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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4892
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Sad to hear about tennis player Boris Becker going to prison.

    His services will no longer be available.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4893
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

    He said no

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4894
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…


    So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!



  • #4895
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils, because they dilate.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4896
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Two goldfish go into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long faeces?"



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  • #4897
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and 4 cubs."


     


    "That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"


     


    "I'm not sure to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."


     



  • #4898
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,235 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Margoandhow/status/1524877854625906690


    ...



  • #4899
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A fancy sports car pulled up next to me driven by a sheep in a swimsuit, turned out it was a lamb bikini

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4900
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,583 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Did it do a ewe turn and flock off?



  • #4901
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,661 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119065331#Comment_119065331

    Turns and fleece at the sign of danger

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


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  • #4902
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg...


     


     


    It was a flop.



  • #4903
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”


    I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”



  • #4904
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I thought i could balance a 5 gallon bucket of tipex on my head, but I stand corrected.

    Post edited by MonkieSocks on

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4905
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The guy who stole my diary has died.


     


     


    My thoughts are with his family.


     



  • #4906
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."



    I asked "Are you single?"



    She replied "No, I'm a dentist."



  • #4907
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    After my funeral I have arranged for someone to use my phone to text all my family and friends " Thank you for coming , see you soon"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4908
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,957 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I stole some chocolate by hiding it under my hat, and now there's a Bounty on my head....



  • #4909
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,957 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I feel really claustrophobic when I visit my local chemist…


    I fear I've become too big for my Boots!



  • #4910
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,957 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The man who sets retail prices has died... 


    RRP



  • #4911
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I'm slowly getting over my obsession with Tipperary but there's a long way to go!



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  • #4912
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school never to be heard from again.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4913
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119094672#Comment_119094672

    And the first rule of Mime Club is?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4914
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My wife & I are having a competition as to who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.


     


     


    I've just taken the lead.


     



  • #4915
    sam t smith
    Registered Users Posts: 1,453 ✭✭✭sam t smith


    Why did the baker have brown hands?

    Because he needed a poo. 💩



  • #4916
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've started a new diet . . . The Careless Geologist Diet - I've already lost a stone

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4917
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo



      


    A bloke on a night time fishing session decides to start a conversation with the angler next to him.



    "Alright mate. Here on holiday?"



    "Nah" he repies. "I'm on my honeymoon."



    "On your honeymoon!! So why the hell aren't you at home **** the life out your missus?"



    "Can't do that." he replies. "She got every STD imaginable. Her minge is covered in supperating sores and leaks a constant stream of foul smelling green goo."



    "Well why not go up trap 2 and pound the **** out of her arse?"



    "Can't do that" he says. "She's had a rectal prolapse and you can basically see her kidneys. The sphincter muscle has ripped and **** continually drips down the inside of her leg."



    "Well if you don't mind me asking. Why the **** did you marry someone so foul and disgusting?"



    "For the maggots."


     



  • #4918
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 736 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Two pensioners go to Macdonalds.


    The husband orders one Big Mac and Fries.


    He places the meal on the table between them.


    A young man looking on walks over and offers to buy a second meal for them.


    ”No thanks” says the husband, “we always share everything”


    The young man walks away and watches as he takes out the meal.


    He cuts the burger in half, counts the chips and gives half the meal to his wife.


    The young man comes back. “Please let me buy you a second meal”


    ”No thanks” says the husband, “as I said, “we always share everything”.


    The man starts to eat his meal as his wife looks on, not touching her food.


    The young man comes back a third time, and speaks to the wife.


    ”I know you will not accept a meal, but why are you not eating your food?”


    The wife replies “I’m waiting for the teeth”



  • #4919
    busy bee 33
    Registered Users Posts: 60 ✭✭busy bee 33


    He was a gas man, wasn’t he?


    [SPOILER]Hitler[/SPOILER]



  • #4920
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,664 ✭✭✭Worztron


    @xlogo Hmm, those are hardly one-liners.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • #4921
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,664 ✭✭✭Worztron


    @sam t smith Ref - https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119104246/#Comment_119104246

    🤮

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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