One-Liner Jokes

Just had to lie down, every time I close my eyes all I can see is Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. I think I was having a disney spell.

I told my wife that I had bought a trampoline instead of a new bed.

She hit the roof.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

What’s the key to a good postman joke?

The delivery.

My grief counsellor died last week.

Luckily he was so good I couldn't give a ****. 

On a first date I always talk about my obese pet penguin.

It's a good icebreaker.

What's blue and f**ks grannies?

Hypothermia

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I would never want to talk to again.

I don’t have an advent calendar so I’m just opening cupboard doors and eating whatever’s in there.

I just found out about recency bias, and I’d have to say that out of all the biases, it’s definitely my favourite.

Zebras have stripes so they arent spotted

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian

What what’s the psychiatric term for fear of Santa Claus? Claustrophobia