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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4922
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119110673#Comment_119110673


    They're barely jokes but still better than any Hitler/gas 'jokes'!!



  • #4923
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I was really struggling to get my wife's attention.


    So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.



  • #4924
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,116 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I bought my Obsessive/Compulsive mate a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

    He's going nuts trying to hang it straight.



  • #4925
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,116 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I’m 6ft 3 and recently split up with my 5ft 2 girlfriend as we couldn’t see eye to eye



  • #4926
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.


     


    Amazingly he said, “Hello, sir. You are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too."


     


    I realised the problem straight away.



    Bat flattery.



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  • #4927
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,116 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.



  • #4928
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A telepathically controlled air freshener makes scents when you think about it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4929
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,664 ✭✭✭Worztron


    My math teacher called me average. How mean!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4930
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,954 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The funeral of lester piggot will be held on Thursday at 10/1



  • #4931
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,954 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My dad used to say


    "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more."


    Lovely bloke... terrible anaesthetist.



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  • #4932
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The barman says “we don’t serve time travellers in here”.


     


     


    A time traveller walks into a bar.



  • #4933
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with.

    She replied 'yes'. Apparently all the others were nines and tens.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4934
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,664 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

    What the **** did I just read?

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4935
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I’m going to make a fortune in my new career designing and selling posh hats.


     


    This time next year I’m going to be a Milliner. 



  • #4936
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,083 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    I've started a business making yachts in my attic.

    Sails have gone through the roof!



  • #4937
    Treppen
    Registered Users Posts: 4,550 ✭✭✭Treppen


    IKEA .... There's a joke in there but you've to assemble it yourself



  • #4938
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4939
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When you're a lion, every month is Pride Month.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4940
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Used to love Robbie Williams till I discovered Geometry.


    Now I’m loving angles instead.



  • #4941
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I once opened a bar for dudes with erectile dysfunction, but sadly it was a total flop & nobody came.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4942
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,664 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Screenshot_2022-06-05_06-24-33.png

    ---... -....- -.--.-

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4943
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My extra sensitive Toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other Toothpastes.



  • #4944
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with twitter. 


     


     


    I nearly choked on my #brown.



  • #4945
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,664 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

    Obi-Juan

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4946
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,954 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    If anyone wants an old copy of "osteopath weekly", I have back issues.



  • #4947
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,954 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Next time you see a clown, hold the door open for him.


    It's a nice jester.



  • #4948
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’ve joined a dating website for arsonists, they send me new matches every week

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4949
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have sex daily ........... No, wait ............I have dyslexia.



  • #4950
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just had a threatening letter from the Herb and Spice company saying I owe them £100.


     


     


    If I don't pay by tomorrow, they're sending the Bay Leaf’s around. .



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  • #4951
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.



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