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One-Liner Jokes

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    #4352
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4353
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.
    That's abominable. :o

    probably stolen from the same place


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    #4354
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,768 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    That's abominable. :o

    probably stolen from the same place


    Not really, it's snow wonder.


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    #4355
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Its snow joke either.


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    #4356
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,278 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/KazzJenkins/status/1362349276035227651


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    #4357
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a book about optimism; it's impossible to put down.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4358
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,768 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I told my psychiatrist that I feared success. He said I had nothing to worry about.


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    #4359
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?

    A walkie talkie

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4360
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm reading a book about contact adhesive; it's impossible to put down.


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    #4361
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,441 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!


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    #4362
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,278 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    New Home wrote: »
    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!
    As a vet, I have the same problem with the cutest animals that are sufferings terribly.


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    #4363
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Vet "I have to put down your dog"

    Me "is it terminal ?" :eek:

    Vet "nah, just too heavy to carry"


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    #4364
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,768 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.


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    #4365
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,441 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    New Home wrote: »
    I'm reading a book on anti-gravity and I've the same problem!

    Next on my reading list is "The unbearable lightness of being". I hope I won't happen again.


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    #4366
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.
    A glowing success.


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    #4367
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,441 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station. Apparently he has 18 half-lives.

    That's where Schroedinger got his cat, too!


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    #4368
    namenotavailablE
    Registered Users Posts: 59,563 ✭✭✭✭namenotavailablE


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I got my Cat from a nuclear power station.

    I'm told that those types of cats really enjoy a plate of nuclear fission for their tea.

    Free Excel net pay calculator- https://taxcalc.eu/monthlyss/Employee%20PAYE%20calculator.xlsm



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    #4369
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,441 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    They're also very fond of molecular gastronomy, I hear.


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    #4370
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,263 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why do they sell unsharpened pencils ???



    Pointless ......
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #4371
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    William Shakespeare asked his mother for a pencil and she said 2-B or not 2-B?


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    #4372
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,768 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    A glowing success.


    Saves on the light bill. He's a real bright spark.


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    #4373
    namenotavailablE
    Registered Users Posts: 59,563 ✭✭✭✭namenotavailablE


    ^^.. and is a shining example of watts being saved.

    Free Excel net pay calculator- https://taxcalc.eu/monthlyss/Employee%20PAYE%20calculator.xlsm



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    #4374
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I think someone's been Watering down my Whiskey but I don't have the Proof.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4375
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,768 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Did you ever wonder what was the highest mountain on Earth before they discovered Mt Everest?


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    #4376
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,034 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    When I die I want my remains scattered around Eurodisney. And I don't want to be cremated.


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    #4377
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,034 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    saabsaab wrote: »
    Did you ever wonder what was the highest mountain on Earth before they discovered Mt Everest?

    Yup Mauna Kea. Its an underwater volcano which is actually taller than Everest. But after discovering that from a pr1ck who knows about underwater volcanos I then thought that maybe dogs bring home sticks because that was bred into them over millennia of humans needing wood for fires.


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    #4378
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,607 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Carrauntoohil is actually higher than Everest,
    but it's down in a bit of a hollow!


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    #4379
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,263 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Someone stole my Mr. Men collection...

    Im fecking raging...

    No more Mr Nice Guy
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #4380
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,282 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The fire investigator said arson caused the fire but I told him we didn't have a son

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4381
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,768 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Mr Smith I have very bad news for you I better say it straight out You have only a few days to live!
    Patient: 'there must be a mistake?'
    Sadly no and I have got a second opinion to confirm.
    Patient: You are mistaken.
    But I have many years of experience and am never wrong!
    You are - I'm not Mr Smith!


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