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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4502
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just stole a rabbit from a pet shop, now I have to make a run for it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4503
    Gerald Unkempt Haircut
    Posts: 0 ✭ Gerald Unkempt Haircut


    Did you ever hear about the two gay ghosts?

    They gave each other the willies.


  • #4504
    dilallio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭dilallio


    A gay deer walks out of a bar and says “Man, I can’t believe I just blew fifty bucks.”


  • #4505
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,792 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Two condoms walking past the George and one says to the other "Wanna go in here and get sh*t faced?"

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #4506
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,792 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    saabsaab wrote: »
    I told my psychiatrist that I feared success. He said I had nothing to worry about.

    Reminds me of Rodney Dangerfield for some reason.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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  • #4507
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Post-Brexit are The Eurhythmics just The Rhythmics?


  • #4508
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just joined a dating site for Arsonists. Still waiting for a match.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4509
    dilallio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭dilallio


    My girlfriend dared me to take schizophrenia meds. Now she's gone missing.


  • #4510
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    trashcan wrote: »
    That Indian variant is no joke. I know someone who got it and he’s been in a korma for a week. Poor chap, he’d only just lost his Naan too.

    :( Sorry to hear his Nann is Brown Bread

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4511
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife told me she wants a divorce, and she's moving to Thailand.

    Phuket

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4512
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,237 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/rubot/status/1399417752180428800


  • #4513
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,237 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/SteelHester/status/1399494971317751809


  • #4514
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,734 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Victor wrote: »
    https://twitter.com/SteelHester/status/1399494971317751809


    Got my shots so it's Astra la vista, Baby to Covid 19!


  • #4515
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My mate David has had his ID stolen.... now he's just Dav

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4516
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm fat but I identify as skinny, I'm translender

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4517
    DopeTech
    Registered Users Posts: 6,753 ✭✭✭DopeTech


    Dealz to start offering home delivery service, Dealz on wheels.


  • #4518
    Gerald Unkempt Haircut
    Posts: 0 ✭ Gerald Unkempt Haircut


    There's only one thing worse than being talked about.

    And that's people calling you a c*nt.


  • #4519
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Swimming with dolphins is expensive but, swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4520
    Gerald Unkempt Haircut
    Posts: 0 ✭ Gerald Unkempt Haircut


    How many prison guards does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. It fell.


  • #4521
    Sadb
    Registered Users Posts: 10,330 ✭✭✭✭Sadb


    Three blonds walk into a building......you’d think one of them would have seen it.


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  • #4522
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,734 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I told my Doctor that my life was meaningless and without purpose. Nonsense! he said, I'm a warning to others.


  • #4523
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Possession is 9/10ths of the law and not officially recognized by the Catholic church.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4524
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife said I have no sense of direction so I packed my bags and right.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4525
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,904 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I just bought a new wig, only a euro. It was a small price toupee.


  • #4526
    Sebastian Dangerfield
    Registered Users Posts: 1,793 ✭✭✭Sebastian Dangerfield


    Man walks into Doctors surgery and says "I think I have Tom Jones syndrome". Doctor says "It's not unusual"


  • #4527
    Irishjg
    Registered Users Posts: 335 ✭✭Irishjg


    The wooden rollercoaster in Tayto Park was set on fire. It was burned to a crisp.


  • #4528
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have OCD and ADD, which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4529
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,667 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My son accused me of living in the past.

    I laughed heartily, gave the little scamp a shilling and sent him on his merry way.


  • #4530
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Wicklow relegating Cavan


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  • #4531
    B.A._Baracus
    Registered Users Posts: 11,170 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus


    Whats green and sits in the corner?

    .... the incredible sulk.












    I'll get my coat.


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