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One-Liner Jokes

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    #5492
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I used to work for an indecisive football pitch design company, but left because they kept moving the goalposts 



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    #5493
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo


    We were so poor as kids we had to watch Multi Coloured Swap Shop on Black & White TV.



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    #5494
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    I got a new thesaurus last week. It’s nothing to write house about.



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    #5495
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,444 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    A preposition is a terrible way to end a sentence with.



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    #5496
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Thought CCTV was just a very positive Spanish TV Channel?



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    #5497
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a horror story in Braille........I have a feeling something bad is about to happen!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5498
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    He hated that she made moonshine, but he loved her still

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5499
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo


    This bloke said he was going to hit me with his guitar. 

     


    I said “is that a fret?”



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    #5500
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,803 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121171588#Comment_121171588

    Careful it might ... be sharp.



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    #5501
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have a book for sale on midwifery that I have finished with if anyone is interested... 


     


    I can deliver.



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    #5502
    toggle toes
    Registered Users Posts: 211 ✭✭toggle toes


    You might get a slot on the LLS to help flog it.



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    #5503
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?..........Re-Morse code.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5504
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,803 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121194816#Comment_121194816

    She was a telegraphist's daughter. She did it 'cos her dada did it.



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    #5505
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,278 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/jzux/status/1710298131978457525


    ...



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    #5506
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    At our school there was a teacher we used to call Daisy,because he was part time.

    Some Daisy turned up, some Daisy didn't.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5507
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A pear from liverpool has become the first ever piece of fruit to pass its driving test.


     


     


    The problem is,he doesn't avocado.



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    #5508
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I got a new thesaurus last week. It’s nothing to write house about.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5509
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,069 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Even the Spanish ambassador Manuel Labor would not take that job.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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    #5510
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Every morning I take my pet cow for a long walk in the local vineyard.


     


     


    I herd it through the grapevine



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    #5511
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,069 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    What do you call a young man who failed in his exams for entry to the priesthood..........................A clerical error.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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    #5512
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo


    There’s a strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich called Kevin. 



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    #5513
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo



    The seven dwarfs couldn't reach the tap to water the garden because of their high hose.



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    #5514
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 19,059 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    - What's that anti-chafing grease you put under your Tshirt when running marathons called?

    - Nipple-ease?

    - Oh sorry, "के त्यो एन्टि-चाफिंग ग्रीस हो जुन तपाईंले तपाईंको Tshirt अन्तर्गत राख्नुहुन्छ जब म्याराथन भनिन्छ?"



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    #5515
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo



    For Sale : Typewriter


     


    Perfet ondition



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    #5516
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,803 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Bruce Lee's Sister, Simone worked for a mobile phone company.



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    #5517
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I gave this girl a drink of my lemonade last night and she completely fell in love with me.

    I schwepped her right off her feet.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #5518
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,278 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Why was the man so in love with his parking warden wife?

    'cos she fine!



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    #5519
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,278 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/DocAtCDI/status/1714468850421379265


    ...



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    #5520
    Norteño
    Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭Norteño


    The pollen count.


    That's a difficult job.



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    #5521
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My Scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas from the internet.


     


     


    I asked him which website he saw them on and he replied,  "Google Earth!"..



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