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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4982
    jj880
    Registered Users Posts: 4,227 ✭✭✭jj880


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119250345#Comment_119250345

    Nah I was messing trying to discourage any non "one liner joke" posts but after that bat flattery post I take it all back - that's gold.



  • #4983
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,971 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My dog has made an enemy. I can't take him to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him.


    It's my fault. I shouldn't have bought a pure bread.



  • #4984
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q.

    They've been to Lochaber, no mower. Sutherland, no mower. Lewis, no mower. Skye, no mower.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4985
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,240 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/SundaeDivine/status/1540158907355627521


    ...



  • #4986
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I wondered why the missus was throwing all my Stephen King books around, Then it hit me

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4987
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a book about roadworks...still stuck on page 1

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4988
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    "Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a supermarket"



    Doctor: "How long have you felt like this?"



    " Since I was Lidl."



  • #4989
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I said to the girl at B&Q “ what’s best for greasy ovens ? “ 


    She said “ ammonia cleaner “ 


    I said “ sorry I thought you worked here “



  • #4990
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,684 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've watched every day of Wimbledon so far.


    Still not seen a Womble.



  • #4991
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    My wife says I only have 2 faults.


     


    I don’t listen - and something else



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  • #4992
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,971 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?




    "Pan'tene".



  • #4993
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My mate told me he'd got a clock stuck up his arse.


    It was a wind-up

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4994
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Dropped a tub of margarine on my foot last month and it still hurts, I can't belive it's not better.

    Post edited by MonkieSocks on

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4995
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    19th century missionaries gave South Seas cannibals their first taste of Christianity.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4996
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Have you heard about the lizard that couldn't get an erection? He had a reptile dysfunction!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4997
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The manager of John 'O Groats FC has resigned after a heavy defeat to Lands End United, "i ve taken the team as far as they can go" he said



  • #4998
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,971 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I lost my numbered ticket in this waiting room.


    The receptionist just tore me a new one...



  • #4999
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to the sounds of '80s synth pop.


     


     


    Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark



  • #5000
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.


    He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.



  • #5001
    Maths_Teacher
    Registered Users Posts: 80 ✭✭Maths_Teacher


    Microsoft ending Internet Explorer has really put me on Edge.



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  • #5002
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I hired a handyman to do some work, and gave him a list of things to do


     


    When I got home he'd only done tasks 1,3,and 5


     


    Turned out he was an odd job man



  • #5003
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I couldn't sleep last night, so I read the dictionary;by 3am I was past caring....

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5004
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I’m opening a Wham! theme pub called ‘Club Tropiana’


     


     


    All that’s missing is the ‘c’.



  • #5005
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I ordered some German food online, the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5006
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Why did the chicken cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide.



  • #5007
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My therapist told me I can't identify my own emotions and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5008
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What does the titanic and the sixth sense have in common??


     


    Icey dead people



  • #5009
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    With the rise of self driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5010
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Necessity is the mother of Invention and there are lots of other people in that family with stupid names.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5011
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What does the titanic and the sixth sense have in common??


     


    Icey dead people



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