One-Liner Jokes

The problem with religion is that my idea of heaven consists of everything I'd go to hell for.

Girl: "Tell me something you've never told anyone else?"

Me (whispering) " I think the owl people already live among us. "

Girl: "Who?"

Me: " Holy crap!"

I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a Trebuchet is?

The TV show Casualty is now up to series No 34.

To keep it true to life, some of the patients from series No 1 are just being seen.

Filled my car up last week for €110 but drove off without paying, was up in court today got fined €75.

Follow me for more money saving tips.

Got some racing geese for sale .

Let me know if you want a quick gander

Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. Apparently they gave the part to one of the lead actor's children.

I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

You are not allowed to run in the camp site at Glastonbury. This is because it should be 'Ran' as it's past-tents

The bar may be low but he's not even that funny.

I don't get it.

What do you call a blonde behind the wheel?

An air bag

My dog has made an enemy. I can't take him to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him.

It's my fault. I shouldn't have bought a pure bread.

...

I'm reading a book about roadworks...still stuck on page 1

I said to the girl at B&Q “ what’s best for greasy ovens ? “ 

She said “ ammonia cleaner “ 

I said “ sorry I thought you worked here “

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don’t listen - and something else

My mate told me he'd got a clock stuck up his arse.

It was a wind-up

19th century missionaries gave South Seas cannibals their first taste of Christianity.

The manager of John 'O Groats FC has resigned after a heavy defeat to Lands End United, "i ve taken the team as far as they can go" he said

We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to the sounds of '80s synth pop.

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark