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One-Liner Jokes

1…8889919394…118

Comments

  • #4502
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just stole a rabbit from a pet shop, now I have to make a run for it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4503
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Did you ever hear about the two gay ghosts?

    They gave each other the willies.


  • #4504
    dilallio
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭dilallio


    A gay deer walks out of a bar and says “Man, I can’t believe I just blew fifty bucks.”


  • #4505
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,525 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Two condoms walking past the George and one says to the other "Wanna go in here and get sh*t faced?"

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #4506
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,525 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I told my psychiatrist that I feared success. He said I had nothing to worry about.

    Reminds me of Rodney Dangerfield for some reason.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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  • #4507
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Post-Brexit are The Eurhythmics just The Rhythmics?


  • #4508
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just joined a dating site for Arsonists. Still waiting for a match.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4509
    dilallio
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭dilallio


    My girlfriend dared me to take schizophrenia meds. Now she's gone missing.


  • #4510
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    trashcan wrote: »
    That Indian variant is no joke. I know someone who got it and he’s been in a korma for a week. Poor chap, he’d only just lost his Naan too.

    :( Sorry to hear his Nann is Brown Bread

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4511
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife told me she wants a divorce, and she's moving to Thailand.

    Phuket

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4512
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/rubot/status/1399417752180428800


  • #4513
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/SteelHester/status/1399494971317751809


  • #4514
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Victor wrote: »
    https://twitter.com/SteelHester/status/1399494971317751809


    Got my shots so it's Astra la vista, Baby to Covid 19!


  • #4515
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My mate David has had his ID stolen.... now he's just Dav

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4516
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm fat but I identify as skinny, I'm translender

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4517
    DopeTech
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,896 ✭✭✭DopeTech


    Dealz to start offering home delivery service, Dealz on wheels.

    https://www.buymeacoffee.com/dopetech.ie



  • #4518
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    There's only one thing worse than being talked about.

    And that's people calling you a c*nt.


  • #4519
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Swimming with dolphins is expensive but, swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4520
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    How many prison guards does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. It fell.


  • #4521
    Sadb
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,225 ✭✭✭✭Sadb


    Three blonds walk into a building......you’d think one of them would have seen it.


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  • #4522
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I told my Doctor that my life was meaningless and without purpose. Nonsense! he said, I'm a warning to others.


  • #4523
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Possession is 9/10ths of the law and not officially recognized by the Catholic church.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4524
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife said I have no sense of direction so I packed my bags and right.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4525
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I just bought a new wig, only a euro. It was a small price toupee.


  • #4526
    Sebastian Dangerfield
    Registered Users Posts: 1,820 ✭✭✭Sebastian Dangerfield


    Man walks into Doctors surgery and says "I think I have Tom Jones syndrome". Doctor says "It's not unusual"


  • #4527
    Irishjg
    Registered Users Posts: 337 ✭✭Irishjg


    The wooden rollercoaster in Tayto Park was set on fire. It was burned to a crisp.


  • #4528
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have OCD and ADD, which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4529
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My son accused me of living in the past.

    I laughed heartily, gave the little scamp a shilling and sent him on his merry way.


  • #4530
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Wicklow relegating Cavan


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  • #4531
    B.A._Baracus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,205 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus


    Whats green and sits in the corner?

    .... the incredible sulk.












    I'll get my coat.


  • #4532
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    “The definition of ‘insanity’ is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

    Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

    “The definition of ‘insanity’ is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

    Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

    “The definition of ‘insanity’ is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

    Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?


  • #4533
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Why did the elephant cross the road?

    Well, normally the chicken would do that but it got involved with a fox, a river and some grain so now the elephant is thinking it should never have accepted that trunk call.


  • #4534
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The preferred pronouns of an American chocolate bar would be her/she.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4535
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a man with no shinbones?

    Tony

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4536
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I just want to say to the person who stole my camouflage jacket and my flip flops.........you can hide, but you can’t run.


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  • #4537
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/FCTwenteBenson/status/1404537773839863813


  • #4538
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I saw a cannibal in town today, he crouched down as he passed his friend on the pavement.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4539
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I’ve been hiding from exercise. I’m in the Fitness Protection Programme.


  • #4540
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    It's Friday in an insurance company office.

    Underwriter 1: Hey, it was my birthday during the week, so we're all going for drinks this evening.
    Underwriter 2: Congratulations! How old are you?
    Underwriter 1: 51 next birthday.


  • #4541
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Pitched a show to ITV today, where Fern Britton kidnaps Chris Tarrant in a deadly game of cat and mouse.

    "Britton's Got Tarrant"


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  • #4542
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just found out I am colour blind. The news came completely out of the green.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4543
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Just watching the Italian match there. The Swiss don’t seem to have a lot going for them, though you’d have to say, their flag is a big plus.


  • #4544
    RobbingBandit
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,189 ✭✭✭✭RobbingBandit


    Swiss guard really dropped their defence in Rome tonight


  • #4545
    GBX
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,015 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    Did you know if you rearrange the letters of postmen they get really annoyed !!


  • #4546
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I recently read one of those "100 things to do before you die" lists.

    For some reason, shouting for help wasn't included.


  • #4547
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The flat earth society have made a new film, which has just won the Golden Globe award.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4548
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Did you hear about the farmer who won a Nobel Prize?

    He was out standing in his field.


  • #4549
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    My partner told me she thought I was average. I thought she was mean.


  • #4550
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,238 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Deleted User wrote: »
    My partner told me she thought I was average. I thought she was mean.


    When you add it all up you really seem divided.


  • #4551
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    saabsaab wrote: »
    When you add it all up you really seem divided.

    Haha. Very good.


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