What's the etiquette here??

IAMAMORON

A heater high on the wall is also a god send. Great for evaporating sweaty neck and ass cheeks of a Monday morning.

Winter is coming.

An Ri rua

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Blighted with a nasty “affliction” here. Didn’t sleep well at all.

Was out walking the dog in the park yesterday, bad idea to do it in shorts. Not only did my legs get wet in the long grass but some sort of “midgey” must have flown up my leg, into my loose boxers and right to the anus ring.

It’s been a lesson in self control not going at it for relief, lots of bathroom trips for a papered “rub” to ease the, intense, itch.

I slathered on some calamine lotion last night and it did help for a while but I was up have the night trying to restrain myself from using my nails, I’m terrified of breaking the skin. It’s very close to the badge so can’t risk any sort of open sore, or “infection”.

Does anyone know how long these sort of “bites” itch for? Is there anything one can do to speed up the process? Would icing it help?

Currently swirling in my seat trying to get at it without “manual” intervention, works a bit but does not look good. Any advice would be appreciated.

Probably best to ditch the car and take out the old racer with that narrow saddle. If there ever was a time for reaming yourself, it's now E.

A liberal spray of Deep Heat on your badge or some of those intense Tiger balms might also be just the thing to bring that to a head.

Now I can't vouch for this, so don't blame me if its less than optimal in easing your affliction, but I had read that the monks of Men's Stalls (same founder as the Glenstal lads) , with their long robes suffered similar assaults to their badge of honour. They would squat down with the arse bare to the flagstones, beg God for mercy in they being a sinner, and gingerly position a sacrament candle on the floor beneath them. It would be a tough station E, but any little critter hanging about would either come out or go in further to escape sanction. Lord have mercy on his little bones if so.

I wouldn't put on any of those sprays or sudocremes if you're planning the ar"*e candling E. It's contra-indicated, I'm told.

JohnnyFlash

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

As a relation of yours L.. Im sure the old dear sphattered the pan with great frequency ?

As a senior citizen yourself, Nevin, have you any major issues with severe constipation? You do seem very 'bound up' most of the time.

Maybe lay off the microwavable cheeseburgers, and get more prunes, plums, and pears into your diet?


:cool:

NeinNeinNein

This lad will remove a tick from your hole, available in any pet shop. Alternatively try a claw hammer.

Hotblack Desiato

An Ri rua wrote: »

a Bobby Sands fresco

:pac::pac::pac:

FintanMcluskey wrote: »

After removing the tank cover, I was often greeted by a swarm of floating condoms like bananas in bath, which were flushed down the toilet.

Disgraceful and entirely environmentally unsound carry-on.

The correct course of action back in the day when these items were in short supply in this neck of the woods, was waste not want not. Hand wash in lukewarm water with a non-bio detergent, dry carefully, lube up with a bit of Castrol GTX and you're good to go again.

An Ri rua wrote: »

The Xiaomi MiNo2 is feature-packed. I saw a very pretty Asian model demonstrate one at an Expo in Amsterdam.

Some would pay good money for that "demonstration", I'd reckon.

Brendan Bendar

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

This lad will remove a tick from your hole, available in any pet shop. Alternatively try a claw hammer.

Good hot ciggie butt is your man.
Need help though....get your s.o. to apply the cig. to the fcukers abdomen and he’ll pull the head out rapido.

Dab of Dettol and she might dig the head in herself.

Win win.:cool:

NeinNeinNein

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good hot ciggie butt is your man.
Need help though....get your s.o. to apply the cig. to the fcukers abdomen and he’ll pull the head out rapido.

Dab of Dettol and she might dig the head in herself.

Win win.:cool:

Maybe a soldering iron for the non smokers?

Hego Damask

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Spot on, Hego.

Something like this is the high-point of bog design. Pull chain, good wide bowl with none of those wretched Italian 'shelves', Yankee high water lines or, a splash zone the size of an eggcup.

Spool up, unload with gusto, and get rid of all but the worst of fallout with a full tank of water descending from a height. :cool:

Jesus what is it with those shelves ? I was in Holland a few years back and the jacks there ... absolutely vile, how da fuq can you have a decent chite with it lying there exposed to the air, and then to be confronted with it ??

Is it a way to get you out of the jax quickly ? do homes have toilets like that too ?

first you crap, then you vomit !!

Aglomerado

Hego Damask wrote: »

Jesus what is it with those shelves ? I was in Holland a few years back and the jacks there ... absolutely vile, how da fuq can you have a decent chite with it lying there exposed to the air, and then to be confronted with it ??

Is it a way to get you out of the jax quickly ? do homes have toilets like that too ?

first you crap, then you vomit !!

...and not even the possibility of a decent "PLOP" sound when the load drops in...:(

IAMAMORON

Aglomerado wrote: »

...and not even the possibility of a decent "PLOP" sound when the load drops in...:(

Agreed, it is almost like not getting full disclosure on something. Like ships passing in the night, what might have been. Like something is amiss.

There is nothing more asserting than the splash and clatter and plopping of a nice Barry White.

Hego Damask

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Agreed, it is almost like not getting full disclosure on something. Like ships passing in the night, what might have been. Like something is amiss.

There is nothing more asserting than the splash and clatter and plopping of a nice Barry White.

Barry White !!! Love this thread!

Aglomerado

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Agreed, it is almost like not getting full disclosure on something. Like ships passing in the night, what might have been. Like something is amiss.

There is nothing more asserting than the splash and clatter and plopping of a nice Barry White.

For sure. Six months into working from home, my toilet paper expenditure has increased exponentially.
On the plus side I can be as noisy in the toilet as I like and don't have to put up with colleagues' parps or whiffs. :D

Slideways

Welll the mrs treated me to a Weber charcoal bbq. Big fuçking thing and of course I took to it with gusto
Saturday was a full chicken, Sunday had sausages, black pudding, bacon and a big ring of bratwurst for brunch and eye fillet steaks for dinner.

Monday was my last day at home before heading back to work for a week do I marinated some Kangaroo steaks and had lamb cutlets as a back up. The Roo can be hit and miss. Well ol skippy was a massive success, so much so that the 9 cutlets I had cooked we’re barely touched. So I polished 5 of them off along with some massive mushrooms. I was as full as a tinker when done.


The fallout from my decadence has been rather tiresome. Yesterday is was one or two hard shelled turds, about the size of a terry’s chocolate orange.

Today, lord have mercy on my 18 spoker. Russia has slipped beneath the waves in softer and smaller nuclear submarines. It near burst me. Had to take the T-shirt off mid dump as it was starting to stick to me back with sweat.

Salads and fruit only for the next few days. Considering going vegan after it :eek:

Hego Damask

Slideways wrote: »

Welll the mrs treated me to a Weber charcoal bbq. Big fuçking thing and of course I took to it with gusto
Saturday was a full chicken, Sunday had sausages, black pudding, bacon and a big ring of bratwurst for brunch and eye fillet steaks for dinner.

Monday was my last day at home before heading back to work for a week do I marinated some Kangaroo steaks and had lamb cutlets as a back up. The Roo can be hit and miss. Well ol skippy was a massive success, so much so that the 9 cutlets I had cooked we’re barely touched. So I polished 5 of them off along with some massive mushrooms. I was as full as a tinker when done.


The fallout from my decadence has been rather tiresome. Yesterday is was one or two hard shelled turds, about the size of a terry’s chocolate orange.

Today, lord have mercy on my 18 spoker. Russia has slipped beneath the waves in softer and smaller nuclear submarines. It near burst me. Had to take the T-shirt off mid dump as it was starting to stick to me back with sweat.

Salads and fruit only for the next few days. Considering going vegan after it :eek:

Presumably you're down in 'Straya ?
Can't imagine one could get kangaroo meat in Ireland outside celtic tiger times ...

EmmetSpiceland

Update on the “bite”, the itch has subsided. It was, definitely, not a tick. Thank Christ.

I had a look at the area, using the “double mirror” technique but couldn’t get a good look so I had my partner take a look. She could see it clearly and said it resembled an insect bite.

Weirdly, it seems to have bitten right on a follicle, as there was a thick, course, hair on its “summit”. She recommended removal of the hair. I was, obviously, against this at first but had to acquiesce to her demand.

By god, it was not enjoyable. The “nether“ hairs are a hardy bunch and this one was anchored right on the outer rim, at the end of the spokes.

It resisted the tweezers with all its might. I was wincing, and groaning, throughout but human “endeavour” won out and that was it.

A “dab” of tea tree oil and I was good as new. Not an itch nor a twinge since. A costly reminder to always wear a more snug boxer when wearing shorts in nature.

May even have to “invest” in some bicycle clips when going on any long trousered excursions, do not fancy going through all that again.

Thanks for all your support, and concern. Always good to know you’ve got people in your “corner” when one is at their most vulnerable.

gerrybbadd

Hego Damask wrote: »

Presumably you're down in 'Straya ?
Can't imagine one could get kangaroo meat in Ireland outside celtic tiger times ...

Pop the head into Lidl and be prepared for a surprise. Along with a socket set, a jigsaw and 40 other items you don't need, you'll be delighted to find these exotic meats in the freezer. Ostrich too, if you were so inclined

inthenip

One of my friends recently bought a house and had a few of us over giving him hand with painting and putting together furniture and stuff for the weekend.

Anyway one of the toilets was working in the house and one wasn't(No water in it).

A complete and utter bogger from Achill Island works with the guy who bought the house and he was giving us a hand with the painting and furniture as well. They type of guy who wouldn't change his jocks for a month and is half nuts.

On the Sunday we all decided to go to the shop and the bogger stayed behind. There was no toilet roll in either jack's either, had to get some as well in the shop.

Anyway back from the shop and there was a smell of fags on the house and the bogger had been smoking. Owner went mad and said where did you put the Fag Butt. It's I'm the jack's he said.

The Bogger had taking a massive **** in the jack's that didn't work and could smell it as soon as the owner up the door. To make matters worse he stamped the fag butt out in the ****.

We asked him how did he wipe his hole and his response was "Ah Sur, it was only a dry one".

Owner then made him clean the ****e out of the jack's and made him wipe his hole with jack's paper as well. He was thrown out of the house after the clean up and never to return.

Voodoomelon

Had a terror of a day yesterday, I made the mistake of frequenting one of Dundalk's finer Chinese establishments and taking home a four in one. For those of you not from these shores, its consists of chips, fried rice, slices of chicken breast, mushrooms, peas, onions and curry sauce.

I ate it about 11pm and went to bed at midnight. I actually awoke with a startling abruptness around 6am, you know the kind where you just find yourself instantly awake? But for no apparent reason. No number 1 or 2 required, not too hot or cold, just wide awake. Drifted off again and woke when my alarm went off. Then all of a sudden there was all kind of rumblings down below, like knocking a pile of tennis balls around in a bucket. Had to dash for the jacks with great urgency, where a blast of matter hit the pan with tremendous force. I sat there sweating for 20 minutes whilst the poor Armitage took an awful hammering.

No joke, I counted the visits; 9 times I had to run to the toilet throughout the day, each and every time there were random mushrooms, chips and onions kicking around the pan. Absolutely disgraceful, the day was a write off. Its always hard to point the finger and determine the exact cause, but I think its safe to say it was the Chinese. I actually got into bed early, just mentally and physically drained.

EmmetSpiceland

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I actually got into bed early, just mentally and physically drained.

Your ring must have been glowing!

Feisar

inthenip wrote: »

One of my friends recently bought a house and had a few of us over giving him hand with painting and putting together furniture and stuff for the weekend.

Anyway one of the toilets was working in the house and one wasn't(No water in it).

A complete and utter bogger from Achill Island works with the guy who bought the house and he was giving us a hand with the painting and furniture as well. They type of guy who wouldn't change his jocks for a month and is half nuts.

On the Sunday we all decided to go to the shop and the bogger stayed behind. There was no toilet roll in either jack's either, had to get some as well in the shop.

Anyway back from the shop and there was a smell of fags on the house and the bogger had been smoking. Owner went mad and said where did you put the Fag Butt. It's I'm the jack's he said.

The Bogger had taking a massive **** in the jack's that didn't work and could smell it as soon as the owner up the door. To make matters worse he stamped the fag butt out in the ****.

We asked him how did he wipe his hole and his response was "Ah Sur, it was only a dry one".

Owner then made him clean the ****e out of the jack's and made him wipe his hole with jack's paper as well. He was thrown out of the house after the clean up and never to return.

Da fuq?

Aglomerado

Feisar wrote: »

Da fuq?

I imagine it was one of those ones that come out with a perfectly formed tapered "point" on the end, leaving behind no residue...but the only way to be sure that there IS no residue is to wipe and check!

inthenip

Feisar wrote: »

Da fuq?

Yep, let's just say the man doesn't have a habit of washing himself or changing his clothes.

Feisar

Aglomerado wrote: »

I imagine it was one of those ones that come out with a perfectly formed tapered "point" on the end, leaving behind no residue...but the only way to be sure that there IS no residue is to wipe and check!

Known as a "boat tail" for enhanced ballistics!

EmmetSpiceland

Feisar wrote: »

Known as a "boat tail" for enhanced ballistics!

We call it a “magic”.

Lewis_Benson

Waiting on a kebab and chips in the chipper.
They do those massive kebsbs in naan bread.
Guinness is in the fridge.

I'll have the sudocreme and balm wipes ready for the morning.

IAMAMORON

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Waiting on a kebab and chips in the chipper.
They do those massive kebsbs in naan bread.
Guinness is in the fridge.

I'll have the sudocreme and balm wipes ready for the morning.

I would throw a few wet wipes in the fridge overnight, you just never know, lob a bog roll in there also, future proofing is key.

Lewis_Benson

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I would throw a few wet wipes in the fridge overnight, you just never know, lob a bog roll in there also, future proofing is key.

Top advice there Mr Moron

fuerte1976

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Waiting on a kebab and chips in the chipper.
They do those massive kebsbs in naan bread.
Guinness is in the fridge.

You lucky dratsab...

Lewis_Benson

fuerte1976 wrote: »

You lucky dratsab...

I am indeed.
I had to drive "into town" to get it.

Since moving to the countryside, kebabs are a feint dream.

The septic tank is in for a shock tomorrow.

EmmetSpiceland

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

...kebabs are a feint dream.

Will be a fent reality tomorrow.