What's the etiquette here??

An Ri rua

StevenToast wrote: »

I would imagine some of the contributors here could do with a "Groom of the stool"

Google it....

Just did.

Lord above.

I have a chambermaid on the books for such a purpose. No stools here, a throne for a King such as myself. The rua comes from over-ardent pushing Im afraid. I find the whole thing quite a strain sometimes.

At Halloween when we were kids we used to play a roleplaying game that was a cross between musical chairs and internal bleeding. We'd eat as much sh1te as we could, then take some laxatives and wait. Being an upper middle class family, we had an indoor jacks (we affectionately called it the sh1tter) and you'd have to hold off til others heard the rips and rumbles. Then a mad dash to take your seat, a bit like the interval in the Olympia. The odd time you'd squeeze a blast out even as another pair of cheeks touched down. It was the 2 runner-ups you'd feel sorry for. No fun hoovering up someone else's scutter. Proper scary.
Anyway, that was Game of Thrones, as we called it. Scutter is coming, we'd say. Oh it was mighty when you were winning.

Dual wheels

Let a scorcher of a fart in the shop there thinking people won’t smell it with the masks, I was wrong some woman felt violently ill

Brendan Bendar

Dual wheels wrote: »

Let a scorcher of a fart in the shop there thinking people won’t smell it with the masks, I was wrong some woman felt violently ill

Bad mistake,bubba.

Never unload a thick rifter unless you are near the food counter.

Some auld bewer will always get the ‘bang’ in ‘open country’

Whack of cottage pie and boiled cabbage will always save you at the ‘hot counter’.

Dual wheels

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Bad mistake,bubba.

Never unload a thick rifter unless you are near the food counter.

Some auld bewer will always get the ‘bang’ in ‘open country’

Whack of cottage pie and boiled cabbage will always save you at the ‘hot counter’.

Thanks for the advice I never would have thought of that, takes some getting used to this new world we live in, I used to enjoy letting one rip in the pub as nobody could hear it but food pubs are mainly empty now so it’s too easy to hear one go off

gerrybbadd

Dual wheels wrote: »

Let a scorcher of a fart in the shop there thinking people won’t smell it with the masks, I was wrong some woman felt violently ill

Amateur move DW - you should have said "what cúnt is after opening a packet of ham?". Would have covered all the bases.

On another note, when i find the cúnt that is farting into the packets of ham, he's gonna get it. And by it, I mean a face full of diarrhea.

Dual wheels

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Amateur move DW - you should have said "what cúnt is after opening a packet of ham?". Would have covered all the bases.

On another note, when i find the cúnt that is farting into the packets of ham, he's gonna get it. And by it, I mean a face full of diarrhea.

Does packed ham smell like fart?

sligojoek

New product on the market.

An Ri rua

Dual wheels wrote: »

Does packed ham smell like fart?

Down where I shop, every time I'm in, they're always complaining that everything smells of farts. Except the personal hygiene aisle.

I don't know why.

An Ri rua

Dual wheels wrote: »

Thanks for the advice I never would have thought of that, takes some getting used to this new world we live in, I used to enjoy letting one rip in the pub as nobody could hear it but food pubs are mainly empty now so it’s too easy to hear one go off

This is the new normal they talk about. While a bit of a turn-on, in fairness, to hear Sharon Ní Bheoláin talk fart strategy, it's just not cricket so she won't overtly mouth it. Ooeer...

But we know what they mean. We can smell the coffee.

Incidentally, there is a good bit of therapy on iTunes where Sharon reads from the Thesaurus and mouths all of the various descriptions of the vernacular tones of Passage South. An update to her Turas Teanga. But this has the filth, the edge. This is the ****, lads. GaothMor2020.

An Ri rua

Dual wheels wrote: »

Let a scorcher of a fart in the shop there thinking people won’t smell it with the masks, I was wrong some woman felt violently ill

There's an old esoteric technique taught down in Ferbane and Banagher by bottled stout drinkers. Involves separating the sound from the fury, the treble from the bass.
Hard to describe, but you sort of visualise the etheric, light body of the fart and peel it up and away from the denser corporeal putrid heavy air.

That's the theory anyway. It's a question of practice. You'll know when you've achieved it. Youll get a sound like spontaneous combustion, like a rocket stove catching. Whoosh. Or else you'll snap back into the material dimension and feel an inguinal hernia. Just trust me, you'll know.
In these straitened times, I like to be a Lightworker, like yer man from The Little House on the Prairie who masqueraded as an angel, and make my way to all the wavin pipes in Woodies. I usually wait til there's someone up the other end to receive God's music. A big family is nice. And then I hit it with gusto. Literally the PANpipes. I do a sort of Garda Band medley, A-Team tune followed up by Sepultura Chaos AD and Hendrix Machine Gun.

The problem is, like any wind instrument, ya get a lot of slops and liquid down the tube. Too big to flick sure. But I don't worry about it, sure aren't they going for boomboxes anyway, all I've done is seasoned them.

The letterbox fart was a great man if someone said give me a rap on the window on your way to work, or the pub, or Mass. No hoping for towers to pass along your texts.

A fart goes a long way in shtf situations. Never forget it.

EmmetSpiceland

Dual wheels wrote: »

Does packed ham smell like fart?

It does when you first open it. Whatever they put into the packet to keep it from going off, when it mixes with the hammy “air” it produces a, distinctly, farty scent.

Also, the fact that the meat is pretty much “floor sweepings” and scrotum doesn’t help matters at all. It’s all reclaimed, and reformed, connective tissue.

To be fair, the smell “dissipates” quickly enough so you can enjoy the, low grade, ham sandwich.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

It does when you first open it. Whatever they put into the packet to keep it from going off, when it mixes with the hammy “air” it produces a, distinctly, farty scent.

Also, the fact that the meat is pretty much “floor sweepings” and scrotum doesn’t help matters at all. It’s all reclaimed, and reformed, connective tissue.

To be fair, the smell “dissipates” quickly enough so you can enjoy the, low grade, ham sandwich.

Expect a call from Carroll’s fairly soon

JohnnyFlash

I’ve been eating seafood pretty much everyday for the dinner for the past month. Very distinctive maritime notes off my movements. Smells a bit like the beach in Silverstrand when the tide goes out. Not great.

Lots of very funky farts as well. The drivers seat of the Beamer now smells like the hold of a mackerel trawler.

Lewis_Benson

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’ve been eating seafood pretty much everyday for the dinner for the past month. Very distinctive maritime notes off my movements. Smells a bit like the beach in Silverstrand when the tide goes out. Not great.

Lots of very funky farts as well. The drivers seat of the Beamer now smells like the hold of a mackerel trawler.

I imagine the fent along with the guínness farts must have the ladies queueing up.

An Ri rua

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Expect a call from Carroll’s fairly soon

Carroll's Spiceland piri piri ham. Finger Wipin Good. Leaves no trace. Sh1t in, sh1t out. Nice.

An Ri rua

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Another sour, nasty post from you Flash.....becoming the norm now so it is.

I have some knowledge of the car park you mention.....if only to form an opinion that the surface is smoother than the hen run of a golf course that it is ajacent to.

Cerutti suits here pal.....Loake shoes and a top of the range Hublot watch.

Have to look good apres golf in a well regarded and highly thought of club.

Looking at the latest high end Lexus as an appropriate mode of transport for a person of my standing.

Noticed that the last lad that valeted my slab had a distinct East Galway accent about him as well as a mouthful of badly fitting dentures.

Relative of yours.....?

Same lad apparently caught this week displaying his fishing tackle to underage girls in downtown Edenderry.
Mickey flash, the paper said.

JohnnyFlash

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

I imagine the fent along with the guínness farts must have the ladies queueing up.

Never had too much difficulty with the more dangerous sex if I'm being honest with you, Loo. The old wine, dine, and 69'em routine is as relevant now as it was back in the good old days of your 20's. It's romance.

As for the farts; I've being carrying around plenty of Rennie, Andrews Liver Salts, and having a shot of Crème de menthe after dinner. Keeps away the most potent of the farts until after the breakfast the next day. You might get a sudden 'burst' after dinner, but they tend to be harmless sorts. If you smoke then it's a good time to head out. Or say you've a call from your brother.

I'm back in Dublin now after my month playing every links course on the west coast of Ireland. Well, apart from 2 - but that's for the golf forum. Arse like the brake light of a Massey F at this stage. Bonanza summer for fishermen and the craft beer breweries serving up stout that has a head on it.

:eek:

JP Liz V1

**** Happens

Lewis_Benson

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Never had too much difficulty with the more dangerous sex if I'm being honest with you, Loo. The old wine, dine, and 69'em routine is as relevant now as it was back in the good old days of your 20's. It's romance.

As for the farts; I've being carrying around plenty of Rennie, Andrews Liver Salts, and having a shot of Crème de menthe after dinner. Keeps away the most potent of the farts until after the breakfast the next day. You might get a sudden 'burst' after dinner, but they tend to be harmless sorts. If you smoke then it's a good time to head out. Or say you've a call from your brother.

I'm back in Dublin now after my month playing every links course on the west coast of Ireland. Well, apart from 2 - but that's for the golf forum. Arse like the brake light of a Massey F at this stage. Bonanza summer for fishermen and the craft beer breweries serving up stout that has a head on it.

:eek:

Good man Johnny, as they say, West is best.
Do the lads down west need to know why their sewers are all blocked?
Or should we keep it a "dirty secret"?

Nevin Parsnipp

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Good man Johnny, as they say, West is best.
Do the lads down west need to know why their sewers are all blocked?
Or should we keep it a "dirty secret"?

Now you know why they call it "Flash Flooding" ?

Lad must have been shunting out "Hawsers" down Bantry and Clon way.

Cnunt wouldn't know one end of a golf stick from another ....:mad:

EmmetSpiceland

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Cnunt wouldn't know one end of a golf stick from another ....:mad:

I believe he knows by the smell, N.

IAMAMORON

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Arse like the brake light of a Massey F at this stage.
:

Nice one Johnny, just belly ached for about 5 minutes, sublime stuff. Thank you.

Lewis_Benson

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Now you know why they call it "Flash Flooding" ?

Lad must have been shunting out "Hawsers" down Bantry and Clon way.

Cnunt wouldn't know one end of a golf stick from another ....:mad:

Probably spent all day in the pub horsing back pints while Fintan and the lads were out hitting balls.
Johnny was probabaly hitting his balls off something or someone else, the filthy kernt.

JohnnyFlash

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Probably spent all day in the pub horsing back pints while Fintan and the lads were out hitting balls.
Johnny was probabaly hitting his balls off something or someone else, the filthy kernt.

Snide auld remarks from yourself and 'The Nev'. I'll have you know I play off a 4 handicap, and would be scratch if I could master the dark arts of chipping and pitching.

Anyways, back in Dublin now and back using my own shîtter. Very acidic and loose discharges all afternoon. Large amount of paperwork required and the ring sting is off the charts. Going to stick to the salads, soup, porridge bread, and spuds for the rest of the week.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Snide auld remarks from yourself and 'The Nev'. I'll have you know I play off a 4 handicap, and would be scratch if I could master the dark arts of chipping and pitching.

Anyways, back in Dublin now and back using my own shîtter. Very acidic and loose discharges all afternoon. Large amount of paperwork required and the ring sting is off the charts. Going to stick to the salads, soup, porridge bread, and spuds for the rest of the week.

Good decision John, heard you were in the Kilchreest area recently.

Got a bewer from Loughrea ‘shovel ready’ and rodded her out cleanly near the boathouse.

Had to help her walk away with legs on her like snapped candles.

Lewis_Benson

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Snide auld remarks from yourself and 'The Nev'. I'll have you know I play off a 4 handicap, and would be scratch if I could master the dark arts of chipping and pitching.

Anyways, back in Dublin now and back using my own shîtter. Very acidic and loose discharges all afternoon. Large amount of paperwork required and the ring sting is off the charts. Going to stick to the salads, soup, porridge bread, and spuds for the rest of the week.

Nowt snide about it horse.
Sure who wouldn't horse back pints all day??

An Ri rua

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Snide auld remarks from yourself and 'The Nev'. I'll have you know I play off a 4 handicap, and would be scratch if I could master the dark arts of chipping and pitching.

Anyways, back in Dublin now and back using my own shîtter. Very acidic and loose discharges all afternoon. Large amount of paperwork required and the ring sting is off the charts. Going to stick to the salads, soup, porridge bread, and spuds for the rest of the week.

Oysters, pints and golf, plain aul begrudgery but sure he's had his Phil boss.

Looks like it's bread and water all round, from here...

Lewis_Benson

An Ri rua wrote: »

Oysters, pints and golf, plain aul begrudgery but sure he's had his Phil boss.

Looks like it's bread and water all round, from here...

I'd say Johnny was in Clifden the day Big Phil and his cronies were having their golf do, trying to talk his way in to the party.

Did you get to rub shoulders with any of them Jonathan?

Brendan Bendar

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

I'd say Johnny was in Clifden the day Big Phil and his cronies were having their golf do, trying to talk his way in to the party.

Did you get to rub shoulders with any of them Jonathan?

Rumours are that he slipped the ‘hotel handler’ a score and blew a thin skein of wathery scutther into the first golf bag he saw in the ‘bag room’

Left a set ‘Galvin Green’ waterproofs in an awful state.

No ID on the bag but there was a few receipts for the’ Boilerhouse’ in ‘dry compartment’.

Filthy kernt.

tgdaly

6000 posts and still going strong. As the French would say "Bon caca" lads