One-Liner Jokes

NH2909

If I hadnt bad luck I would have no luck

NH2909

The pawl bearers carrying the coffin up and down the graveyard.............They lost the plot

TCG

This man goes into an Irish doctor for his wife's test results.

-- The man says : I am here for my wife's test results. --

Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr , there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for your wife and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, and the other shows Aids!"

--- The man : That's awful! What should I do?

Receptionist: "The Irish doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, -- do not shag her ---


Found some good Irish jokes here http://martin-ddp.hubpages.com/hub/irish-jokes101

Xenophile

"Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member". Groucho Marx.

D_murph

They should really have copped on sooner that the interpreter at Mandela's memorial was faking it. All the signs were there .

Xenophile

Forgive me for addressing you as gentlemen, this is because I don't know ye very well............Groucho Marx.

Xenophile

When I listen to Wagner for more than half an hour I get an urge to invade Poland..............Woody Allen.

Xenophile

Quotes in Spanish by Jaume Perich, anybody here able to translate them. Thanks!

“El peor sordo es el que no puede oir.”

“Hay personajes que en lugar de pasar a la historia, merecen pasar a la historieta.”

"La violencia nunca soluciona nada, suele decir mucha gente que teme que la violencia solucione algo.”

“Yo sólo quisiera que respetaran mi derecho a no respetar nada.”

“Todas las comparaciones son odiosas, pero sólo para uno de los comparados.”

“Lo peor que suelen tener los medios de comunicación de masas es lo que comunican.”

Bootup

Xenophile wrote: »

Quotes in Spanish by Jaume Perich, anybody here able to translate them. Thanks!

“El peor sordo es el que no puede oir.”

“Hay personajes que en lugar de pasar a la historia, merecen pasar a la historieta.”

"La violencia nunca soluciona nada, suele decir mucha gente que teme que la violencia solucione algo.”

“Yo sólo quisiera que respetaran mi derecho a no respetar nada.”

“Todas las comparaciones son odiosas, pero sólo para uno de los comparados.”

“Lo peor que suelen tener los medios de comunicación de masas es lo que comunican.”

used Google translate..........

"The worst is deaf can not hear."

"There are characters that instead of going down in history, deserve to go to cartoon."

"Violence never solves anything, they say many people who fear that violence solves anything."

"I just want to respect my right to not respect anything."

"All comparisons are odious, but only one of the comparison."

"The worst that usually have the mass media is communicating."

Ho Ho Ho................

gramar

El peor sordo es el que no puede oir.”
The worst type of deaf person is the one that can't hear.

“Hay personajes que en lugar de pasar a la historia, merecen pasar a la historieta.”
Some people instead of being in the history books should be in comic books.

"La violencia nunca soluciona nada, suele decir mucha gente que teme que la violencia solucione algo.”
Violence never solves anything is what is usually said by people who fear that violence will actually solve something.

“Yo sólo quisiera que respetaran mi derecho a no respetar nada.”
I want people to respect my right not to respect anything.

“Todas las comparaciones son odiosas, pero sólo para uno de los comparados.”
All comparisions are horrible but only for one of the things/people being compared.

“Lo peor que suelen tener los medios de comunicación de masas es lo que comunican.”
The worst thing about media of mass communication is what they communicate.

Book Lover James

I wouldn’t be so paranoid, if everyone wasn’t out to get me.

earlytobed

How would you know someone is a craft beer drinker?....He'll tell you!

gammygils

I don't have an i Phone.....
but I have 2 ear phones............ So There..:pac:

I've just invented a new word:

"Plagiarism"

Gamer Bhoy 89

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?

A: Deaf and blind?

Punchline:

No, because she's dead

fobster

I want to be a professional guitarist...

but I can't pluck up the courage.

gramar

fobster wrote: »

I want to be a professional guitarist...

but I can't pluck up the courage.

I'd give my right arm to be a professional guitarist......

Dave Allen gave his left arm to be the drummer in Def Leppard.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

A computer programmer is going down to the supermarket, asks the wife is she needs anything.

"Yeah got a loaf of bread. If the have eggs, get a dozen."

He came back with twelve loaves of bread....





A roman goes into a bar, holds up two fingers, "five beers please..."

dremark

Raz wrote: »

What's pinnk and fluffy??

Pink Fluff

hahaha.. Youve got me there. Nice One!

RichieO

What's that thing on the rear end of a race car?

SPOILER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gamer Bhoy 89

RichieO wrote: »

What's that thing on the rear end of a race car?

SPOILER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope I'm not the only one that actually highlighted all of your text to try and find a spoiler in it

Dtp1979

What's red and invisible ??

No tomatoes!

dremark

An apple thas has been already eaten lol

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

dremark wrote: »

hahaha.. Youve got me there. Nice One!

What's blue an fluffy?

Cold pink fluff...

Xenophile

Tear away me Mother is a Dressmaker!

gammygils

Two drums & a cymbals fell off the back of a lorry

Ba Bum Chhhhh!

fobster

Jaysis no one-liners for more than 3 weeks!

I have a personal drive in work yet I have no personal drive for work.

Fabritzo

Venison's, dear isn't it

Jimmy Carr

NH2909

don't eat the fish either its a cod

blatantrereg

Book Lover James wrote: »

I wouldn’t be so paranoid, if everyone wasn’t out to get me.

Everybody thinks I'm paranoid.

I don't have multiple personality disorder and neither do I.