Relationships - Age limits

witchgirl26

Alfredo Damaged Spectacle wrote: »

You can't necessarily assume the reasons are shallow.

What if a man decides at the age of 45 that he really wants a family? He'd have a better chance of achieving that goal with someone in her twenties or thirties than with a woman his own age.

That's exactly what happened with my parents to be honest. My dad was 39 when they met and wanted a family. My mam was 23 and wanted the same thing.

Chris_Heilong

I would say 15 year difference is the limit which is usually older guy younger girl, anything more than that is getting into strange territory.

The One Doctor

frosty123 wrote: »

Ok, i'm a bloke of 38 and i'm coontemplating asking out a 25 yr old woman..so thats a 13 year age gap.

Good luck. Do it quick before some guy her age cuts you out. I've had a 20 year old (with three kids) fawning over me. Got on very well but I put a stop to it as I have a fiance and daughter already!

I'm 38 and damned sexy, that's probably why.

frosty123

OP here

Thanks for all your replies and comments folks, its always interesting to get feedback on such matters esp from those who have first hand knowledge.

As i said in an earlier comment my age gap limit is usually 5 years younger, but this woman is exceptional.

She works in my local supermarket, she's eastern-european and she's gorgeous both in looks and personality, she has a happy cheery demeanour she really lights up the place and she ticks all the boxes as for as im concerned.

Recently she's being giving me the "glad eyes"..so feck it this weekend i'm going to ask her out..if she says no she says no..but i hope she doesn't cause i'll be broken hearted:(

(hope to god she isn't reading this)

Tell me how

Chris_Heilong wrote: »

I would say 15 year difference is the limit which is usually older guy younger girl, anything more than that is getting into strange territory.

But surely it's a moving bandwidth. 15 years gap for a 30 year old and someone younger is borderline illegal. For a 50 year old and someone 35, it's not that remarkable.

Hence the 1/2 your age plus 7 guideline which actually seems pretty sensible.

fattymuatty

I haven't read the full thread but there is a 10 year age gap between my husband and I. I was 17 he was 27 when we met. I'm 32 now he is 42, we are married with 2 kids. A few people raised eyebrows when we first got together but now it's not an issue at all(it never was for us).

DublinLady22

I would say go for it OP, nothing to lose.
While there can obviously be problems, lots of relationships with age gaps are successful, all depends on the people involved. 25 is definitely old enough to have the capacity to decide whether you want to go out with someone older.

However, personally, as a woman in my early 20s, I wouldn't be interested in a guy in his 30s or older, as would be the case with the majority of my friends (not saying that the girl in your case wouldn't be). One, I'm just at the moment more attracted to guys closer in age to me, and two, I don't plan to do the whole marriage and kids thing until my very early 30s.

While men obviously have the upperhand in that they never have menopause, the risks with older fathers are as noteworthy as of that with older mothers, something I feel that is sometimes swept under the rug with the whole 'older man, younger woman good, older woman, younger man weird' rhetoric.

Obviously plenty of older fathers (and mothers) have completely healthy births but the risks do increase regarding ability to conceive, miscarriages, increased risk of birth defects, chromosomal abnormalities and other genetic diseases. E.g. men in their 30s have a 1.6 times more chance of having a child with autism than men under 30, and this goes up to 6 times more likely when they reach 40.

If I'm waiting until I'm 30 to have children, I would want my partner to be early 30s to decrease such risks. For casual relationships, this would obviously be irrelevant.

Tilikum17

fattymuatty wrote: »

I haven't read the full thread but there is a 10 year age gap between my husband and I. I was 17 he was 27 when we met. I'm 32 now he is 42, we are married with 2 kids. A few people raised eyebrows when we first got together but now it's not an issue at all(it never was for us).

There’s a 10 year old gap between my wife & myself too. She was 26, I was 36.

But there’s no way I would have asked her out if I met her & she was only 17. No way.

7aubzxk43m2sni

Tilikum17 wrote: »

There’s a 10 year old gap between my wife & myself too. She was 26, I was 36.

But there’s no way I would have asked her out if I met her & she was only 17. No way.

Yep, it seems like grooming almost when it's a 27 year old and a 17 year old, that's a massive gap in age and maturity.

As soon as I was about 21/22 I couldn't have seen myself going out with someone younger than 20 unless she was an exception, due to the difference in maturity

Ghekko

Over 20 year gap between friends of mine - no issue whatsoever. Go for it.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Tell me how wrote: »

But surely it's a moving bandwidth. 15 years gap for a 30 year old and someone younger is borderline illegal. For a 50 year old and someone 35, it's not that remarkable.

Absolutely true.

It's telling that those trying to make the case against dating a younger woman often resort to talking about teenage girls and insinuating that the man must be motivated by some unacknowledged tendency toward pedophilia.

But the OP doesn't want to ask out a 15-year-old schoolgirl; he's interested in a 25-year-old woman. Which is a completely different situation, as you indicate.

Lackey

To the ages 17 and 27 couples with kids
Genuine question how would you feel if a 27 year old knocked on the door to pick up your 17 year old who will probably be in 5th year?
Would you honestly welcome them at the door?

10 years depends on life stages 19/29 not great ones probably only out of school started college/finding their way in the world etc

25/35 ….30/40 grand same life stage (depending on what you want re marriage kids etc)

Conall Cernach

Lackey wrote: »

To the ages 17 and 27 couples with kids
Genuine question how would you feel if a 27 year old knocked on the door to pick up your 17 year old who will probably be in 5th year?
Would you honestly welcome them at the door?

10 years depends on life stages 19/29 not great ones probably only out of school started college/finding their way in the world etc

25/35 ….30/40 grand same life stage (depending on what you want re marriage kids etc)

Yeah, 17 and 27 is definitely in the "Are you kidding me?" range. 16 and 26 is the "Get in the boot of the car" range.

Lackey

Lackey wrote: »

Genuine question how would you feel if a 27 year old knocked on the door to pick up your 17 year old who will probably be in 5th year? Would you honestly welcome them at the door?

I think there is a danger of black and white thinking on the matter. That you would either welcome them in the door or chase them off with a shotgun.

When it happened to me - the parents response - and her siblings response - was very much the latter.

After a few years however they realised this was not some perverted sexual whim or exploitation and I was in it for the long haul and was making their daughter extremely happy. So they settled down massively. And then certain events along the way transitioned them from "the parents of my girlfriend" to "family". And I see them now - as they do me - as family.

But I do not think the initial approach to it has to be at their extreme - or the other. I think there are ways to welcome such a person into your home - with reservations precautions conditions and boundaries - that strives to have a situation where you can watch the relationship blossom and ascertain is he in it solely for the young tight genitalia - or because he is genuinely interested in the happiness and well being of your daughter.

Further I always fear that an extreme reaction to these things risks destroying your relationship with your child. Too many parents in my experience have stepped like a brick wall in the way of the love lives of their children and _everyone_ suffered for it. Love finds a way and all that. And if someone is intent on abusing your daughter then having a reaction that results in her conducting that relationship in more secrecy and privacy and subterfuge only fosters an environment that will yet more allow him the potential to do it.

So I would like to think if it ever happens with my daughter - who is now 8 at this time - that I will fall at some well measured and moderate and universally beneficial point on that continuum. But the nature of your question is that we will of course never know until the moment comes. All I can say _right now_ is I am not constitutionally against it as a default state by far. And that I do not see my role as a parent to react to the first man or boy who comes to the door when she is 17. I see my role as a parent to educate her _now_ and prepare her _now_ and mould her moral and intellectual well being _now_ so when that time comes I can be as sure as possible that she knows what she is doing.

RandomName2

banie01 wrote: »

Is the rule not half your age plus 7??

Only if you live your life according to Buzzfeed.

FFS they're both adults, I think we can give her the courtesy of assuming she has the capacity to make up her own mind.

evil_seed

frosty123 wrote: »

Ok, i'm a bloke of 38 and i'm contemplating asking out a 25 yr old woman..so thats a 13 year age gap.

Ive been called a dirty bastard, cradle snatcher etc...am i?

But surely if a woman (or indeed man) is 25 they're old & mature enough to date whatever age partner they want??

I want feedback on this please...whats your age gap limit? have you ever been out with someone thats has been way older than you.. or way younger than you?

Thanks,

Don't be stupid. There's no limit between 2 consenting adults. Go for it and be happy. Anyone that says anything is just jealous IMO. They can **** off

7aubzxk43m2sni

Deleted User wrote: »

I think there is a danger of black and white thinking on the matter. That you would either welcome them in the door or chase them off with a shotgun.

When it happened to me - the parents response - and her siblings response - was very much the latter.

....

So I would like to think if it ever happens with my daughter - who is now 8 at this time - that I will fall at some well measured and moderate and universally beneficial point on that continuum. But the nature of your question is that we will of course never know until the moment comes. All I can say _right now_ is I am not constitutionally against it as a default state by far. And that I do not see my role as a parent to react to the first man or boy who comes to the door when she is 17. I see my role as a parent to educate her _now_ and prepare her _now_ and mould her moral and intellectual well being _now_ so when that time comes I can be as sure as possible that she knows what she is doing.

Sorry but the correct response is nearly always the latter.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

The One Doctor wrote: »

Good luck. Do it quick before some guy her age cuts you out. I've had a 20 year old (with three kids) fawning over me. Got on very well but I put a stop to it as I have a fiance and daughter already!

If she has three kids at the age of 20, I wouldn't be congratulating myself too heartily on that one, to be honest.

Wells Drab Swamp

Wells Drab Swamp wrote: »

Sorry but the correct response is nearly always the latter.

I am not convinced of that to be honest - and assertion on an internet forum is unlikely to be convincing of it. I simply do not think we have the numbers on it. It is a rare enough event in itself for a start. I do not think most of us ever encounter it generally - outside seedy chat rooms anyway.

So what basis are we to use to assert what the "correct response" is in this way? It would appear often to be just gut feeling and not actually based on anything concrete?

I think the "correct response" is to evaluate such situations as they arise. Not pre-suppose a reaction 10 years in advance of it.

homosapien91

My partner is 13 years my senior and we have been together happily for the last 5 years. Go for it

ginandtonicsky

What is it with men and their obsession with dating women way way younger than them? Friend of mine runs a dating agency and tells me it's hilariously common. Lads of 40+ with nothing spectacular about them asking for dates with a line of 25 year olds lol

Cant imagine having any interest in someone pushing 40 when I was 25, that was positively ancient to me when I was that age. Unless he was Ryan Gosling or something.

Bigbagofcans

Limechime wrote: »

It's hardly a mystery, men are attracted to youth and fertility in women for evolutionary reasons.

Very true. Men as they get older keep fancying younger women and women like the opposite. I find myself checking out grey-haired men!

ginandtonicsky

Limechime wrote: »

It's hardly a mystery, men are attracted to youth and fertility in women for evolutionary reasons.

But if you're an average man and not one of these rare super wealthy / successful high status 40 year olds, what are you bringing to the table that makes you a more favourable option than a 25 year old bloke who's probably a lot fitter/hotter than you?

7aubzxk43m2sni

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I am not convinced of that to be honest - and assertion on an internet forum is unlikely to be convincing of it. I simply do not think we have the numbers on it. It is a rare enough event in itself for a start. I do not think most of us ever encounter it generally - outside seedy chat rooms anyway.

So what basis are we to use to assert what the "correct response" is in this way? It would appear often to be just gut feeling and not actually based on anything concrete?

I think the "correct response" is to evaluate such situations as they arise. Not pre-suppose a reaction 10 years in advance of it.

I think there's no basis for a relationship between a 17 year old and a 27 year old because a 17 year old is a 5th year in school and is still growing up and has plenty of maturing to do. Outside of their physical appearance I find it hard to believe the 27 year old would be interested in them, given that they have almost 0 real life experience outside of school, whereas the 27 year old has been through school, maybe college, and work, and should have way different interests.

There's no way I'd let my 17 year old daughter go out with a 27 year old man. Even assuming he's not just in it for the ride, there's a serious imbalance there and the possibility of grooming and dependency issues in the relationship is way too high.

7aubzxk43m2sni

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

But if you're an average man and not one of these rare super wealthy / successful high status 40 year olds, what are you bringing to the table that makes you a more favourable option than a 25 year old bloke who's probably a lot fitter/hotter than you?

A dad bod and a bit of grey hair, more attractive to some women than a polished up 25 year old who's practically still a boy

ginandtonicsky

Wells Drab Swamp wrote: »

A dad bod and a bit of grey hair, more attractive to some women than a polished up 25 year old who's practically still a boy

Nah. More like a fat wallet or celebrity status or something. That's if you're a hot 25 year old with lots of options.

Wibbs

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

But if you're an average man and not one of these rare super wealthy / successful high status 40 year olds, what are you bringing to the table that makes you a more favourable option than a 25 year old bloke who's probably a lot fitter/hotter than you?

I'd reckon for most women little enough. In my experience women who go for older guys are a percentage of the overall. I mean consistently go for older men(and guys within 15-20 years of their age, beyond that range is a whole other ballgame). Curiosity flings/shags are another thing and a temporary one.

What does a 40 year old bring over his 25 year old self? I can say I couldn't get arrested at 25, 30-40 a very different phase. I'd say much of it is emotionally you're less reactive at 40 than 25, more emotionally in control. You also take less nonsense and you know more what you want. Financially your average guy is hitting peak earning in his 30's 40's. He's less likely to play silly buggers as far as games go. If he's in the marriage and family mood he's likely more sure too. May be less likely to stray* as the sowing wild oats is more out of his system.

So if a woman of 25 who reckons she wants to settle down and start that phase of her life and is more mature than her peers and the men in her age group(likely on the latter), then the 35 year guy is a better bet than the same guy at 25.

I say same guy as men vary a lot. Some are cretins at 25 and will remain cretins until the undertaker plies his trade, they just get better at hiding it. Others are clued in stable men at 25(or younger), so need little polishing. The physical varies too. A guy who is a wreck at 25 isn't likely to age well. Other men mentally turn into oulfellas overnight. I saw that happen to a guy I knew when he was only 22-23. Went full cardigan and slippers. With added beige. Even got the middle aged spread by 25. Genuinely looked and acted and thought like a 50 year old and a boring one at that. Weirder still as he had been one of the "coolest" guys I ever knew in school. Burnt through his youth or something. Needed a hip replacement by 40 odd, knees too.






*Though the biggest male slappers and cheaters I know are in their 40's and 50's, though all in long termers beyond 10-15 years that are largely dead between the sheets and most of their partners turn a blind eye. The "sticking together for the kids" stuff. What's interesting is how many women who know the score will cheat with them.

One eyed Jack

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

What is it with men and their obsession with dating women way way younger than them? Friend of mine runs a dating agency and tells me it's hilariously common. Lads of 40+ with nothing spectacular about them asking for dates with a line of 25 year olds lol

Status symbols.

Limechime wrote: »

It's hardly a mystery, men are attracted to youth and fertility in women for evolutionary reasons.

It has little to do with evolution from a biological perspective, and much more to do with social evolution.

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

But if you're an average man and not one of these rare super wealthy / successful high status 40 year olds, what are you bringing to the table that makes you a more favourable option than a 25 year old bloke who's probably a lot fitter/hotter than you?

Wishful thinking for the most part :pac:

ginandtonicsky

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

But if you're an average man and not one of these rare super wealthy / successful high status 40 year olds, what are you bringing to the table that makes you a more favourable option than a 25 year old bloke who's probably a lot fitter/hotter than you?

Men seem to tell each other that they get better with age, so it makes a relationship with a younger woman seem possible to them. It's bizarre, you hear men who have little relationship experience (in one case I encountered have never even had a girlfriend) talk about how the girls will be queueing up when they're in their 40's or something - mainly men who women aren't interested in anymore or never were. You'll see quite plain men talking about women losing their looks, when they themselves never had any to begin with. You have to admire their self belief, if nothing else.

Yes, we know men can father children up to their 120's or whatever, but not many actually get to? It's a very slim chance to rely on.

I have a ten year cut off. If a relationship gets legs and we grow old together, there's no way I want to spend my last active years - when I should be wearing purple and spitting and travelling the world - changing adult diapers and pushing an elderly and infirm partner to his elderly care appointments in his wheelchair. I'm not going to stack the odds against my later happiness. I only have one life.

Sure we could all be knocked down by a bus tomorrow etc., etc., but it's not nearly as likely as winding up spending decades of your life as a nurse when you have a partner decades older. My chap is nine years my senior, that's the absolute max I'd go, people need to be pragmatic, not rose-tinted romantic.

SEPT 23 1989

Any near 40 year old turning up at my door trying to date my 25 year old daughter is getting a slap