What's the etiquette here??

Lewis_Benson

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Will be a fent reality tomorrow.

Oh yes.
Extra chilli sauce on mine.
Good for the balloon knot.

mfceiling

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

We call it a “magic”.

Viz had a great description.

If you wiped your arse and the bog roll was clean first time it was known as "drawing an ace".

An Ri rua

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

I am indeed.
I had to drive "into town" to get it.

Since moving to the countryside, kebabs are a feint dream.

The septic tank is in for a shock tomorrow.

You're going to introduce a bit of biodiversity L? Some Turkish bacteria?
Invasive species. I'd say it's one for a Council official to look into. Hold em by the ankles while they collect the sample.
Or if you're feeling civic minded, you could just drop it into a bag while they hold it open. #sploshKebab

Sam Quentin

This thread is cráp, it's so full of shít posts.

An Ri rua

Aglomerado wrote: »

For sure. Six months into working from home, my toilet paper expenditure has increased exponentially.
On the plus side I can be as noisy in the toilet as I like and don't have to put up with colleagues' parps or whiffs. :D

Some in the work scenario rise a commotion alright. Like my two Tomcats when I was nursing them back to health (after 2 f**kin unacceptable gaffes by them, ain't nobody got time for that random sh1t) and I'd wake from my slumber on the sofa and one of them would be doing a 4 legged Moonwalk in the litter box, like Michael Jackson's Thriller had an orgy with The Walking Dead and Bugs Bunny. Diggin holes to beat the band. Mind yer sangwidges. And when the f**kin war dance is done it wouldn't do but he'd stand on the edge of the box and tip the logs, scutter, p*ss and litter all over the floor. Like a divination trick, so I can read the sh1t and foretell what's occurring. But I f**king know. Cats are too mystical for their own good.
So that's what you'd hear beside you on a regular day. Like a lad was mugging himself or halfway through a fit when he said no, f**kit, I'll fist myself. Or like a lad locked in a coffin with that no breathing thing a few centuries ago and then woke up and realised they'd been buried alive. And badly needed to sh1te as it had been maybe 4 days including the wake and the burial.
And people wondered what the smell was? Sure Jaysis give a lad a break!

Ah yeah, it's very relaxing at home alright. The biofeedback of the gentle splash. Near cool waters he leadeth mé. Praise b'é.

An Ri rua

Hego Damask wrote: »

Presumably you're down in 'Straya ?
Can't imagine one could get kangaroo meat in Ireland outside celtic tiger times ...

He works in the Zoo. I spied on his posts. He'll change his username now. He go vegan.

An Ri rua

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Had a terror of a day yesterday, I made the mistake of frequenting one of Dundalk's finer Chinese establishments and taking home a four in one. For those of you not from these shores, its consists of chips, fried rice, slices of chicken breast, mushrooms, peas, onions and curry sauce.

I ate it about 11pm and went to bed at midnight. I actually awoke with a startling abruptness around 6am, you know the kind where you just find yourself instantly awake? But for no apparent reason. No number 1 or 2 required, not too hot or cold, just wide awake. Drifted off again and woke when my alarm went off. Then all of a sudden there was all kind of rumblings down below, like knocking a pile of tennis balls around in a bucket. Had to dash for the jacks with great urgency, where a blast of matter hit the pan with tremendous force. I sat there sweating for 20 minutes whilst the poor Armitage took an awful hammering.

No joke, I counted the visits; 9 times I had to run to the toilet throughout the day, each and every time there were random mushrooms, chips and onions kicking around the pan. Absolutely disgraceful, the day was a write off. Its always hard to point the finger and determine the exact cause, but I think its safe to say it was the Chinese. I actually got into bed early, just mentally and physically drained.

Ah sure you and the meal weren't sync'd. The meal was on Eastern Time and you were still on GMT. The 6am was your warning shot. That food would usually be on its merry way after an early morning Tai Chi session in the park to hasten it's departure. You need to bring your awareness down out of your cerebralness and into your body and connect with the food as it morphs to a higher life form. Cistern time, the I-Ching calls it.

An Ri rua

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Your ring must have been glowing!

And as we know, a glowing ring is a heavy burden. Only the pure of heart can tolerate it.

You held your ring 9 times over the fires of Mordor and you returned a King. Sleep well, my fatigued Lord.

Brendan Bendar

Just after blowing out a blast of runny sour midden.

Strong bang of gherkins and chipotle sauce off the fcuhukker.

Candle fluttering badly trying to survive in the thick haze.

JohnnyFlash

Played in the mixed doubles stableford at the club yesterday afternoon. My playing partner was a lady in her mid-40's who had just joined the club, and just divorced her husband.

Could sense a bit of chemistry from the 1st hole, and by the 14th (she was a terrible golfer) I got the feeling she wanted to take a look at my 'utility iron'. Went for a quick snack in the clubhouse bar afterwards, and sure enough, got an invite to head over to her place a few hours later for a 'bite to eat'.

Won't go into too much detail apart from: bottle of Bushmills, nearly burned my arse off the ceiling lightbulb we were going at it so hard, roast duck for dinner, her ex must have had a flute like a bookies pencil based on her feedback, nearly pulled a disk, top class ride, cheeseboard.

Woke up this morning with a distress signal going out. I had approximately 30 seconds to find a shítter, and even then it wasn't going to be pleasant. Bounded out onto the landing, found an ensuite in a spare bedroom, hit the seat, and fired out a couple of pints of absolutely atrocious arse gravy. Don't know what angle I approached it at, but there was splatter above the rim and everything. Took about 10 minutes of extensive and delicate paperwork to get everything back in shape, and I hope she doesn't call into that particular 'boom room' for the next couple of hours at least.

inthenip

Bit backed up the last week or two with hard ones that take a bit of uncomfortable force.

What's a good home remedy? I was thinking ten cans of Guinness later and maybe a very spicy Curry?

NeinNeinNein

inthenip wrote: »

Bit backed up the last week or two with hard ones that take a bit of uncomfortable force.

What's a good home remedy? I was thinking ten cans of Guinness later and maybe a very spicy Curry?

A knitting needle?

EmmetSpiceland

inthenip wrote: »

Bit backed up the last week or two with hard ones that take a bit of uncomfortable force.

What's a good home remedy? I was thinking ten cans of Guinness later and maybe a very spicy Curry?

Fresh fruit, and lots of it. Particularly pears. Always fresh, never “tinned”. Trust me on that one.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Fresh fruit, and lots of it. Particularly pears. Always fresh, never “tinned”. Trust me on that one.

A punnet of plums can clear all but the most serious of blockages.

Aglomerado

Dried apricots are like Drano for your colon.

After consuming a couple of handfuls, ensure that you have access to plentiful toilet paper and stay clear of naked flames.

Hotblack Desiato

It'd be a lot simpler if golf clubs just renamed themselves "middle aged fat ugly swingers clubs", then they could make a fortune selling off the land and no need for the expensive sets of clubs or weird clobber either.

fuerte1976

Red grapes.
A punnet.
Job done.
Simples.

Lewis_Benson

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Played in the mixed doubles stableford at the club yesterday afternoon. My playing partner was a lady in her mid-40's who had just joined the club, and just divorced her husband.

Could sense a bit of chemistry from the 1st hole, and by the 14th (she was a terrible golfer) I got the feeling she wanted to take a look at my 'utility iron'. Went for a quick snack in the clubhouse bar afterwards, and sure enough, got an invite to head over to her place a few hours later for a 'bite to eat'.

Won't go into too much detail apart from: bottle of Bushmills, nearly burned my arse off the ceiling lightbulb we were going at it so hard, roast duck for dinner, her ex must have had a flute like a bookies pencil based on her feedback, nearly pulled a disk, top class ride, cheeseboard.

Woke up this morning with a distress signal going out. I had approximately 30 seconds to find a shítter, and even then it wasn't going to be pleasant. Bounded out onto the landing, found an ensuite in a spare bedroom, hit the seat, and fired out a couple of pints of absolutely atrocious arse gravy. Don't know what angle I approached it at, but there was splatter above the rim and everything. Took about 10 minutes of extensive and delicate paperwork to get everything back in shape, and I hope she doesn't call into that particular 'boom room' for the next couple of hours at least.

Good man Johnny,
Sounds like you scored a "Hole In one"

Brendan Bendar

John.... bad slip up there.

Mixed doubles is tennis.... maybe you teamed up with a gamey bewer and after the third set ran the handle of your Yonex up her swampy snatch?

Don’t doubt that you rodded her out good and gave the lady a serious rattle, but correct detail is important.

Don’t forget to sanitize the racket............!!!!!

Nevin Parsnipp

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just after blowing out a blast of runny sour midden.

Strong bang of gherkins and chipotle sauce off the fcuhukker.

Candle fluttering badly trying to survive in the thick haze.

The fcukin Covid is very bad for this kind of stuff...

Schucked out a generous cloud of greasy runnell accompanied by a revolting bang of ar$e gass this morn.

Had been "snacking" on bottles of cheap foreign lager the previous evening which may have contributed ......

Half expected to see a "mushroom cloud" come up from the slow closer .....

Worrying times for sure ....for sure ...

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

The fcukin Covid is very bad for this kind of stuff...

Schucked out a generous cloud of greasy runnell accompanied by a revolting bang of ar$e gass this morn.

Had been "snacking" on bottles of cheap foreign lager the previous evening which may have contributed ......

Half expected to see a "mushroom cloud" come up from the slow closer .....

Worrying times for sure ....for sure ...

Tip for you Parsnipp, never leave the ‘comfort height’ ‘slow closer’ open after an event like that, whole bog can be contaminated ,always close the lid.

Mate of mine tells me that a ‘dough boy’ flatmate of his hosed out half a pan full of fcuking ‘stewing beef’ then started reading the paper and was found in a heap on the floor overcome with arse gas!!


Took a pair of shave heads from the Fire House to bring him round.

Hego Damask

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Played in the mixed doubles stableford at the club yesterday afternoon. My playing partner was a lady in her mid-40's who had just joined the club, and just divorced her husband.

Could sense a bit of chemistry from the 1st hole, and by the 14th (she was a terrible golfer) I got the feeling she wanted to take a look at my 'utility iron'. Went for a quick snack in the clubhouse bar afterwards, and sure enough, got an invite to head over to her place a few hours later for a 'bite to eat'.

Won't go into too much detail apart from: bottle of Bushmills, nearly burned my arse off the ceiling lightbulb we were going at it so hard, roast duck for dinner, her ex must have had a flute like a bookies pencil based on her feedback, nearly pulled a disk, top class ride, cheeseboard.

Woke up this morning with a distress signal going out. I had approximately 30 seconds to find a shítter, and even then it wasn't going to be pleasant. Bounded out onto the landing, found an ensuite in a spare bedroom, hit the seat, and fired out a couple of pints of absolutely atrocious arse gravy. Don't know what angle I approached it at, but there was splatter above the rim and everything. Took about 10 minutes of extensive and delicate paperwork to get everything back in shape, and I hope she doesn't call into that particular 'boom room' for the next couple of hours at least.

:D:D



Write a book man !!! seriously!

Nevin Parsnipp

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Tip for you Parsnipp, never leave the ‘comfort height’ ‘slow closer’ open after an event like that, whole bog can be contaminated ,always close the lid.

Mate of mine tells me that a ‘dough boy’ flatmate of his hosed out half a pan full of fcuking ‘stewing beef’ then started reading the paper and was found in a heap on the floor overcome with arse gas!!


Took a pair of shave heads from the Fire House to bring him round.

And.....

gerrybbadd

Partook of one of Ali's finest Chicken Tikka Biryani's last night along with a portion of onion bhajis, washed down with a couple "tins" of Pepsi Max.

The wind is wild and Easternly fragranced today. It'd say the house smells like a Calcutta back alley. They're coming frequent and hot - singe the "hole hair" hot. To be honest, i'm not that put out by the smell at all, its piquant, a touch of egg, burning rubber and mystical spice to it.

I'm making a lamb biryani myself tonight, the lads are coming over for a few grown up drinks. I'd imagine tomorrow will be some craic. I probably won't have a single hair left on the spokes

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Partook of one of Ali's finest Chicken Tikka Biryani's last night along with a portion of onion bhajis, washed down with a couple "tins" of Pepsi Max.

The wind is wild and Easternly fragranced today. It'd say the house smells like a Calcutta back alley. They're coming frequent and hot - singe the "hole hair" hot. To be honest, i'm not that put out by the smell at all, its piquant, a touch of egg, burning rubber and mystical spice to it.

I'm making a lamb biryani myself tonight, the lads are coming over for a few grown up drinks. I'd imagine tomorrow will be some craic. I probably won't have a single hair left on the spokes

Bit of a tip for ya Gearòid

If you have an old ‘half crown’ somewhere around the house, wrap her in damp soft cloth..(cut a chunk out of an worn out jocks) and pop her in the freezer for the night.

Tremendously soothing when pressed against the 8 spoker tomorrow.

Will reduce the ‘lever of anger’ from the back pipe ground zero a lot.


Washyerhands....

Surreptitious

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Partook of one of Ali's finest Chicken Tikka Biryani's last night along with a portion of onion bhajis, washed down with a couple "tins" of Pepsi Max.

The wind is wild and Easternly fragranced today. It'd say the house smells like a Calcutta back alley. They're coming frequent and hot - singe the "hole hair" hot. To be honest, i'm not that put out by the smell at all, its piquant, a touch of egg, burning rubber and mystical spice to it.

I'm making a lamb biryani myself tonight, the lads are coming over for a few grown up drinks. I'd imagine tomorrow will be some craic. I probably won't have a single hair left on the spokes

Biryani is the mildest Indian ever. Grow your big boy pants on.

inthenip

Surreptitious wrote: »

Biryani is the mildest Indian ever. Grow your big boy pants on.

Unless it burns your ring it's not a proper curry.

gerrybbadd

Surreptitious wrote: »

Biryani is the mildest Indian ever. Grow your big boy pants on.

Maybe where you come from Junior. Our local provides an additional curry sauce, and I always request mine "extra spicy", with additional chopped green chillis for added heat.

Also, grow your big boy pants on? Wut???

Nevin Parsnipp

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Maybe where you come from Junior. Our local provides an additional curry sauce, and I always request mine "extra spicy", with additional chopped green chillis for added heat.

Suggest you add a bag of crushed ice to that order Dude.......

Just sayin.......

gerrybbadd

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Suggest you add a bag of crushed ice to that order Dude.......

Just sayin.......

For the extraction pipe or?