One-Liner Jokes

xlogo · 16-05-2022 7:10am

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg...

It was a flop.

xlogo · 16-05-2022 10:25am

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

MonkieSocks · 16-05-2022 7:55pm

I thought i could balance a 5 gallon bucket of tipex on my head, but I stand corrected.

xlogo · 18-05-2022 12:12am

The guy who stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

xlogo · 18-05-2022 8:17am

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."

I asked "Are you single?"

She replied "No, I'm a dentist."

MonkieSocks · 20-05-2022 12:35pm

After my funeral I have arranged for someone to use my phone to text all my family and friends " Thank you for coming , see you soon"

everlast75 · 20-05-2022 12:49pm

I stole some chocolate by hiding it under my hat, and now there's a Bounty on my head....

everlast75 · 20-05-2022 12:49pm

I feel really claustrophobic when I visit my local chemist…

I fear I've become too big for my Boots!

everlast75 · 20-05-2022 12:49pm

The man who sets retail prices has died...

RRP

xlogo · 20-05-2022 3:27pm

I'm slowly getting over my obsession with Tipperary but there's a long way to go!

MonkieSocks · 21-05-2022 7:54pm

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school never to be heard from again.

MonkieSocks · 22-05-2022 6:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119094672#Comment_119094672

And the first rule of Mime Club is?

xlogo · 23-05-2022 8:25pm

My wife & I are having a competition as to who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

sam t smith · 23-05-2022 8:27pm

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he needed a poo. 💩

MonkieSocks · 24-05-2022 6:09pm

I've started a new diet . . . The Careless Geologist Diet - I've already lost a stone

xlogo · 24-05-2022 9:23pm

A bloke on a night time fishing session decides to start a conversation with the angler next to him.

"Alright mate. Here on holiday?"

"Nah" he repies. "I'm on my honeymoon."

"On your honeymoon!! So why the hell aren't you at home **** the life out your missus?"

"Can't do that." he replies. "She got every STD imaginable. Her minge is covered in supperating sores and leaks a constant stream of foul smelling green goo."

"Well why not go up trap 2 and pound the **** out of her arse?"

"Can't do that" he says. "She's had a rectal prolapse and you can basically see her kidneys. The sphincter muscle has ripped and **** continually drips down the inside of her leg."

"Well if you don't mind me asking. Why the **** did you marry someone so foul and disgusting?"

"For the maggots."

xlogo · 24-05-2022 9:26pm

Two pensioners go to Macdonalds.

The husband orders one Big Mac and Fries.

He places the meal on the table between them.

A young man looking on walks over and offers to buy a second meal for them.

”No thanks” says the husband, “we always share everything”

The young man walks away and watches as he takes out the meal.

He cuts the burger in half, counts the chips and gives half the meal to his wife.

The young man comes back. “Please let me buy you a second meal”

”No thanks” says the husband, “as I said, “we always share everything”.

The man starts to eat his meal as his wife looks on, not touching her food.

The young man comes back a third time, and speaks to the wife.

”I know you will not accept a meal, but why are you not eating your food?”

The wife replies “I’m waiting for the teeth”

busy bee 33 · 24-05-2022 9:40pm

He was a gas man, wasn’t he?

[SPOILER]Hitler[/SPOILER]

Worztron · 25-05-2022 9:31am

@xlogo Hmm, those are hardly one-liners.

Worztron · 25-05-2022 9:32am

@sam t smith Ref - https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119104246/#Comment_119104246

🤮

xlogo · 25-05-2022 4:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119110673#Comment_119110673

They're barely jokes but still better than any Hitler/gas 'jokes'!!

xlogo · 25-05-2022 6:50pm

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention.

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

barneygumble99 · 28-05-2022 3:41pm

I bought my Obsessive/Compulsive mate a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

He's going nuts trying to hang it straight.

barneygumble99 · 29-05-2022 5:31am

I’m 6ft 3 and recently split up with my 5ft 2 girlfriend as we couldn’t see eye to eye

xlogo · 29-05-2022 8:07pm

My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

Amazingly he said, “Hello, sir. You are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too."

I realised the problem straight away.

Bat flattery.

barneygumble99 · 30-05-2022 1:03pm

My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.

MonkieSocks · 30-05-2022 5:05pm

A telepathically controlled air freshener makes scents when you think about it.

Worztron · 31-05-2022 8:15am

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

everlast75 · 31-05-2022 8:49am

The funeral of lester piggot will be held on Thursday at 10/1

everlast75 · 31-05-2022 8:49am

My dad used to say

"The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more."

Lovely bloke... terrible anaesthetist.

xlogo · 31-05-2022 2:07pm

The barman says “we don’t serve time travellers in here”.

A time traveller walks into a bar.

MonkieSocks · 31-05-2022 4:41pm

I just asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with.

She replied 'yes'. Apparently all the others were nines and tens.

Worztron · 31-05-2022 7:15pm

What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

What the **** did I just read?

xlogo · 31-05-2022 8:06pm

I’m going to make a fortune in my new career designing and selling posh hats.

This time next year I’m going to be a Milliner.

blade1 · 31-05-2022 8:22pm

I've started a business making yachts in my attic.

Sails have gone through the roof!

Treppen · 31-05-2022 8:31pm

IKEA .... There's a joke in there but you've to assemble it yourself

MonkieSocks · 01-06-2022 8:24pm

Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

MonkieSocks · 02-06-2022 12:38pm

When you're a lion, every month is Pride Month.

xlogo · 02-06-2022 7:12pm

Used to love Robbie Williams till I discovered Geometry.

Now I’m loving angles instead.

MonkieSocks · 04-06-2022 8:18am

I once opened a bar for dudes with erectile dysfunction, but sadly it was a total flop & nobody came.

Worztron · 05-06-2022 12:00pm

---... -....- -.--.-

xlogo · 05-06-2022 2:15pm

My extra sensitive Toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other Toothpastes.

xlogo · 05-06-2022 5:37pm

During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with twitter.

I nearly choked on my #brown.

Worztron · 07-06-2022 8:15am

What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

Obi-Juan

everlast75 · 07-06-2022 10:02am

If anyone wants an old copy of "osteopath weekly", I have back issues.

everlast75 · 07-06-2022 10:03am

Next time you see a clown, hold the door open for him.

It's a nice jester.

MonkieSocks · 07-06-2022 10:07am

I’ve joined a dating website for arsonists, they send me new matches every week

xlogo · 07-06-2022 1:49pm

I have sex daily ........... No, wait ............I have dyslexia.

xlogo · 07-06-2022 6:05pm

Just had a threatening letter from the Herb and Spice company saying I owe them £100.

If I don't pay by tomorrow, they're sending the Bay Leaf’s around. .

xlogo · 07-06-2022 6:06pm

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

One-Liner Jokes

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