Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

One-Liner Jokes

Options
1184185187189190

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just had to lie down, every time I close my eyes all I can see is Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. I think I was having a disney spell.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,691 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    This is my stepladder.… I never knew my real ladder.



  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I told my wife that I had bought a trampoline instead of a new bed.

    She hit the roof.



  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What do you call a girl wearing camouflage?

    Heidi.



  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What did Cinderella say when the photolab lost her order?

    Some day my prints will come



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What’s the key to a good postman joke?

    The delivery.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,691 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Reminds me of the old -

    "They used to be called jumpolines until your mother tried one."



  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My grief counsellor died last week.

    Luckily he was so good I couldn't give a ****. 



  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not become ill?


    Jerry can.



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    On a first date I always talk about my obese pet penguin.


    It's a good icebreaker.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    It’s no surprise that there’s schools of fish considering there’s a University of Wales.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,691 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I thought the woman next door would be distraught when her husband left her in the middle of the night.

    But there she was the next morning out building a new patio.



  • Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭tikka16751




  • Registered Users Posts: 394 ✭✭scottser


    What's blue and f**ks grannies?

    Hypothermia



  • Registered Users Posts: 394 ✭✭scottser


    What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

    You don't have to pay €100 to have a lentil on your face.



  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.


     



    He’s now high on the list of people I would never want to talk to again.


     


     



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,119 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Doing crunches twice a day. Captain at 8am and Nestle at 5pm



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,119 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I don’t have an advent calendar so I’m just opening cupboard doors and eating whatever’s in there.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,119 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket???

    A pickpocket snatches watches.



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I just found out about recency bias, and I’d have to say that out of all the biases, it’s definitely my favourite.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, when my missus said "You really spoil those dogs!"





    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Zebras have stripes so they arent spotted

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My other grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,691 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why is it spelt camouflage and not



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?.......................................Virgin Mobile.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Me and my half brother aren't allowed to play with chainsaws anymore!


     



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What what’s the psychiatric term for fear of Santa Claus? Claustrophobia

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.


    I asked him, "Is it was working ok?"


    He said, "It's fine apart from a bit of crackling!"



Advertisement