What's the etiquette here??

Deleted User wrote: »

Importing those high tech Japanese Toto toilets could be a good earner. There would be plenty of interest from this thread.

The Xiaomi jaxes look the business. Some of them with an assistant built in so you can have a chat with the sh*tter. What a time to be alive.

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

To be honest with you, I’m really not a fan of “over complicating” the throne. I’d always be afraid of a “malfunction”.

What are odds on that? A jet of, scalding, hot water shooting right at the balloon knot is a frightening thought. Could catch the “barse” or testicle sac just as easy. Dangerous game.

Give me a solid pot, wooden seat, and a chain pull flush and I’d be a happy man. A “low-fi” approach, I know, but one that guarantees comfort and safety.

Yes.... good call there Eee.

Japanese pots tend to be very ‘high’ which is not a good posture for unloading a stubborn baton.

Personally I don’t like ‘hot’ seats and and prefer the cool seat on the cheeks, which indicates lack of arse tracery from after a blubbery taxi-man releasing the ‘afters’ from the third snack box of the day.

Nice low pot, solid and wide, giving confidence to get the legs behind and spooling up to blow a solid peppery blast of dense midden into the pewter.

Don’t want the pot left like the map of the Phillipines, festooned with gobbets of splatthery scutther.

Nah mate, contained explosion is what one wants.

Hot seats - nothing worse than Ghost Cheeks.

But hold on now, you don't have to worry about Taxi Arse in the comfort of your own home. As for the blast of scalding hot water to the leather Cheerio, i couldn't see it happening. Its a jacks at the end of the day, a high tech one, but still a jacks. Its not a kettle

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Or have the self cleaning blades snip off your ballbag..

You’d have to hope that if it came to that they’d, at least, try some honest “extortion” before de-balling you.

Fair is fair, at the end of the day.

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'm sure they wouldn't need a heads up at this stage, if this thread is anything to go by the waste treatment plants are fairly busy after every weekend.

This thread will serve as a suppository, sorry, repository for future generations when they have one portal(oo) where they can dip in and out of the faecalore of the great and the good (like Johnny flash) and the simple folk and simpletons like, well, ye know who like...

Just like they did in the 60s when they collected up all them stories and folklore. The 'oral tradition', they called it. Professor Lavatory, aka Sean Mac an Flash, will be remembered as the Godhead of the Anal tradition (that sounds worse than it is, Sean). At peak moments, crest of the hill times, lads (and lasses, for they will sh1t too, in future times), will call out to Johnny Flash in the darkness and the morning light. Thunder all through the night, as Prince put it so aptly.

Schools in the future will marvel that we'd all line up in our imaginary airtight and soundproof cubicles (a bit like those Covid dolls House classrooms on the News there recently. In the gyms no less) and let rip in our own time. They'll wonder how we didn't see the connection between a lad beside you firing a warning shot that would rise pheasants and you hours or weeks later in A&E with a ripped colon where you lost control of the pressured line, for a split second, be it through auditory distraction or sensory overload /shock.
Some lads could study with a radio on and some couldn't. It's the same with having a sh1te. Ya might as well have a lad shooting rabbits with a side by side resting on your shoulder as have a unpredictable stall neighbour skipping gears as he races for the finish line.
Post Trap-Trauma Sh1t Disorder is a thing Johnny. Can affect your golf swing, your business decisions, the works. I mean, look!! It's where the phrase "Sh1t or get off the pot" derives from. When the round is chambered and presents itself to the muzzle, pull that trigger. Each time they drop. Until the magazine is empty.
If you DON'T, you could foul your weapon. A messy job.

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Blighted with a nasty “affliction” here. Didn’t sleep well at all.

Was out walking the dog in the park yesterday, bad idea to do it in shorts. Not only did my legs get wet in the long grass but some sort of “midgey” must have flown up my leg, into my loose boxers and right to the anus ring.

It’s been a lesson in self control not going at it for relief, lots of bathroom trips for a papered “rub” to ease the, intense, itch.

I slathered on some calamine lotion last night and it did help for a while but I was up have the night trying to restrain myself from using my nails, I’m terrified of breaking the skin. It’s very close to the badge so can’t risk any sort of open sore, or “infection”.

Does anyone know how long these sort of “bites” itch for? Is there anything one can do to speed up the process? Would icing it help?

Currently swirling in my seat trying to get at it without “manual” intervention, works a bit but does not look good. Any advice would be appreciated.

Careful E - you want to be sure it wasn't a flea or tick that latched onto you. Could you imagine coming down with a dose of Lyme's Disease to the anus? Best "assume the position", and investigate via the double mirror method. Or get a trusted friend to take a high res image with the camera in your phone, for investigative purposes

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Sounds like one of those A and E fairytales such as "I was changing a light bulb in the nude when I fell off the chair I was balancing on and landed on an abandoned Star Wars figure which is now wedged up my rectum". No offence Em.

I was thinking along the same lines 9. In the park, in long grass and ends up with a "midge bite" near the anus....
I'd say the dog won't want to go on another "walk" for awhile!

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Solid advice, G. I’ll definitely give it the “double mirror” when I get home. If that proves inconclusive I’ll asked my partner to take a look.

So ticks itch? I’ve never had one, really don’t fancy having to get my ring piece “lanced” down in the GP’s office.

Like you wouldn't believe E. The little bastards bury their entire head into the "flesh" and when they are scratched off, the head can remain buried in the skin. That's what is root cause of the itch. I'd say whatever it was knew he'd made a grave error once he sinked the teeth in. "this human steak tastes like chite"

J.Cloth dipped in hot water pressed well into the muzzle might draw the fcukers out.

What's the jax equivalent to a luddite, turdite?

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Spot on, Hego.

Something like this is the high-point of bog design. Pull chain, good wide bowl with none of those wretched Italian 'shelves', Yankee high water lines or, a splash zone the size of an eggcup.

Spool up, unload with gusto, and g Iet rid of all but the worst of fallout with a full tank of water descending from a height. :cool:

Great auld jacks, those.
Was one in my grandmothers house up until recently.