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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5002
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I hired a handyman to do some work, and gave him a list of things to do


     


    When I got home he'd only done tasks 1,3,and 5


     


    Turned out he was an odd job man



  • #5003
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I couldn't sleep last night, so I read the dictionary;by 3am I was past caring....

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5004
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I’m opening a Wham! theme pub called ‘Club Tropiana’


     


     


    All that’s missing is the ‘c’.



  • #5005
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I ordered some German food online, the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5006
    TheBody
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,629 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Why did the chicken cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide.



  • #5007
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My therapist told me I can't identify my own emotions and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5008
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What does the titanic and the sixth sense have in common??


     


    Icey dead people



  • #5009
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    With the rise of self driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5010
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Necessity is the mother of Invention and there are lots of other people in that family with stupid names.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5011
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What does the titanic and the sixth sense have in common??


     


    Icey dead people



  • #5012
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Joined a constipation support group


     


    I haven't been yet



  • #5013
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched: I want you to know that you are not alone.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5014
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why do women make such good archaeologists?.................. Because they love digging up the past!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5015
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The Three Musketeers Football Club have had some good pre-season results…


    4-1

    4-1

    4-1

    4-1

    4-1

    4-1

    4-4



  • #5016
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,229 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    www.Conjunctivitis.com now that’s a site for sore eyes



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  • #5017
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Chameleons are supposed to blend in well, but I think it ruined my smoothie.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5018
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,128 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just used the last of the antiperspirant spray.


    Roll on tomorrow...



  • #5019
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,128 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I'm creating a new perfume for introverts.


    It's called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.



  • #5020
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,128 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What do you call an airplane full of bald people?


    Receding Airlines



  • #5021
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    My wife says I'm the only one she's ever been with.

    Sounded good, until she added that all the others were nines or tens.



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  • #5022
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,128 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks



  • #5023
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....If it floats: boy ant.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5024
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The horn wasn't working on my car and the garage wanted £50 to fix it.


     


    I took it to the local Scout Troop who sorted it for free.



    Beep Repaired.



  • #5025
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    All my friends have a great bucket list but mine is a little pail in comparison.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5026
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    I sat next to an insurance salesman at the Robbie Williams gig last night.


     



    And through it all, he offered me protection.


     



  • #5027
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,128 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My School was sponsored by Ikea.

    So Assembly took ages.



  • #5028
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


     

    I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…


     


     


    Oh well, I guess things can only improve.


     



  • #5029
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,741 ✭✭✭Worztron


    They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris…

    Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5030
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I can't stand broken tripods

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5031
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A recent study has found that women who carry surplus weight live longer than men who mention it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5032
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges... 


     


     


    I told him probably to put them on eBay...



  • #5033
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A Termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bartender here?"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5034
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,491 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    ^^^


    ???



  • #5035
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,128 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119448627#Comment_119448627

    "is the Bartender here"

    "Is the bar tender here"



  • #5036
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I'm convinced my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapons collection…


     


     


    She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.



  • #5037
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo



    If my grandma knew how little we had spent on her funeral, she'd be turning in the canal.



  • #5038
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!



  • #5039
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I rang the suppository helpline yesterday as I was unsure how to use them..................They were so **** rude!



  • #5040
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo



    My dad always said you should fight fire with fire. Lovely man, terrible fireman.



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  • #5041
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Husband says to his wife "Do you fancy a quickie"

    Wife says to husband "As opposed to what?"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5042
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.



  • #5043
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,229 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I never really wanted a beard. But it kinda grew on me.



  • #5044
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,229 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!



  • #5045
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,741 ✭✭✭Worztron


    I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. ~ Mitch Hedberg

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5046
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 800 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Made the mistake of asking Lulu what the hole in the ground was where they got water from……..


     


    That’s 30 minutes of My Life I will never get back……



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  • #5047
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,128 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I started a dating website for chickens.

    It’s not my regular day job… I just do it to help make hens meet.



  • #5048
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Top Fringe jokes


    1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham


    2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons


    3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel


    4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather


    5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars


    6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel


    7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford


    8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine


    9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker


    10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5049
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119505036#Comment_119505036

    The judges at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival have announced the top 10 funniest jokes.

    Sadly the Christmas cracker factory in Guizhou, China has beaten them hands down for the 69th year in a row.



  • #5050
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,359 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The phone just rang, but when I answered it all I could hear was somebody sneezing.

    Must have been a cold caller

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5051
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,530 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    This guy keeps ringing me asking for Prince Charming. I've told him there's no one here by that name but he's adamant.



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