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One-Liner Jokes

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  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I used to work for an indecisive football pitch design company, but left because they kept moving the goalposts 



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    We were so poor as kids we had to watch Multi Coloured Swap Shop on Black & White TV.



  • Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    I got a new thesaurus last week. It’s nothing to write house about.



  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,297 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    A preposition is a terrible way to end a sentence with.



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Thought CCTV was just a very positive Spanish TV Channel?



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a horror story in Braille........I have a feeling something bad is about to happen!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    He hated that she made moonshine, but he loved her still

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    This bloke said he was going to hit me with his guitar. 

     


    I said “is that a fret?”



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight




  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have a book for sale on midwifery that I have finished with if anyone is interested... 


     


    I can deliver.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 211 ✭✭toggle toes


    You might get a slot on the LLS to help flog it.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?..........Re-Morse code.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    She was a telegraphist's daughter. She did it 'cos her dada did it.



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,233 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    At our school there was a teacher we used to call Daisy,because he was part time.

    Some Daisy turned up, some Daisy didn't.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A pear from liverpool has become the first ever piece of fruit to pass its driving test.


     


     


    The problem is,he doesn't avocado.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I got a new thesaurus last week. It’s nothing to write house about.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,068 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Even the Spanish ambassador Manuel Labor would not take that job.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Every morning I take my pet cow for a long walk in the local vineyard.


     


     


    I herd it through the grapevine



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,068 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    What do you call a young man who failed in his exams for entry to the priesthood..........................A clerical error.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    There’s a strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich called Kevin. 



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo



    The seven dwarfs couldn't reach the tap to water the garden because of their high hose.



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,938 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    - What's that anti-chafing grease you put under your Tshirt when running marathons called?

    - Nipple-ease?

    - Oh sorry, "के त्यो एन्टि-चाफिंग ग्रीस हो जुन तपाईंले तपाईंको Tshirt अन्तर्गत राख्नुहुन्छ जब म्याराथन भनिन्छ?"



  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo



    For Sale : Typewriter


     


    Perfet ondition



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Bruce Lee's Sister, Simone worked for a mobile phone company.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I gave this girl a drink of my lemonade last night and she completely fell in love with me.

    I schwepped her right off her feet.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,233 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Why was the man so in love with his parking warden wife?

    'cos she fine!



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,233 ✭✭✭✭Victor




  • Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭Norteño


    The pollen count.


    That's a difficult job.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My Scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas from the internet.


     


     


    I asked him which website he saw them on and he replied,  "Google Earth!"..



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