for the girls here. Does the attitude of "To get over a man just get under another one" work and has anyone ever done it to try and heal the pain of a breakup?

    No not in my experience, its a distraction but once that ends your back to feeling heart broken. Think we need to get over these things ourselves first on our own. Sucks but true!


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    #160
    Clare Bear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,613 ✭✭✭✭Clare Bear


    2 long, painful, miserable years. Fcuker! :mad:

    I guess I'm still bitter then :D


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    #161
    Piste
    Registered Users Posts: 11,440 ✭✭✭✭Piste


    This thread is equal parts sad and comforting


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    #162
    Snoopy1
    Registered Users Posts: 4,185 ✭✭✭Snoopy1


    It would have been our 7 year anniversary today :(


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    #163
    shoes34
    Registered Users Posts: 620 ✭✭✭shoes34


    Oh Snoopy1 try and organise some nice things with your girlfriends to take your mind off the day, with it being such lovely weather, how about a walk on the beach and some cool beers afterwards. Hope it gets better.


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    #164
    ShagNastii
    Registered Users Posts: 4,823 ✭✭✭ShagNastii


    Piste wrote: »
    This thread is equal parts sad and comforting

    Yep and it is sad in equal parts aswell. In the sense we're all "sad" for babbling on an internet forum about our ex's, and "sad" that deep down a good few of us seems genuinely heartbroken. :(


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    #165
    Bonito
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,399 ✭✭✭Bonito


    ShagNastii wrote: »
    Yep and it is sad in equal parts aswell. In the sense we're all "sad" for babbling on an internet forum about our ex's, and "sad" that deep down a good few of us seems genuinely heartbroken. :(
    I don't think it's sad. I know women tend to talk about their feelings more than men but even men have put in on this thread how they're feeling. No harm in sharing stories and helping out with comforting each other. :)

    Some people find it easier to confide in strangers than people they know. For example you'd be more likely to see a counselor that you didn't know as opposed to one you'd know personally. No matter how good their professional reputation is compared to the other counselor.


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    #166
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,107 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Bonito wrote: »
    I don't think it's sad. I know women tend to talk about their feelings more than men but even men have put in on this thread how they're feeling. No harm in sharing stories and helping out with comforting each other. :)
    I'd agree. I suspect if I had had strangers on the interweb to rant with when I went through the two biggies it would have been a weight off. As far as the emotional trauma, for me anyway it was pretty harsh. I've buried mates and family and that was truly horrible, but more acute, heartbreak keeps on giving :) for longer. It's defo up there with bereavement.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #167
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Wibbs wrote: »
    I'd agree. I suspect if I had had strangers on the interweb to rant with when I went through the two biggies it would have been a weight off. As far as the emotional trauma, for me anyway it was pretty harsh. I've buried mates and family and that was truly horrible, but more acute, heartbreak keeps on giving :) for longer. It's defo up there with bereavement.

    The internet has helped me a huge amount over the last few weeks. If it wasn't for here, I don't know how I'd have gotten through things. There are a few wonderful women here who've given me more comfort and advice than I could ever imagined. They've held my virtual hand all the way. My mum gave out to me recently for living a "virtual life", saying it was bad for me, but that couldn't be further from the truth right now. I can freely cry when writing my posts here; I'd feel stupid bawling crying in front of friends repeatedly in the real world.

    I'm starting to come to terms with things now, and I owe so much of that to boards.

    As for a break up being like a bereavement, it completely is. I described it to a friend in the early days as, "It's like he's died, but only to me. Everyone else gets to keep going as normal, seeing him, hanging out with him, talking to him. It's like he's died, only worse because he's still there but i'm the only one not allowed to be in his life". And at least when someone actually dies, you know that's it, you're never going to see them again. But when you've been dumped, you don't get that kind of closure, and I think most people spend a long time trying to figure out how to get the person back. That's probably the worst part: The niggling hope that they'll come grovelling back to you any day now.


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    #168
    MissIT
    Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭MissIT


    5 months and counting. im still madly in love with him. It doesnt help that we see each other once or twice a week either or that he tells me "i mean so much to him".. maybe i do just not enough!

    It's not so bad now though I can actually function again and I do enjoy myself without him being there. And I am onlly 20 so surely I'll find someone I feel that close to again :)!

    I did try the whole hooking up with other people thing but as soon as someone even hints they want anything remotely serious I run a mile. I think I need to be happy to be on my own and get my confidence back before Ido anything else.


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    #169
    Snoopy1
    Registered Users Posts: 4,185 ✭✭✭Snoopy1


    shoes34 wrote: »
    Oh Snoopy1 try and organise some nice things with your girlfriends to take your mind off the day, with it being such lovely weather, how about a walk on the beach and some cool beers afterwards. Hope it gets better.


    Working all weekend, so no drink for me


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    #170
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,107 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    MissIT wrote: »
    5 months and counting. im still madly in love with him. It doesnt help that we see each other once or twice a week either or that he tells me "i mean so much to him".. maybe i do just not enough!
    Nail on the head. The "enough" part is what counts. I've heard that stuff from exes, even "I still love you but Im confused(love that one:rolleyes:), or "I need time to think/need space"(ditto with the :rolleyes:). My answer, crass though it is? "Ok then who are you banging? Who are you waking up with and planning things with? Not me? Oh right so..." Sums it up for me. :D

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #171
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,107 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Faith wrote: »
    The internet has helped me a huge amount over the last few weeks. If it wasn't for here, I don't know how I'd have gotten through things. There are a few wonderful women here who've given me more comfort and advice than I could ever imagined. They've held my virtual hand all the way. My mum gave out to me recently for living a "virtual life", saying it was bad for me, but that couldn't be further from the truth right now. I can freely cry when writing my posts here; I'd feel stupid bawling crying in front of friends repeatedly in the real world.
    Funny though I said its a pity it wasnt around for me in the past Im not so sure Id let it out here or somewhere similar if it had been. I usually go into helping others mode. That I find helps me anyway. More than helping myself if that makes any sense?

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #172
    shoes34
    Registered Users Posts: 620 ✭✭✭shoes34


    It being Friday and such a fabulous day I find that I am missing him more as it gets nearer to 5pm - because on beautiful days like today and hopefully tomorrow we would have taken a drive to the beach and gone for a stroll - I am telling myself don't pick up the phone....:confused:


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    #173
    MissIT
    Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭MissIT


    Wibbs wrote: »
    Nail on the head. The "enough" part is what counts.

    It's the enough part that keeps me strong to be honest.. it's the reason i finished it. I can't make him love me. Someone will eventually so it's all good/
    shoes34 wrote: »
    It being Friday and such a fabulous day I find that I am missing him more as it gets nearer to 5pm - because on beautiful days like today and hopefully tomorrow we would have taken a drive to the beach and gone for a stroll - I am telling myself don't pick up the phone....:confused:

    Dont do it!!! you will regret it. I was like you texting him when i felt down. My friend got dumped by her boyfriend of 3 years and she was totally heartbroken over it, but from the day they broke up she cut contact.. never text him nothing and she is so much stronger for it. to be honest shes my hero.

    You can do it.. go to the beach or for a stroll it's still a gorgeous day with or without him :) xxx


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    #174
    Snoopy1
    Registered Users Posts: 4,185 ✭✭✭Snoopy1


    To be honest you girls on boards have helped me so much. I dont think i would have coped if i didnt have my virtual life.
    Its a sad state of life that i have more virtual friends than i do real life ones


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    #175
    Bonito
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,399 ✭✭✭Bonito


    Snoopy1 wrote: »
    To be honest you girls on boards have helped me so much. I dont think i would have coped if i didnt have my virtual life.
    Its a sad state of life that i have more virtual friends than i do real life ones

    Ahem! *flutters eyelashes* :pac:


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    #176
    Novella
    Registered Users Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    I dunno. I think it's kinda nice that so many people find a wee vent on the internet helps them. It's good that people are coming into TLL and finding the support they need to get through a tough period in their lives. Often, it's a lot easier to say how you're really feeling from behind your screen, or even better, to loads of strangers, than it is to open up to people you know.

    Personally, I'd say I'm more of a thinker at the time. I'm not likely to be found posting that I'm heartbroken etc., but when all's been said and done and when I've dealt with everything, I like being able to say, "Well, here's what happened to me....". It's just kind of nice to know that your experiences with something can help someone else and I guess you sort of become to closer to people by bonding over emotional trauma.


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    #177
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Novella wrote: »

    Personally, I'd say I'm more of a thinker at the time. I'm not likely to be found posting that I'm heartbroken etc., but when all's been said and done and when I've dealt with everything, I like being able to say, "Well, here's what happened to me....". It's just kind of nice to know that your experiences with something can help someone else and I guess you sort of become to closer to people by bonding over emotional trauma.

    The one thing that I'm happy about after this whole situation, is that when one of my friends goes through it, I can be there for them and say "When it happened to me..." etc. In the first week of my break up, I found huge comfort in a not-very-close friend of mine who'd gone through the exact same situation a few weeks before. My real-life friends are fantastic, but I'm the first to go through a heartbreak like this. So talking to someone who'd been there was immensely helpful.


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    #178
    Snoopy1
    Registered Users Posts: 4,185 ✭✭✭Snoopy1


    Bonito wrote: »
    Ahem! *flutters eyelashes* :pac:

    sorry. You boardsie's :D


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    #179
    nicegirl
    Registered Users Posts: 560 ✭✭✭nicegirl


    One of my ex's, it took me a year and a half to nearly 2 years to get over him. It absolutely destroyed me. Definately felt like a bereavement. I still think about him every so often


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    #180
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Wibbs wrote: »
    I'd agree. I suspect if I had had strangers on the interweb to rant with when I went through the two biggies it would have been a weight off. As far as the emotional trauma, for me anyway it was pretty harsh. I've buried mates and family and that was truly horrible, but more acute, heartbreak keeps on giving :) for longer. It's defo up there with bereavement.

    I think its because the dead dont leave you on purpose so it doesnt filter in to affect your trust on the living. Plus they leave everybody, not just you.


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    #181
    princess-lala
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30,731 ✭✭✭✭princess-lala


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    I think its because the dead dont leave you on purpose so it doesnt filter in to affect your trust on the living. Plus they leave everybody, not just you.

    My ex did leave on purpose but after two years Im finally understanding why! Ill never fully get over him but I will learn to move on!

    I went through his death on my own because my "friends" were to wrapped up in their own lives to help me! My family were great but didnt understand!

    One of these days I will find someone who gets me like he did but it will be a totally different relationship! I will be able to let him go then :D I hope :o


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