Joined a constipation support group
I haven't been yet
For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched: I want you to know that you are not alone.
Why do women make such good archaeologists?.................. Because they love digging up the past!
The Three Musketeers Football Club have had some good pre-season results…
4-1
4-4
www.Conjunctivitis.com now that’s a site for sore eyes
Chameleons are supposed to blend in well, but I think it ruined my smoothie.
Just used the last of the antiperspirant spray.
Roll on tomorrow...
I'm creating a new perfume for introverts.
It's called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
What do you call an airplane full of bald people?
Receding Airlines
My wife says I'm the only one she's ever been with.
Sounded good, until she added that all the others were nines or tens.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....If it floats: boy ant.
The horn wasn't working on my car and the garage wanted £50 to fix it.
I took it to the local Scout Troop who sorted it for free.
Beep Repaired.
All my friends have a great bucket list but mine is a little pail in comparison.
I sat next to an insurance salesman at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection.
My School was sponsored by Ikea.
So Assembly took ages.
I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…
Oh well, I guess things can only improve.
They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris…
Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.
I can't stand broken tripods
A recent study has found that women who carry surplus weight live longer than men who mention it.
I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges...
I told him probably to put them on eBay...
A Termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bartender here?"
^^^
???
"is the Bartender here"
"Is the bar tender here"
I'm convinced my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapons collection…
She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
If my grandma knew how little we had spent on her funeral, she'd be turning in the canal.
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
I rang the suppository helpline yesterday as I was unsure how to use them..................They were so **** rude!
My dad always said you should fight fire with fire. Lovely man, terrible fireman.
Husband says to his wife "Do you fancy a quickie"
Wife says to husband "As opposed to what?"
